vrijdag 28 oktober 2011

The Resolve

The resolve, resolution.
One resolution which seperate from myself once made, and after this I used this as a justification for every action in seperation, for every action to stay in this seperation.
There are so many justifications. The whole world is build on justifications.

I cannot see the exact point where I made this resolution, this resolve. It's hiding inside, veiled (by the white light) and ensnared and twisted (by the mind).
Yesterday I felt my intestine was letting go of the cramping, because I see that the making of a resolve is what will stiffle, what will fix everything.
Next morning I woke up in silence, maybe for the first time. I could be in breathing for a little while.
After 2 hours or something, I go to the toilet. And my intestine is completely cramped.
I don't know where this started and why this started now.
I feel betrayed, everytime again I feel betrayed by my own intestines.
Which ofcourse is not real, I feel betrayed by my own mind, by the mind.

How can a child, a little child, stop this betrayal?
We are responsable for ourselves. But as little child, how?
This I donot see, and for not seeing this, for not knowing what the hell to do with this, I pulled back.
And I am still doing this. Feeling so unsafe.
Which is not real. This I can stop. Because it is a feeling.
But if I don't see the specific moment where I made this resolve, than I can not feel save.
Because this will remain as the 'Achilles tendon'.
The unseen point where the mind can still attack me when I donot 'pay attention'.

That's something, to pay attention. So what am I doing all the time? Paying attention, I pay with attention. That's why I am so tired. For what or to who am I paying attention? Who do I pay?
We are paying with attention to each other. If you don't have money, you can pay with attention.
There it is again, paying with the illusion of attention, of conditional love.
Stuck in and as the mind, in and as attention. Atention, a tension.

Today a colleague was bringing up a dilemma with his little daughter within the same circumstances as I have experienced as a little child. He was having doubts about what to do, because his family didnot see there was something going on that was a form of abuse. I saw the point directly, it supported me to see more into this within myself and it supported him to immediately stop this situation. Only stop. Not understanding why other people were doing this or not seeing this, only stop the abuse of/as the mind.

Which is so cool, that he is gonna stop this. For himself, for the little girl, for everyone around him.

So what to do now?
I just need to stop the mind. To not allow the mind, from ourselves or from others, to abuse. Abuse of the physical, of life.
I don't need to understand why someone else is doing things or is not seeing things.
He/she has a different program which I cannot see into. Trying to see into another program will keep me busy with the mind for the rest of my life.
I also cannot turn back the clock and make things undone.
I can only stop and forgive the mind.

Is this real? Am I unsafe for the/my own mind if I donot see the Achilles tendon?
Yes and no.
Yes because the mind can attack me with something that I cannot see into, on every unexpected moment.
No because the mind is not real. How can something that is not real attack me?
Because I believe that it's real.
Ah that's still stored in the physic. In the cells of the physic.
So the believing in the mind is stored in the cells of the physic. And because of this, the physic is attacking me. I give the power to the mind which is reflecting in the physic.
It feels like there is a life, or actually 'no life' but a war inside me that I have no influence at.
Cramping-uncramping - polarity - mind.
When this happens too much too often the mind got fixed into the cramp, into the tension, into attention.
I have to deprogram the cells. So the cells become Alive. And I and the cells can be equal and one.
We are not eaqual and one at the moment. We are 'working against' each other. WAR.
I have become a victim of my own cells.
That's what I am so sad about. That's what I am exhausted by. By the WAR inside.

And this is reflecting in my outside world. Not being equal and one but isolated from each other.
Playing hide and seek. Running away as a victim.
Hiding for my own cells. Which is not possible, because it are my own cells. Directed by/as the mind.
Only one thing can stop this:
Me, standing up as mySelf.
To stop the mind. To start directing myself as Self as Life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to become a victim of my own cells.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to become a victum of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to be so tired, exhausted of being attacked by my own cells.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to blame my cells for attacking me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to

The self-forgivenesses are not really 'working'.
I am not moving myself, I feel myself laying back inside, hiding, doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to lay back inside, to hide inside, to do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to feel too much a victum which had stopped the believing in something like self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to not really see how applying self-forgiveness can 'resolve' this.
??????

Resolve means a decission but also a solution and also to disappear.
Een besluit betekent een beslissing maar ook een oplossing en ook verdwijnen.
For resolution the same.
How is this possible?
Does it mean that a resolve makes you solute, disappear (in the mind)?
YES. That is experienced last sunday when I took the resolve to go to sleep 1,5 hour in the afternoon.
I completely disappeared by doing this as a resolve.

Resolve as a 'pact with the devil'?

The resolve is splitting within three.
Father, Sun, Holey Spirit.
Consiousness, Unconsiousness, subconsiousness.
(God, Leven, Mind?)

The decision makes one and equal with/as the mind. It's a decision to live one and equal as the mind. A decision to be a slave. That's why 'making decisions is not 'working'. It's alway as the mind, not as Self.
The self doesnot make decisions.
I never saw an animal making a decision, a resolve.
An animal is Living Here, in the moment.
Also a child is Living Here in every moment. Untill one day the child makes a resolve.

I made this resolve inside myself one day.
If I was old enough to make a resolve, than I was old enough to be responsable for myself, for doing this.
I am the only person who can forgive this.

This resolve gives the blockade, the blockade to the Self.
Not the curse gives this blockade to the Self; the curse gives the blockade to the white light, not to myself.
The resolve makes dependent on the white light, 'One as the White Light' through the mind.
Because we blockaded ourselves to ourselves.
Within a curse, there are two blockades, to 'God' and to Self.
Complete dependent on the mind, isolated in/as the mind.

The curse was called over by someone who was connected to 'God'.
So the curse could only be lifted by 'God', or by someone who is 'connected to God'.
I took the resolve, I blockaded myself to mySelf.
So I can 'lift' this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to attack myself as the mind instead of to forgive myself as the mind.

So far for now.
(Also a start with seeing into the mechanism of auto-immunediseases)

dinsdag 25 oktober 2011

heaven and hell

Sex is a substitute to come into the experience to be one but keeps dependent on another person.
Sex as the mind multiplies as the mind, which makes the world fall apart.
Not one as All Life but one with one other person in and as the mind.
One woman and one man (female-energy and male-energy), plus and min in polarity, brought together which gives the experience of one.
If you don't find 'the one' than you cannot experience this oneness.
Genius - genital / geniaal - genitaal.





I experienced this myself.
After the man was running away (as I was running away inside), I letterly wrote him:
Feeling you inside me was like heaven, when you walked away after this it was like hell.
The experience of the mind as falling apart - hell.

I knew this was not true, I knew that I could be one as myself.
But knowing as the mind is not realizing but still as the mind so giving the illusion of the emotional pain of falling apart. From heaven into hell. Polarity coming forward out of polarity.
I was not one and equal as Self and he was not one and equal as Self, so we were not one and equal as self as eachother.
Seperated as a reflection of the situation inside ourselves.
Afscheiding - afscheiding / seperation - secretion in the vagina.

Why have so many woman infections of the bladder after having sex?

Bladder infection. Infection of the bladder / blaas, blowing / blazen instead of breathing.
The bladder is not breathing but blowing. It blows you away.
An infection is because of the anger. Anger gives infections.
It blows you away in anger.

Sex as me, as myself. What is that?

Breathing, only Breathing.

Become one as Breath. One as yourself as Breath as Life.
Than you don't need sex anymore.
Than you don't need a substitue for Breath, for Life, for the experience to be one.
Because you are one as Breath, as Life.
Multiply this and it becomes one as breath plus one as breath plus one as breath.
Untill we are All one as Breathing, One Breath.

Having sex equal and one as Self as Breath.
Not dependent on sexual energy. Because this doesnot exist anymore.
Not dependent on another being, no need to 'relate', to fill the empty place in the mind. Because this doesnot exist anymore.
If you are one as breath it doesnot matter if you are al-one one as breath or one as breath with another being who is one as breath. One is One.

This is as far as I can see at this moment.
I don't have to 'worry' about having sex or not having sex.
I can walk the process to become one as Breath as Life.
Into an agreement in and as myself.
Not having sex at the moment because sex will confuse me. Because I am not yet one and equal as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make worries about the question if I can or cannot and will or will not have sex anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need another person to have sex, which actually means that I need another person to breath, instead of realizing that I as Self am One as Breath as Life; as All Life.

maandag 24 oktober 2011

self-forgiveness-caring

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be carefull.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to be carefull.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what Life is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to be carefull as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so scared and scarred that I cannot be carefull as myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for being not carefull, instead of seeing that this is the consequence of the stifling effect of the reactions on the care-taking of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take this care-taking of the mind personally, instead of seeing that this is just the nature of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop breathing as a result of the self-blame, instead of seeing that I put myself on hold with doing this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop caring for myself by stopping breathing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always search for a way to feel good, instead of seeing that with this I am not Here but in the mind, so with this I am not caring Life at All.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to defend myself with taking things personally and reacting personally, which is not caring for me and not caring for the other as Life at All.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become careless, indifferent, by getting stifled through my own reactions on the care-taking of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide this being indifferent.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed about being indifferent.

Indifferent. In the difference.
It is clear that indifference is not equal and one. It's the opposite of equal and one, which is created as reaction at the care-taking of the mind (see the blog 'I don't care').

I see how I create the tense in the large intestine. With my own reaction inside. It's really too much tensed already, so each reaction is one too much.
I stop immediately. I finally see how I created this tense inside by myself and I finally see what effect each reaction has inside.
That's why I isolated myself more and more. I could not have more reactions of myself on other people, I already had enough reactions inside from me on myself.

Reacting on anything is really not caring.
Not for the other and not for myself. It's not caring Life, it's killing, stifling Life.
(And this is what the cat was speaking about, in the blog 'a cat speaking').

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create tense inside with emotional reactions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be caring for myself and for others by going into reactions again and again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel panic inside when this tense is coming up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this panic is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have the right to react on a person when the person said something 'wrong'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have the right to react on myself when I said something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have the right to react on anything at all, instead of seeing that 'having the right' is of the mind and coming out of the judgementsystem.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a judgementsystem inside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become an automatically judgementsystem.

zondag 23 oktober 2011

care-money-love

To care is very close to worry. Making worries.
And what is the only thing that we actually really make worries about?

MONEY

This morning I could see how this had manifested in the familyline.
My grandmother was always making worries about a lot of things, and most of it about having enough money. She has lived in war with very little food.
After this, as long as I knew her, there was always enough money. More than enough. But untill she died, she didnot want for example to take a taxi for one time because she didnot know if there was enough money to do this.
I knew this patron of making worries was going on inside me, I could see it in myself. For example, I don't take a taxi for one time, also not if I have the money and must walk and hitchhike to come home.
(So you see, I prefer a 'free' taxi. Keeping the money in my pocket :-) ).
It seems a waist to me (which it is many times, but that's another point).

My mother was 'caring for' me, so actually 'caring' or worrying for herself, and my whole life I have been angry about the stifling effect that I have allowed this to have on me.
I can finally see how the worries/stifling caring of my mother are a direct consequence of the worries about having enough money. Because, what is the substitute for making worries about money?

LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

We have to create many relationships to make sure there is always someone who 'takes care' of us.
We must 'love' the other person to make sure that we have something to eat and a place to stay.
And within this, love can be and will be used for manipulation.
If you don't love me, I don't love you, and than you have to go away and I donot give you food/money anymore. It's your 'choice'. Your 'free choice'. uhu.

You will deny this, you will say, no, I really love you.
But we are all equal and one in this, we all have this moneysystem in our genes, and we all are still enslaved by the mind, untill we free ourselves from this. Free ourselves from the enslavement to the mind on the base of an equal moneysystem.
So the love that you are so sure about is not pure. Because there is fear for not having enough money/food if you donot love another or if the other person donot love you anymore.

Seeing into this stops being angry about it. I can forgive myself and my mother for allowing and accepting this.

"Caring only happens when there is no scare or scar" -Bernard-

http://www.equalmoneysystem.org/

I see the same thing happening in my own situation.
M. tells me from the beginning I love you I love you I love you.
And I am saying stop this, it's not real, I don't love you.
(Polarity).

I donot want a relationship with him as the situation is now, but living as roommates is actually going very well from the beginning.
I lived alone in a house where you can live in with a 4-5 person-family. On the other site of the street they live with 10 people in it (which is actually too much). He has no home here. Than what must I say, okay you have to go now because I don't love you? It's your choice?
I asked him the question very clearly, I said, I donot want a relationship. Do you still want to live here?
Immediately he said yes. And this is what I actually was seeing from the beginning but what was fuzzled: he doesnot want me, he wants a place to stay.
Does he really have a choice in this? Do I really have a choice in this without creating a lot of consequences by sending a person away because I don't love him?

How can we ever become equal when I have the possability to kick him out of the house everytime?
This is what the polish people here in Holland all are manipulated with: if they don't 'behave', which means if they don't behave like a slave, they are kicked out of job but also out of the house. And without job and house they have to go back to Polen. (How the situation there is I have no insight in but I know that they many are coming here to find a job and make money. Which ofcourse is also not a real solution).

Okay back to myself. Because, I was afraid to say that I didnot want a relation with him but that I do want him to live here as roommates. Afraid that he would run away if I don't love him.

No choice. Facing the fact that love in relation doesnot really exist, that I am not living with a boy that I 'feel love' for, as feeling is an illusion of the mind.
Roommates is just a name, the points will come to the surface anyway.
This is what I have no choice in. I have to see into all the points that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by on the mind.

In theory this is simple. In practical daily life it's 'difficult'.

Difficult.
It's the thing that I always heard as a child. You are always doing so difficult.
Strange isn't it?
All the mindstructures are inside, parents donot take responsability so the child got all the structures from the whole familyline, all the 'difficulties' that no one dare to see into. What would you expect from a child? To be 'easy' with this? The child is maken difficult by the mindstructures. The mind is making things difficult, not the child itself is difficult. This is what everyone has to stand up in. Also the child has to take responsability.
But don't put another layer on it by saying that the child is (doing) difficult.

And that's what I am experiencing in the house now. That I make things difficult.
M. is putting his mind between us, he thinks to hear what I say and for that he is not listening to what I really say. And he sais, ya ya Ingrid.
I notice he doesnot understand me. So I say something about it. And than he says, "Iiiiiingrid, Pleeeaaase". On a very hushing tone. Does he see into this? No. After this he says, I go smoking a sigaret. Every time again.

This is what really makes me angry. I have to stop this reaction.
How can I live with a person who cannot see into this? When every conversation is a battle instead of communication?
What can I not see into?
This makes to want me to go back to sleep again. This is the structure that I allowed to keep me down. It feels like gummy dreads inside.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am doing difficult.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I make things difficult when I try to see into the structures that are under the surface.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am doing difficult when I don't play the game of hushing each other.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do play the game of hushing each other.

It has something to do with the love-relation that I don't want to let go.
I want to live with the boy that I feel love for.
Does he feel love for me? I have no idea.
Writing this, I see that this doesnot really matter. The feeling of love is very egoistic. If I feel good, oh my god if I feel 'God', than it's okay. I don't really care how the other person is feeling.

This is the shit that is under the surface. I want to feel Good, I want to feel God.
A sentence completely as the mind. I as the mind want as the mind (free will) to feel which is the mind God which is the mastermind.

Does M has a chance in this? Am I listening to him when I put this mind-picture between us?
Do I see now what my part is?
I do exactly the same. I put the mind in between which gives no chance for communication as equal and one.
With this, I am making it difficult.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can live with the man that I feel love for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that feeling love is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to feel good without 'caring' about how things are for the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put the mind between M and me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this point on M.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become angry when M reflects this point to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself smaller than the mind when I become angry, and for this I cannot stand up in this situation, and that's what is putting me down and makes me want to sleep.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on my own reactions so on the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with this feelings and emotions.

No not the mind of the other person is fixing me, but my own reactions as feelings and emotions on the mind of the other person is what is fixing me. The gummy dreads inside.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the mind of the other person can fix me, and for that I become so angry 'at the other person', instead of seeing that I fix myself by going into this reaction as emotion, and that's why I become angry, at myself, for fixing myself with my own reaction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with going into my own reaction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with this feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this emotions and feelings are real.

zaterdag 22 oktober 2011

I don't care

To take care for another person. What is this? 'I do care, I take care of'.
I do care is doing something so it's creating care.
I take care is to take away something, it's taking away the (self)care.

To do or take care of another person keeps away from the self, for both person.
By being busy with creating care about others and other things, we don't have to look inside ourselves. So we are not self-responsable. It's caring as the mind of the mind of another person.
In the end we will always become angry at the other person, because this caring of something outside keeps away from the self. By doing this, taking care of something outside us, we must leave ourselves. Soon or late we will be angry about this. On ourselves ofcourse, for leaving ourselves, for accepting and allowing ourselves to believe that we are doing the 'right' thing, but we project this on the person we take care of.

The person we take care of needs to be 'carefull' when we put our mind upon the other person. When something happen to the other person, than where are we? Gone.
The other person has to stay alive, because we made the other person the substitution for Life in and as ourselves; so we made the other person a substutution for ourselves.
Leaving ourselves so leaving Life, the other person must keep us alive.
So, the mind is afraid 'that something happen' to the other person, which means actually, is afraid for itself to be left alone without life. The other person must stay nearby, because we made the other person responsable for Life in ourselves.
And the other person indeed needs to be 'carefull', because he/she didnot have an example of how to be one and equal as Life which 'takes care' of itSelf!
In the end this will have a stifled effect on both person.
Stifling by the believing in the example that we have to keep eachother alive.
Which is a lie of the mind, so stifles by the lies of the mind. The lies that ties.

Will this taking care support the other person? When another takes care of you, what are you doing?
Nothing! There is already taken care of everything, everycare is taken away.

So what happens:
Doing nothing - apathy; through 'taking away' the (self)care, which gives: I don't care.
Running away - energy; to escape the stifled effect, which also gives: I don't care.

The polarity is created.

With this taking or doing care, is the other person seen as equal and one as Life as Self?
No. There is no trust that the other person can 'take care of her/himself'. Because we have no selftrust, we cannot trust the other person that he/she has selftrust.
Which is true, there was no Living Example of Self-Trust.
And so we keep on taking care of each other. Which is keeping each other equal and one as the mind.

It's the mind that kills, and for that the mind must place the doing of taking care in advantage against the killing, to be taken care of to not to be killed.
And what happens by doing this? It's killing, stifling theonething that seemed to take care of: Life. And because we are killing Life we need a substitution, we need to take care for something to fill this emptyness. To fill the emptyness with taking care.

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Stop the doing because doing is equal and one as the mind. Don't care, don't do care. And stop the taking because it takes away the responsability for Self as Self, which is Life.
Start to become one and equal as Self as Life. To be the Living example as Self as Life.
Self as Life is carefull, Life 'takes care' of itSelf and Self  'takes care' of Life;
Life is carefull within itSelf.

Do you want to become Equal and One as Life which is carefull within itSelf?

http://www.desteniiproces.com/
http://www.equalmoneysystem.org/
http://www.desteni.co.za/
http://www.desteni.net/

donderdag 20 oktober 2011

WAR

I am scared of my own mind.
Of course! I allowed myself to be directed by the mind completely. I allowed to be a slave of the mind.
With allowing this I made myself smaller than the mind. And for this I had to create the illusion of being bigger than the mind, to overcome this. Polarity is created.
We all created this and projected this, which made us scared to other people, 'mensenschuw'.
It's not mensenschuw, it's mindschuw; it's not afraid of people, it's afraid of the mind.
Schuw, afraid of our own mind. Schuwen, afschuw.
I thought I was scared of my mother. Which is not true. I am scared for the spite of her mind.
Which is not true. I was scared for the spite of my own mind, which was starting when I allowed her to spite me, when I believed that this is possible, that she could spite me, and I allowed myself to believe this and to do nothing. And for this I start spiting myself, for 'doing nothing', for believing that the spite of another person could influence me and for allowing that it influenced me by believing this.
There it is, doing nothing as allowing which irritated me.

Because everyone is scared for the mind, projecting this so is scared for eachother, for the attack of the mind of each other. And for this we start defending ourselves. But this is not really defending ourselves, it's defending our mind. And the mind is still attacking ourselves inside ourselves, so we are still not 'protected'.
Defending is not practical, defending belongs to the mind.
And this is reflecting in the outside world, defending and attacking:

WAR.

We are in war inside which is reflecting outside, and we repeat this by defending and attacking each other, actually we defend this reflection of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared for my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow and create war outside by allowing and creating war inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself smaller than the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself enslaved to the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to projected the fear for my own mind into fear for other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my mother could spite me, instead of seeing that I spited myself after allowing the believing that another person could spite me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated by other people who were doing nothing, instead of seeing how I was irritated by myself doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be irritated by myself doing nothing, instead of seeing that I created irritatíon, ergenis, because I allowed myself to believe that it was 'erg' that I was doing nothing and with this I created another judgement.

We are afraid of our own mind, but we don't want to see into this. So we project. But everytime we see something in someone else that we feel that we are afraid of, we push this away immediately, we don't want to see into this. For this, we push away the fear, the schuw. We push far away the schuw, the schuw we push 'ver af'. And ver-af-schuwen is created. Another layer to not feel the schuw, the fear. And with this we can push everything away that we don't like, that we (ver-af-)schuwen, that we dislike, abhor. We have a 'reason' now, we verafschuwen het, we abhor it.

We zijn ver af van het schuwen. Dat wat we schuwen duwen we ver af.
(We are far away from fear, that what we fear we push far away. The dutch word is speaking).

Everything that scares us we push away, we make boarders, boxes. In our mind, in our world.
Everything we ver-af-schuwen is put into boxes. We isolate it, we push it aside, apart, which gives apartheid.
And this is what the world is reflecting.
Everything that we verafschuwen is pushed away, and we defend and defend because we don't want the boxes to be open, we donot want to see what is inside the boxes. We don't want to see what we fear, abhor, allow, isolate, which is (all in) our own mind. We are fighting against ourselves, inside there is the inner-terrorist.
And because we are already defending for so long it's more and more difficult to stop, because the af-schuw had became bigger and bigger, which also makes the af-schuw bigger and bigger because we verafschuwen that we verafschuwen for such a long time.

http://desteni.co.za/a/questions-and-perspectives-what-are-emotions

If I feel afschuw, If I ver-af-schuw/abhor something, I stop this emotion and I breath through, untill I see what I scare, wat ik schuw.
I stop. I Breath. I see into the mind by writing so I can see what I fear, schuw. I apply self-forgiveness. I apply self-correction.

Stop the war inside, stop the inner-terrorist, stop apartheid, see into the boxes:
http://www.desteniiproces.com/
Stop the reason for war:
http://www.equalmoneysystem.org/

woensdag 19 oktober 2011

Relation-chips

Living in the illusion of a curse, a ban.

Forever banished means forever connected to the mind, blockaded to the White Light ('God').
'In relation' to everything in and as the mind. This is the only thing that is left, relations as, with and within the mind.
Only being able to live in relation towards somebody or something else.
Banned from Self, because accepted as real through Self.

Living in illusion of being banned from Self and blockaded to the White Light made it unable to have a relation with another person, because this gives complete dependency on the other person (in and as the mind) without a connection (relation) to the Whight Light. The only connection left is the other person, from perspective of the mind, which you are banished to. A relation to another person is, from perspective of the mind, the only way to complete yourself (as mind). There is no God to complete, to fill with 'love', to give the illusion to be one, so the other person must complete, must fill the longing for love. Enslaved to the eternal searching for the One, the other person who can fill the empty place inside the mind.

Banished to relationships.

Before there was needed a person connected to the White Light to lift the ban. Now the White Light is removed, the mind can be stopped by and as ourselves. Which automaticly stops the ban.

'To hang up' on the mind is to form a relation with everything in and as the mind. More and more and more. Untill there are so many relations that you cannot see yourself anymore. Ensnared (verstrikt), stifled (verstikt) in the relation-web. To hang up yourself on the mind, ensnared, stifled, untill you 'commit' suicide, you commit to hang up yourself, because you donot see a way out of this web. A total commitment with and as the mind.

Relations were only necessary to keep us enslaved to the White Light (The White Light needed us to relate to the mind to relate to The White Light).
The White Light is removed, now we have to remove the relationships, relation-chips.
The chip that programmed us into relations.

dinsdag 18 oktober 2011

trust

"Before the cock crows in the morning you will have betrayed me 3 times".

I cannot trust myself. Not at all.
I don't know if I am speaking as the mind or as self. I still believe my own feelings in some cases, I donot even see that this are feelings because I am so 'used' to use the way I feel as a starting point of what to do and how to move. Actually I did let my feelings decide how my day was, how I was. I became the feeling.
I became sensitive. A sensitive person. In the beginning, when somebody told me this, that I was sensitive, I didnot know what they were talking about. But after a while I started to 'recognize' this. And with this I definated myself as sensitive. Yes ofcourse, I became my feelings and emotions, which is very sensitive!
When I grow up we never 'talked about' feelings and emotions. This was all suppressed. With suppressing this, I made the feelings and emotions bigger and bigger. I learned myself to speak about my feelings, to be honest about my feelings as the mind. And this became my starting point, to be honest about my feelings and emotions.

And this feelings and emotions pointed out to be not real. So the whole startingpoint is gone, is not real.

The one thing that I can do is to stop thoughts, feelings and emotions and to forgive myself for definating myself as feelings and emotions.
I cannot make any 'decision' of any amount because these are decisions of the mind, decisions made from the starting point of being honest as my feelings and emotions, being honest as the mind, which is self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself by believing that my feelings and emotions are real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react om my feelings and emotions as they were real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make decisions based on feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can or have to make decisions.

The mind is joking me by letting me believe that it are 'my own decisions'. Well that's clear, 'my own decision' is of the mind, because it's 'my own'. So this is not what is best for all life, this is what is best for me as the mind.
In this moment, I cannot stand for myself equal and one as myself and I cannot stand for another person equal and one as myself. Because my thoughts, feelings and emotions are troubleding everything inside me.
Because I am not equal and one as Self as Breath as All Life at the moment.
This is the only thing that I can be honest about, that I am not self-honest at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my thoughts, feelings and emotions troubleding everything inside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what self-honesty is.

I am waiting for approval. And I based my inside reactions on this.
I am scared to do things wrong, to say things wrong. To say things as the mind, which I am doing of course. To write things as the mind, which I am doing of course; that's what the writing is for, to see what I have  become as the mind, so I can forgive this.
And when I do write, I am waiting for approval. If this is not coming, than I am searching inside myself if I did do anything wrong, if I did use the wrong words, if it was too much written out of thoughts or feelings or emotions.
The judgingsystem is alway finding a way to judge. I am the only one who can stop this. I am writing for myself, to free myself. And who can see what I need to write myself to freedom? Me.

I trust myself that I am able to correct myself. Not on doing things 'right', but on me being able to use the tools to correct myself. Breathing, applying self-forgiveness, writing, and by applying the correction.
Until I can be equal and one as Self where nothing moves within me.

Within creating feelings for somebody else there is also a feeling of movement. A movement towards the other person, or actually towards the picture that I have created of the other person.
"Now it's gonna happen". Now my life is really starting. Now I am really going to move. But it never happened. Only the mind was moving, faster and faster, into a rush. And I was waiting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I could move myself through emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know that I was moving myself through emotions and for that I was creating emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for a movement from outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for approval from outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have been waiting my whole life, searching for someone or something outside me, to move myself into life, instead of seeing that this searching was keeping me away from myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to do things wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can do anything wrong or right.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that anyone outside me can judge me, instead of seeing that I as the mind am the only one who's judging is pulling me down, and I as Self am the only one who can forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to base reactions on reactions of other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to base reactions on my own reactions.

maandag 17 oktober 2011

stop emotions and feelings

I have to stop the emotions and feelings. It's an enslavement.
I donot need to understand things first, I just have to stop and than I can start seeing into it.
Again the mind was turning this around. I was going into the emotions and feelings to try to understand, but by doing this I only become more energetic, more away from becoming constant and alive.
It's simple: I have to stop.

Talking with my mother on the phone supported me in this. I cannot be emotional with her. I was always hiding every emotion and feeling because I didnot want to see her into this. We didnot 'connect' as the mind, not at all. So, after the phonecall, I noticed that I was more clear inside, more here. So, the point that I 'blamed' her for in the past, that I could not 'show her my feelings', this now was supporting me to become here. If I am not emotional, not in and as the mind, I cannot be 'hurt' by her anymore. Only my feelings, so the mind can be hurt. Than I don't need to put this item between us anymore, I don't need to use this to unequal myself to her.
This can stop now. Not making new layers of unequality. And remove all the old patrons of unequality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I first have to go into the emotions and feelings before I can see and understand where they come from, instead of seeing that by doing this I keep the emotions and feelings alive, so I keep the mind alive, instead of becoming Alive one and equal as Self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my mother had to understand my emotions and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my mother could hurt me as Self, instead of seeing that only the mind can be hurt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame my mother for the fact that I could not 'show her my feelings'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I needed to show my feelings to my mother or to anyone else.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let decide my mother what I could 'show' and what not.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to 'show' something to other people, instead of being equal and one as Self, as Life, as All Life, so there is nothing that need to be shown.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become enslaved to emotions and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to unequal myself to my mother and my mother to myself.

zondag 16 oktober 2011

forgive enslavement

I saw the point where I became totally enslaved to a man, so to the mind. I felt directly after the moment that it was not ok. After this happening the man ran away, ofcourse, so I could not 'talk' about it with him. It took me a year before I could see into this. A year of writing sms, to see myself, and of needing another relation to walk through the relationpoints that I could not walk through with the first man. Which I am thankfull for, for the time with the other man.
Now I did see it, what happened in that moment that felt not ok. I could finally see honestly into it, and see that there the enslavement was completed.
I could forgive myself immediately.

Now I can start with this, to see into the specific illusions of the love-relation and to stop these thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Its open now, it's new. Not giving attention to a man but being with myself, untill I am one and equal as myself. With or without a man being around.

Before I was constantly pulling back when things were open because it felt not safe.
I was trying to keep the situation as it is, or even trying to go back to how it was before.
I was changing my mind constantly, which made me uncapable to change.
Isolation became the safety.
I am going to deprogram myself, untill I can change in every moment, in every breath.

To become constant as Self so I can change in one breath.
To become the constant change?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that isolation keeps me save.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go back into a situation in the mind, over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to never live right here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to keep the situation as it is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to keep the situation constantly instead of seeing that I have to be the constant as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid of changing situations.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to change constantly as the mind, which makes me uncapable to change, instead of being constant as Self, able to change in one breath
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After writing this the resistance is coming up. I am struggling all day with half-written blogs.
I donot see and realise how this love-realation (!! slip of the finger) cannot be real. I can write beautifull words, I can understand it, but I don't see it, I don't believe it.
That's a polarity from the mind, to not believe.
What I do see and realise is that I became completely enslaved to the man, and that has to stop.
But I cannot see why I cannot walk the process with him, why I am with somebody else now.
I miss him so much. I miss being fysical with him, I miss myself how I felt being fysical with him.
So than I must miss myself so much. Being fysical with myself so much.
I don't know what that is, being fysical with myself, as myself. Maybe I could only be fysical with somebody else, through somebody else. Well that's something. That's complete dependency, complete enslavement.
And was I fysical with him or was I as the mind with him?
If I became completely enslaved, than I was as the mind with him. Only the mind can be enslaved.
I must have been fysical with him as the mind, not as breath. Which is not real as the fysic.

I feel like I betray myself. If I feel this and if I am emotional, than it must be turned around. So I feel like I betray the mind. Letting go of something that was everything for me. The reason that I lived for.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can be the reason I live for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I miss another person, instead of realizing that I miss myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let down myself completely by making another person the reason I live for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can only be fysical through or with somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I was fysical with him, instead of seeing that I was fysical as the mind with him, which is not really fysical but energetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can walk the process with somebody else, instead of realizing that I walk the process with myself, as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am 'with somebody else now', instead of realizing that I am Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really realize that the reason that I lived for is not real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really want to give up this illusion and enslavement, which gives the conclusion that I not really want to stand up Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really want to stand up Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that a love-realation (again slip of the finger) is not real. It's a realization, and that's what is real.


vrijdag 14 oktober 2011

the right to live

M. told me he wanted to find another room to live in.
I was not prepared, but I noticed it was okay. I didnot know that this was an option.
I didnot really react, only asked why. And he said that he didnot know how to live together.

It was ok. It waked me up. In afternoon, evening, also in the beginning of the next morning. No judgements of my own mind because it was not forced by the mind. I just stopped the interaction between us to give space to myself to walk the process. To stop inter-action and see what will remain. I did and do not feel quilty which is a relieve. Not feeling quilty makes me more stable and able to see what's going on inside.

Next morning it was starting. The things that were hidden behind were coming up. No judgements but fear.
Some panic of being alone again. Scared to fall into lonelyness 'again'. I cannot fill this with sleeping now!
But also about the money. Before he came in I was living alone for a long time. I always managed, but I always worried a little because I had just enough money.
This worries stopped living with him. 100 or 200 euro can make a difference.
But it's more than that. Living together gives a feeling of being safe(d!). Also when it's not really a pleasure together.
What a mess this blog. It seems like a diary.
Suddenly it seems like I don't have anything to wright anymore. Before yesterday it started streaming. Now I feel like I have no right to do this anymore. What is this, this rediculous effect? It's like I push myself back in the black hole. The hole of not belonging to anyone or anything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have no right TO LIVE when I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the right to live is real, instead of seeing that 'the right' is a word of the system so not real, it's simple 'I have to Live".

So it becomes: I have to Live Alone.

In this moment I know I am Life. Life is within me, as myself. I am not equal and one as life yet, but I know I am. That's something. In this moment I know I donot need the white light or another person to become Alive. I can write myself through, I can breath myself through. I can stand up in the black hole. The black hole is just an illusion. It can only exist bij de grace of the white light, and by the believing that this is real.

There again the thought is: It doesnot make sense. It doesnot make sense when he is not around.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I only can make sense by the grace of another person, by the grace of the white light.

I really have to write the hell out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the black hole is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need another person to keep me out of the illusion of the black hole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a partner to become alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a partner to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other person can pull me back into the black hole because I have no partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel safe with a partner, instead of feeling safe in myself as myself, which is the only way to really be safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a black hole in my mind where I can disappear in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling safe is real, instead of seeing that feeling safe is an illusion because feeling is of the mind and safe is a polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the time that I have to fill alone now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that time is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to fill time, instead of being Here, breathing in every moment without any consciousness of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can fall in anything, the only thing that I can fall in is in the illusion of the mind, which I can stop myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was safe in this relation, because M. loved me so much that he would not leave me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can be safe in a relation, instead of seeing that I can only be safe in myself as myself, in the starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had to give M more attention, instead of seeing that attention is as the mind, and that is what I stopped between us.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that this blog is a mess.

This all was already inside me before I met M. It's my program, I have to see into this myself and walk through, assisting myself.

Full of wonder I look around me, like I am searching something.
Why am I not falling into emotions?
I can catch myself in the breathing.
I have to Live Alone; with or without someone around.
It doesnot really matter. It does not change who I am.
Living with someone doesnot make me less Alone.
Living alone doesnot make me lonely.
Let's see how things sort out, without me as the mind trying to direct, speaking words as the mind.
This will slow down the process, it confuses.
Giving up the control.
Not into addiction, but into Life.
Not forcing myself to (the illusion of) making a choice, because this is what gives the pain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am less Alone when I live with another person around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that living alone makes me feel lonely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have no right to live Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to direct life by speaking words as the mind, trying to control life into the way I personally wanted it to be, instead of seeing that I was slowing down and confusing the process, creating a lot of emotions and pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that after writing this I will fall back into emotions, instead of trusting myself, seeing that I can catch myself in writing, in breathing, making myself one and equal as the emotion and breath through, so the emotion disappear. And applying self-forgiveness.

I cannot allow myself to fall back in emotion again.
I am not letting go a person, I am letting go the illusion of a love-relation.
Now I really have to breath.

woensdag 12 oktober 2011

discipline

I am not disciplined. I am disciplined as the mind, but not as self. Not really.
I thought I was disciplined. Which made me arrogant to people who were not disciplined as the mind.
I didnot understand why I got the mirror of not being able to discipline, of not being able to move myself.
Now I can see. My mind was hiding this with a layer, a very thin layer actually.
Now I can see. Why I felt always being afraid of  'falling through the basket'.
I was hiding this under a thin layer of discipline. 'It may not be seen'.
I have felt this a thousand times. Every time going into this emotion, into this tear. Which was functioning as a releave for a while. But it did not solve anything. It remained 'there'.
Now I see why I couldnot stand up. 
The pain in my intestine. A feeling of helplessness. Pulling me down into eternal oblivion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am helpless.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide this feeling of being helpless.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be arrogant to other people who are not disciplined as the mind, instead of seeing that we are one and equal as life, all not yet able to discipline ourselves as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into this tear time after time, instead of stopping this emotion because with going into this emotion I remain the same and create only more frustration.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stay in eternal oblivion, instead of seeing that I am the only one who is keeping me into this oblivion, so I am the only one who can stand up in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the eternal oblivion is real, instead of seeing that this is an illusion, created by the white light to keep mankind enslaved.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself and others by being arrogant, to suppress with the discipline of the mind, instead of seeing that this discipline is not real, it's only creating an eggshell of hardness (there is the eggshell), it's only suppressing life more.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create and use the discipline as the mind to survive in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to move myself as self, but only to force myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to force myself and others as the mind by using discipline as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself with the believing that I was disciplined.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let myself down everytime again in this illusion of eternal oblivion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to got ensnared in the experience of 'again and again', not able to stop this circle of repetition.

("Again, weer, het weer? The weather?" The weather as reflection of the repetition, creating more and more energy, turbulence?).

dinsdag 11 oktober 2011

breath, rush, pain

Waking up and immediately standing up after 6 hours sleep.
Sitting down on the ground, going into breathing.
After 5 or 10 minutes, I noticed a change. I did become the breathing for a while. Before I was doing the breathing, observating myself breathing. (And after this moment also).
Self-intimicy. For one moment I was self-intimate.
Being the breathing I have myself in my own hands, when I do the breathing I put myself away.
Here I can 'Be'. Not in the sleep, but in the Breath.

Going on with the 'morning rituals', feeding the animals etc. After a while the pain in the intestine is coming up. Two 'forces' are striking, life and mind. The mind controls life with cramping.
This happens every morning. When I wake up I feel okay, after some time I start struggling with the intestines and the stool. This is for a long time now so this also became a patron by itself, becoming scared that this struggling is coming up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become scared for the struggling with the stool in the morning.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be controled by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put away this control of the mind in the intestine, instead of standing up as myself and breath through.

When the stool is not going easily, the pain and discomfort inside is pulling me down all day. I have pain inside, I got emotional, cranky; I cannot stand on my feet because my belly is in the way; I want to lay down and most of all, I want to sleep. The tiredness is coming up very strong. I cannot move myself.
But the mind is what is cramping the intestine, and if I go to sleep the mind is reloading so the pressure will become stronger. That's not an option anymore (and never really was).
I don't like to write about this.
When the pain and struggling is coming up, I always feel the same thing: self-hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for hating myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily, instead of seeing that the feeling of hate has a different source.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pain and cramping and difficulty with the stool is never going away, because I am trying to solve this problem for such a long time now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about writing about this subject.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make the cramping in the intestine worse and worse by worrying about how I can solve this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to solve this, instead of seeing that I have to forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see the startingpoint of this cramping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a startingpoint to release the body from the pain, instead of seeing that every day, every minute, every breath can be the starting point to apply forgiveness and to start moving myself. I am the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel emotional and crancky because of the pain in the intestine, instead of seeing that with doing this I create a new layer.

When I am breathing, the question 'why' is coming up.
Feeling of dishonesty, verongelijkt.
Ik ben boos dat ie het niet doet; I am angry that it's not working.
Ik ben boos dat ik niet meedoe, I am angry that I don't join.
Er zit geen leven in mijn darmen, daarom voeg ik dit steeds toe.
There is no life in my intestine, that's why I supply it every time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that other people were more alive than I because they had a connection to the white light, instead of seeing that we are all equal and one and nobody was really alive; the white light was just an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this as an excuse to feel unequaled, instead of standing up in myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that 'I cannot come through this', instead of breathing through it, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there is no life in my intestine, instead of seeing and realizing that I am one and equal as Life, but that this life is suppressed by the mind.

Ik ben constant aan het reageren op mijn eigen pijn dus mijn eigen mind van binnen.
Dit moet stoppen.
I am constantly reacting on my own pain inside so on my own mind
This must stop.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel really disequaled (aggrieved) by the fact that I have so much pain for such a long time and other people seem not to have this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the unequality which is going on in the world, is real, instead of seeing that we al created this with the mind. We are equal and one as Self as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel good when I have no pain and to feel not good if I have pain; with this I make myself dependent of the pain so of the mind and I create another polarity.

When I see into the fat pressed words, I see what words I use:
I am constantly reacting
That's something. I write so I think that I am this, I am the constant reactions on my own pain, on my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am the constant reactions on my own pain inside so on the mind, instead of seeing that it's the mind which creates this reactions, which in fact are illusions as reactions on illusions.

I stopped the reactions this afternoon when I saw what I was doing, and it become quiet inside; the intens pressure on the intestine decreased very fast.
The pain and cramp is still inside, because I cannot yet see the specific patrons which are hidden inside, only roughly.
But I have to stop the reactions on this pain. I have to stop to create more layers. I have to stop to suppress myself.
This I can start with, this I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so stupid that I cannot see what specific patrons are hidden inside my intestine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I immediately have to see what patrons are hidden inside, instead of applying self-forgiveness on what is here in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become angry at myself everytime I feel this pain, creating another suppression with this.


maandag 10 oktober 2011

missing myself

I slept long today. Or actually I slept 6 hours and after this I lay in bed for more than 2 hours, asleep, awake, asleep, awake. After 6 hours i woke up out of a dream, and I did not want to let go of this dream. So I tried to 'go back'  into this dream.
This is what I did very often in the past. Trying to go back in the dream because I liked it there more than in daily life.
I stand up, and the mind was not giving signals of being tired. No ofcourse not, it was almost completely reloaded! I did not attack myself for this sleeping too long today, I start to apply self-forgiveness.
But it didnot feel comfortable. I know I have to deal with some rush in the head the whole day.
I was sitting on the toilet, and suddenly I saw what was going on:

I missed myself.

Sleeping 6 hours gives me, till now, some hours struggling with the signals of the mind of being tired every morning, and a lot of other struggles, coming out of the resistance of the mind.
But today I saw the difference. I am struggling with this signals and resistance, but I am with myself.
Today I missed myself. I know I am inside, but I cannot 'reach' myself.
(I speak about being with myself, which makes visible that I am not yet equal and one as myself).


In facebook this morning there was this picture which is so strikable:



Rattling the Cages of the Caged Photo by Marlen Background painting by Scott Cook


This is how I experienced it. The mind is suppressing the self, which makes it impossible to reach the self, so impossible to be equal and one as self, when the mind is reloaded every day.

It's terrible. It makes so clear why it always seemed 'out of reach' to become equal and one with myself, or even notice myself, when I was sleeping 8-9 hours every night.

For the first time a corner of the veil lifts of what it is to be self-intimate.


I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to let myself down everytime time by going back into the dream.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that the dream has something to tell me, instead of seeing that the dreaming after 6 hours sleep is a reload of the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to judge myself for trying to go back into the dream, instead of seeing that I did not have the tools to direct myself through the day, so going back into the dream was the only place to find some apparent relieve of the suppressing of the mind.

(ap-parent?? applying parent??)

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to miss myself for such a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to fill this 'hole' of missing myself with the searching for love, for intimicy with another person, instead of being able to become intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself completey by sleeping 8-9 hours every night.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to know for such a long time that I was searching for myself, without being able to apply myself to become one and equal as myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to describe this suppressing of the mind as terrible, which makes it only more terrible, instead of just seeing how it is and forgive the mind for what it is.





zondag 9 oktober 2011

to dread having to do it

Tomorrow they start to renovate and paint the house outside.
I dreaded to this. For 2-3 days this was like a little black clowd in the backhead.
Suddenly this morning I just accepted this new situation for what it is, and this dreading went away immediately. I stand up in it. It has to be done, so I do it. That's it.
Not making excuses in the mind, not thinking how it would be if things were different, not making worries about what could happen. Nothing.

To become equal and one as the situation. Not make the situation more or less than myself by creating all kind of polarity, because than I cannot stand up in the situation. The situation is pulling me down than because it seems 'bigger' than me.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to first hold myself back from every new situation.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to first create resistance to every new situation, instead of being equal and one as every new situation so I can stand up in it.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to experience fear for every new situation, instead of breathing through the fear, seeing that this is an illusion of the mind because the mind wants to keep everything as it is, fearing for lost (of itself as the mind).
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to create judgements on almost everything that has to be done, not seeing that with this I make the situation bigger than myself.

Cleaning and preparing everything outside for the workers tomorrow, not once the resistance was coming up again, which is cool. Instead of being busy with this happening from tomorrow all day I could live today as today. Also the preparing was going very easily.

zaterdag 8 oktober 2011

'I know'

To know as the mind means nothing.
To know is a knowledge where the mind is hiding behind. Than nothing needs to be practised because we already know it.
'I know, don't talk to me about that, I already know it".
Yes but why I don't see anything change than? Why I see the same patron time after time when I/you know everything? Why I don't see the Living Example of it?
Because to know is from the mind.
And to be a living example is as Self.

What happened? By knowing so much, I created not knowing. Not knowing how to Live al this 'knowing' practically.

'Why write about things that are an open door?' I as ego was asking.
It's about that door, said Sylvie.
We have to step into that door.
Before the door we know.
When we walk through the door, we can become The Living Word, we become Alive.

Isn't this something Jesus said? "The door is always open, but you have to step into it by yourself, as yourself"
(something like this, these are not the specific words).

Writing is a way to walk through the door, word by word.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't have to do anything because I already know 'how it works'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't have to listen because I already know 'how it works'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that to know is enough, instead of seeing that to know is from the mind and doesnot really mean something.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't know how to become the living word, instead of seeing that this is the polarity of 'I know', which I created myself by knowing so much as the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to know how to become the living word, instead of walking the process and become alive step by step, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I first have to know how I can become the living word, before I 'may start' walking the process.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about not exactly knowing what to do, instead of seeing that this knowing is a controlmechanism of the mind, keeping me away from being in the moment.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must know how to live, instead of being every breath in every moment, seeing in the moment what to speak, what to do.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel scared to talk about the process to other people, because I don't exactly know what to say about it, instead of seeing that I don't have to talk about it; I can be the living example of every step in the process in every moment.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I may not speak the living words before I already can live them, instead of seeing that if I cannot speak the living words, I cannot live them.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must know how to Live, instead of seeing that I can become alive through stopping the knowing of the mind by applying self-forgiveness.

When knowing as the mind ends, Life can start.

woensdag 5 oktober 2011

to be here

A constantly experience of panic; I am running around in my head to be everywhere but here.
I have made a connection between 'to be here' and a 'terrible feeling'.
But, if we have never been completely here, than how can I know that to be here gives a terrible feeling?
I cannnot.
So it must be something else that I have made an aversion to, that I connected with the feeling as terrible.
And because the mind turns everything around, the 'terrible feeling' must be in connection with being in the mind! And the mind is turning this into an excuse for not being here, by simulating that 'it is terrible to be here'.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's terrible to be here, instead of seeing that this feeling is a simulation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that to be here gives a terrible feeling, instead of seeing that to be in the mind gives a terrible feeling.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have an aversion to 'to be here'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to connect being in the mind with a terrible feeling, and with this creating another illusion on the illusion of being in the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that the experience of panic is real, instead of seeing that the mind is keeping me away from being here with creating an experience of panic.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to make a connection between the experience of panic and being here, instead of seeing that I have never really been here, so this cannot cause the panic.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that being in the mind will cause an experience of panic, instead of seeing that being in the mind is an illusion, and I am able to stop this as myself.

dinsdag 4 oktober 2011

Expression-2

I have to investigate this more, but as far as I can see in this moment, self-expression is related to the thyroid gland. Self-expression influences the thyroid gland directly; and suppressing the self-expression is suppression the function of the thyroid gland (t.g.), with different consequences in the body. It dysbalans the whole metabolism in the body.


In the store (healthstore, vitamins minerals etc), there are many person, especially women, who have a dysbalans in the function of the t.g. The dysbalans of the t.g. gives divergent complaints in the body.
Too fast or too slow, ups and downs, created by polarity which gives energy, 'high' and 'low' (feeling energetic, feeling exhausted)
It's possible to support the divergent complaints, but it's not a solution for the long term.
This will keep turning around in the circle of life, untill we get dizzy and see nomore
:-).
It's also possible to support the t.g. itself with some minerals, aminoacids and plants, but that's also not the whole solution.
It can support the start of self-expression, but than this has to be applied practically.
(And the funny part is that there are very little plants that directly support the t.g., and they are not really effective).

In the study of natural and herbal medicine they say the t.g. is related to the creativity of a person.
And that there are woman who only "feel good" when they are in love with someone, than they are "feeling alive". I have been a woman who only feels alive when 'falling in love', and I knew this was not the solution, but I could not find a way to express as self. I found different ways to express as the mind, but that didnot make 'sense' to me as Self. It was only 'working' for a short time, rowling around in the circle of life and bringing me back at the same point.


What is this, this "streaming of creativity" when falling in love? It must be a substitution of the self-expression, of Life, called 'energy'. Not standing alone but standing together, creating energy. The hormonsystem-sexsystem is activated! Feeling alive in seperation but not Being Alive as All as One.

Because of the seperation inside oneself, we try to make this whole again with another person. When two polarities come together they neutralize each other for a while, and this feels as one. But it also shows after sometime, that this is a substitue, that still every person has to stand alone. This is an opportunity to see and stop the polarity in ourself, because the other person reflects us where we are seperated from ourselves.

Creativity I redefine as expression, and put self in front of it. Self-expression.
Self-expression is as the self, creativaty is as the mind.
Applying self-forgiveness will help to make this 'change' (this is not the word but I cannot find the living word for this), from I as mind to I as self.

And than we see that the t.g. is streaming when the self-expression as equal as one is streaming, like Living Water. And when the t.g. is streaming, without the ups and downs of created energy, the whole metabolism is streaming, and the body becomes alive, equal and one as self.
What will happen with the hormonsystem when we become equal and one as self?
There is so much to investigate and redefine.

Expression-1

Reading the article of Osho: Isolation.

I am sleeping 6 hours now and the point of expression is coming op. The pain of the suppression of expression. The feeling of being paralised, paralised by the mind, manifested in particular parts in the body.

In morning I as the mind am so tired that it gives feelings of hurt in the body. Complaints in the body are coming to the surface, the mind is going into resistance. I feel ashamed of  "feeling weak" because the cramping of the large intestine is getting worse. I cannot really breathe and I cannot really poop.

I am working and have studied in the world of natural medicine, I live healthy, I reflect inside myself 'for a long time', I started to walk the process within Desteni, and I am absolutely not 'glowing'!
Glowing is the 'glowing of energy', so that will stop; but I don't have the words and the courage to express this at this moment. So I hide myself.
I am still not sure that I can solve this within myself. I am sure and I am not sure. Polarity which keeps me busy.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must be 'healthy and glowing' because I work with natural medicine for a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to create an ego by investigating various areas of the natural medicine.

I cannot go 'back' to sleep, as the mind will reload and suppress the points again, suppress me as self again. So, I have to walk through, breathe through, and see into this.
Everything inside me is in panic, as the cramping is showing.

What is coming up every morning?

"I don't know what to do with this day. I don't have 'sense' ".
When I look this up into the dictionary there are translations of sense like: 'meaning' (which belongs to the mind), 'soulability' (which belongs to the soul; ability! means no sense as I am not able as a soul).
"I don't have sense", which actually is "it makes no sense".
It didnot make sense because it was all coming from the mind. So it was an illusion. And illusions are not constant, so they don't make sense at all.
In the video's of Desteni this is often used: "make sense".
Do I as Self have to become the Sense of Life? As the Living Word?

Next word: I don't know how. I don't know how to walk through this pain in the body. How is also a word that is misleading, it's a word of the mind. The mind first needs to see how and than it will do it. And if I (as the mind) don't see how, I can never do something. So I am stuck, stuck by the allowing of the mind to do this inside myself.

It's not about the how, it's about the expression. The expression of self in any moment, which is suppressed by the mind, out of fear. The mind suppresses out of fear for feelings of failure, of spite, of disappointment. Fear for 'not knowing how' and for the judgements that may follow on this question. Fear for giving up on the self again following the self-judgements. So I safeguard against this in advance, by asking the question "how". And if there is no answer, I don't know how, than I don't have to do it, I don't have to start. Voila!

But ofcourse this is not working. My whole body get stuck by this suppression and excuses of the mind.

So the solution is to express as self. What is that, to express as self? It's applying self-forgiveness. This is the living example of self-expression, which takes away the selfjudgement, so it takes away the suppression of the selfjudgement of the mind. so it takes away the giving up on self, and for this it takes away the isolation.
No need to hide anymore.
There are tools available now, so the question 'how' is not working anymore.

What I do need is practical assistence. And here it becomes fuzzy. I apply self-forgiveness, but I cannot find the specific points and thoughts to apply this on. That's what makes it fuzzy at the moment. The points seem to be clot together.         

An example of a direct working apply of self-forgiveness: a thought of masturbation was coming up. It was not very urgent, but after thinking about this possability, it was not going away. Actually it was a future-projection. I went on writing but it still was there. Then I applied one self-forgiveness and it went away and stayed away.

Here I could apply self-forgiveness specific and it worked immediately.
With the old structures of the mind manifested in the body, I cannot find the specific words.

So I have to start with what I write in this moment.

I forgive myself that I cannot find the specific words to forgive the structures of the mind which I have manifested in the body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to build up mind-structures in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this mind-structures are real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become fuzzy from the clotting of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions are mine.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to think that I had to 'carry' all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me, because they didnot see what they were doing.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself  that I didnot see what I was doing by carying all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions had something to do with me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become 'so tired' of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I had to sleep at least 9 hours to 'reload' myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel too tired to write out these self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of being tired is real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot even stand on my two feet because of the pain in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become angry to M in almost every conversation we have.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot stop these reactions of angryness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must correct his words instead of stopping the reaction in myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe, that if I donot correct his words and become angry, I disappear, instead of seeing that if I correct him and do not stop the reaction in myself, I as self disappear into the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that if I allow M to speak words as the mind, that I disappear and for that I must correct him, instead of seeing that I must stop allowing myself to believe that the words of the other person are harming me and applying self-forgiveness to my own reactions on his words.