2012 - system-design of Guilt - To sacrifice myself

Why do I believe that I am responsible for the situation of m having no home?
I don't understand why I believe that I have to take care of him finding a place to live, while last year, when we met each other, the situation was the same, he was moving from place to place.
It has something to do with myself. When he cannot find a place to live here in the environment, he has to go to another place more far away combined with work, and because I do not want to live with him in one house, I feel guilty about this when this eventually happens. I could have stopped this while staying together in one house, which I did for a year, and which is not most effective for me and him to stand alone.

Thought:

What if he is not finding a new room?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "What if he is not finding a new room?".

Trigger-point:

m making jokes by asking me where his room is in the new house.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m making jokes by asking where his room is in the new house to the thought "What if he is not finding a new room?".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m making jokes by asking where his room is in the new house as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "What if he is not finding a new room?".

Type of thought:

Fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that he is not finding a new room.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear inside me by participating in the thought "What if he is not finding a new room?".

Emotion:

Guilt

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "What if he is not finding a new room?" to an emotional experience of guilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of guilt.

Why do I connect an emotional experience of guilt to the thought "What if he is not finding a new room?".

I experience an emotion of guilt because I believe that it is my fault that he is not having a room to live in. I believe this because there was a possibility to stay in the big house together, where there is place enough for two person. In this house I am not yet able to stand alone because I make worries all the time about m not being responsible, which has eventually effect on him working outside so on the money he brings in. I cannot control him in this, I can only direct myself in this. And if he is not willing to write and apply self-forgiveness, he is creating his thoughts in reality to see himself in this, and this is what I allow to make myself restless. I can not apply myself in the most effective way with him around me all the time because I let myself distract too much by taking care of him, and I want to take care of myself. Within this I loose myself as it are too much reactions inside at the same time coming forward out of being dependant on a part of his money. I want to proove myself to stand as myself alone, directing myself without making troubles in the system, as making troubles in the system is delaying the process by creating unnecessary rumour. He sees this rumour as normal and no problem, for me it is a problem, it is distracting form self. So living alone is the best option for me, as I can apply myself in this at the most effective way and he can see himself in the situation that he creates himself; within this I can see what my creations are and what his are, so within this I can see myself in the most clear way.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an emotion of guilt when I start applying myself in the most effective way for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to take care of the other person, instead of taking care of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take care of the other person because I am dependent on some money of the other person, and if he is making trouble I believe I am in trouble too, and so I take care of him as this is taking care of myself, instead of seeing that with this care-taking I some kind of protect him from seeing/living his own consequenses, which makes it unable for him to see himself in his created consequense and it makes me blaming him for carrying his consequenses which makes me unable to see myself in my own consequenses by being busy with him, and so within this we both are not able to see ourselves so we can forgive and correct ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to wait till the other person is moving as self so that I can be free, instead of seeing that I can move myself to become free as myself; free from the limited constructions that I allowed and created inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am dependant on the other person to free myself from the limited constructions that I allowed and created inside myself, and within this I blame the other person for creating this limited constructions inside myself, which makes me experience an emotion of guilt about blaming the other person for something that I am responsible for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the guilt I experience is coming forward out of me moving as myself, instead of seeing that the experience of guilt is coming forward out of not moving myself and blaming others for this, and blame gives an experience of guilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty about receiving money for the rent of the house while he is loosing his money all the time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not need the money, instead of seeing that I need all the money at the moment to make myself a living while standing alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to stand alone financial, which is hiding under the layer of an emotional experience of guilt, which I use as an excuse to not stand alone financial.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty/experience an emotion of guilt when m looses his money all the time and for this he has no money, while I take care of the money so I have money, instead of seeing that when he just pay some rent and is carefull with the money he has, he has more than enough to live widely drom, actually more than I have.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty about having enough money while m is loosing his money by not taking care of it because I raised in Holland and he in Polen, and he has is grown up in poverty while I had enough money to live from.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create an emotional experience of guilt because I am raised with enough money and he with too little, instead of seeing that this emotional experience of guilt is making me ineffective to take self-responsibility and stand up for a world in equality with enough money to live for all living beings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to take care of that one person to free myself from the guilt I experience out of not being self-honest by living in self-interest in partivipating in thoughts, emotions and feelings, instead of seeing that taking care of another being in self-dishonesty is keeping me and the other and the world prisoner in the construct of inequality in and as the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to make myself a living standing alone while working for a world that is best for all, and for this I feel guilty about going to live alone as I believe that I need to stay with him to have enough money to support a world that is best for all, instead of seeing that I do not support a world that is best for all by reacting on the other person who I am dependent on for some money as this reactions inside myself is not supporting live, but is keeping the mind-construct/money-construct alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to sacrifice myself for a world that is best for all living beings, to buy myself free from the emotional experience of guilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to buy myself free from an emotional experience of guilt by sacrificing myself to myself as the system that I have become, which I create as a situation that I live in and that I believe that I am not allowed to stop because I make myself dependant on the situation I live in, instead of seeing that I somehow created this situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on the situation I live in, justifying trhis situation as a reason to not stand up as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use a christian program as buying yourself free by sacrificing yourself to the mindsystem we have become as a reason to not stand up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stand for a world that is best for all EXcluded myself by sacrificing myself to the mindsystem=God, instead of seeing that I can only support a world that is best for all if it includes myself as life, as I am the world; only when within and without is the same I am effective as support for a world that is best for all.

Self-corrective statement:

When and as I see myself participate in an experience of guilt when I am moving to another house and m is not yet having a place to stay, I stop, I breathe. I realise tha within this I am a living example of being most effective as a support for/as self to stand alone, and within this a most effective support for others as all life. Within this I can be self-responsible, and if I am self-responsible - responsible as Self as Life - within this I am automatically responsible for others as Self as Life as I am no longer seperated from life as myself as others as all life. I have to be one as Self as Life to stand equal to all Life within this oneness with/as Life. As long as I am seperated from life in/as myself, I am not one and not equal to all life, which is not effective to support a world in oneness and equality.
I do not allow myself to participate in an emotional experience of guilt coming forward out of the sacrificing program that we all learned in a world that is dependent on God/the money-system, as this is not a system that is best for all life. I stop participating in the god-system by stopping to sacryfice myself to this mind/god/money-system that I have become. I stop, I breathe. I take self-responsibility and within this I support myself as others by writing myself to freedom from the structures that I have become myself; by applying self-forgiveness to what I have allowed myself to become and to change myself in practical living, to see myself as life as breath and to be/become a living example of what it is to live as life as breath.

Word:

Joke

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noun

1.something said or done to provoke laughter or cause amusement, as a witticism, a short and amusing anecdote, or a prankish act: He tells very funny jokes. She played a joke on him.

2.something that is amusing or ridiculous, especially because of being ludicrously inadequate or a sham; a thing, situation, or person laughed at rather than taken seriously; farce: Their pretense of generosity is a joke. An officer with no ability to command is a joke.

3.a matter that need not be taken very seriously; trifling matter: The loss was no joke.

4.something that does not present the expected challenge; something very easy: The test was a joke for the whole class.

5.practical joke.:

noun 

a playful trick, often involving some physical agent or means, in which the victim is placed in an embarrassing or disadvantageous position.

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I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience a joke of m as an entrapment, as provoking me to take responsibility for the joke that the other person has become, and by reacting on this I confirm this as I do not be self-responible in this through reacting in/as the mind, an within this I give the example of not being self-responsible.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trap in the other persons mind-trap by believing that I have to explain the other person what he is doing, which is trapping me in my own mind-trap of trying to change the other person by trying to change the other person, instead of seeing that I can only change myself by stopping my reactions on the mind-trap of another person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the mind-trap of the other person can harm me, and for this I start protecting me with justifications and explanations, in which I make myself responsible for the mind of myself and of the other person, instead of being self-responsible by stopping the reactions in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see why I believe that the joke of the other person can harm me, instead of seeing that I believe that it can harm me as long as I make myself dependent from the other person in/as the mind, and money is a reason to make myself dependent on the other person.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that money is a justified reason to make myself dependent on the other person, instead of seeing that it is only a reason in the reality that we live in in a world created in/as the mind as the money-system.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how everything is dependent on each other in/as the mind through money, which is really making a joke of ourselves as who we have allowed to become: a money-system, gold-diggers, exactly the way Anu created us.

Positive/negative charge:

negative, as I do not like what I have allowed to become and I do not like to see this self-responsibility of what we have allowed to become being pushed off by making jokes as long as I am not sure that the other person is seeing that the joke is always about self.

New defenition:

To see ourselves as the system that we have become with all the nonsense that we have allowed to become in this, which is not real as who we are as Life, but a practical application of total manipulation without anyone seeing this happening; the one who makes the joke is speaking as this system of manipulation that he/she has become, all or not aware that it is all about what self has allowed and accepted to become.

2012 - System-design of Giving Up

I am giving up before I have already started. I notice this in one specific area in my life, on the area of relationships, and with relationships I mean a relation between man and woman (in my case). The so called 'love-relation'. I see for a long time that I want an agreement with a person, meaning standing alone together. Actually, I don't know what it is to stand alone, and thus I start immediately with the together or I don't start at all. Out of fear that the other person walks away or I walk away within the process of 'getting to know each other', which of course is getting to know ourselves, I want to go immediately to the end. While I write this I notice this is future-projection instead of giving up, although the giving up is also present. I give up to walk the process to get to know each other as myself before I even start the process and go immediately to the end, and within this fear I make a future projection to keep myself safe in this projection. In which of course I disappoint myself because I cannot fulfill my own projection and neather can the other person.

Why do I give up to walk the process to get to know myself as the other, the other as myself?
Because I do not see how we can come through this process. And I confirmed this many times by starting a relationship and breaking up (by me or the other) before we even tried to find out how to walk the process with another as myself and within this with/as myself in the first place.

Thought:

I will never make it till the end.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I will never make it till the end".

Trigger-point:

M moving out the house to disconnect our symbiotic behaviour on my request.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect M moving out the house to disconnect our symbiotic behaviour on my request to the thought "I will never make it till the end".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist M moving out the house to disconnect our symbiotic behaviour on my request as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I will never make it till the end".

Type of thought:

Doubt coming forward out of fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself coming forward out of fear by participating in the thought "I will never make it till the end".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist doubt coming forward out of fear inside myself by participating in the thought "I will never make it till the end".

Emotions:

Sadness
Quilt

 I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I will never make it till the end" to an emotional experience of sadness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of sadness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I will never make it till the end" to an emotional experience of guilt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of quilt.

 Why do I connect an emotional experience of sadness and quilt to the thought "I will never make it till the end"?

I believe I hurted m within this request to leave, and because I hurted him he is pulling back, and not 'available' anymore for me, he is out of my reach, which is what is necessary but at the same time is really scaring me. I see myself grabbing around in the mind, finding reasons to call him, sms him, seemable not able to stop this behaviour, which is not real of course. When he was in the house I was only busy with my resistance and protecting myself against him 'disturbing' me, so I was not able to see my own dependency. I only got angry at what I saw as his dependency. I knew it is a mirror but I could not stop the resistance to really start seeing inside myself, I only saw that he was totally refusing to see inside self, which kept me busy with him.

At the moment I am scared, scared that he will walk away, that he will destroy himself and go back living on the street. Scared because I really don't know how to walk this. I cannot see further than one day by one day.

I feel quilty that I am not able to live together with him at the moment, and he has to go back to a living situation where he started, with other polish people in one house, where they are drinking a lot of alcohol and projecting everything on each other.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself responsible for the living of m before we met because when we met I was not able to stand up as myself and walk a process in self-honesty, and for that I have to do it now, which brings m and me both to our weak point, our breaking- point, which if I don't do this, will influence every moment of our living together because we live this in fear for this breaking-point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that m is not able to stand up out of falling in his breaking point, the point that I see from the beginning and the point that I did not want to face out of fear that he is leaving in falling.I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that m is leaving me in his falling, which explains why I fear that he will pull me down in his falling, which is not true I see now, I keep standing, but still fearing to be 'left alone', so still fearing to 'fall into loneliness', the reason why I never walked this point, out of fear that the other person is not able to stand up and stand with me in equality, and for this I give up before I start by going immediately to the finish, actually trying to pass over this point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to pass over the breaking-point out of fear to be left alone, and within this I do not allow and accept myself to establish self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to establish self-trust by passing over the breaking-point within me, out of fear to be left alone because I donot believe that the other person stands up from within his fall.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still fear to be left alone when I am standing alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a lot of sadness and whining coming forward out of fear to be left alone and for this, I do not stand up as myself and keep on whining because I am not living the potential that I know I am able to.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to live as me as the potential that I am able to, and for this I fall in sadness and whining and loneliness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fall into loneliness, which I see now is coming forward out of leaving myself alone by not allowing and accepting myself to live as me Al(l)one as the potential I am able to.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't like m who is not living as the potential he is able to, instead of seeing that I don't like me not living as the potential I am able to, projecting this on m.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to realise that if I do not allow myself to live as my full potential, I do not allow m to live as his full potential, because everytime he will try this I will pull him down, scared to be left behind in my own judgement, and he will do the same to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to to fear myself to give in again to the easy way of committing ourselves to living in fear in/as the mind, stiffling each other in this cramped embracement, not to each other but to the house I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make the house I live in the reason for not standing up as ourselves in our full potential.

When I see myself participating in the tendence of giving in to the easy way by 'helping' m by solving things for him in a way that does not serve myself as himself I stop, I breathe. I see in myself if what I am doing is really a support for both of us or if it is a way to run back to the old reliable way of living. I do not give into fear of being left alone and I do not give into an emotional experience of quilt when m is having a difficult time standing up in his situation.
I realize that he can only establish self-trust if he stand up as/by himself, and for me this is the same; I need to keep standing up in my full potential, undependent of the man being with me or not, undependent on what the man is doing/how he is living. This is the only 'way' to establish self-trust within me, and only within self-trust I can stand as myself for a world in equality; and only within self-trust I can walk as myself with a man.
Within this I keep seeing with common sense if it's still reasonable what I am doing, if it's practical possible what I am asking.
I realize that it's not the house that keeps us standing, it is me directing me which keeps me standing, and within this I am an example for m by keep on standing on my own feet, open for communication and support but not willing to do the work for him. I realize that, although I believed that the house is what is keeping m and me here, this is not real. It is me keeping me Here, standing Alone for oneness and equality, not running away to another man but being present, seeing if m is standing with me. I realize that if he is falling, we human beings all have to wait. I cannot allow myself to not give all my effort to support him in standing up, and within this I am standing up as myself.

If I see myself participating in an emotional experience of loneliness I stop, I breathe. I realize that I feel lonely because somewhere I give in to compromising myself by not living in/as the full potential that I am able to, and within this I leave myself which gives an experience of loneliness. I stop, I breathe. I see in myself where I leave myself and I apply self-forgiveness on it. I do not allow myself to fall into loneliness, no matter what happens around me, no matter what m is doing or not doing. I embrace myself and realize that one by one, people will stand up, standing with me. There is no choice, not for me, not for m, not for anybody.
I realize that I created the experiences of loneliness within myself as an illusion. These experiences does not mean that m is leaving me; actually it does not say anything about m but everything about me. It is my created experience so I can stop this within/as myself. I do not allow myself to project my experience of loneliness on the situation with m; I realize that it are emotions coming forward out of past situations, and at the moment they are coming up so I can stop them and forgive myself for allowing and accepting the participation within these emotions of sadness coming forward out of loneliness, coming forward out of leaving myself. I do not allow myself to leave myself again by participating in these experiences of loneliness again.

If I see myself grabbing around in/as my mind, searching for a way to find out what m will do in future, searching for a way to force him to stand up, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am completely enslaved to having a relation in/as the mind with a man/with m. This is what I have to face inside myself. This enslavement leads to giving up if I don't stop myself, because it keeps me enslaved in/as the mind to another person which makes me dependent on the other person, and the mind will always give up/give in at some point when the other person is not 'doing what I want'.
I realize that I tried everything to stand as myself by stopping my reactions on him not standing as himself, and I am not yet able to stop myself reacting. Which is an indication that I am not standing alone. If I stand alone I do not react on m not standing alone. So I stop my reactions towards him as asking him to stand up by himself and than come to me, which actually means that I ask him to what I have to do myself, stand up by myself and then eventually walk together.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know if I am making a mistake by asking m to stand up by himself and than come to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared that he will never come to me, and that I spoiled an opportunity to walk together in patience instead of hunting him and me to stand up as ourselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame him and me for not standing alone yet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to stand up alone while he is physical with me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so sad that I am not yet able to stand up as myself while he is physical with me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so enslaved to a relation in/as the mind with a man that I am not able to be in physical present with a man while I am standing up as myself. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself that I am not able to stand up as myself while m is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I wasted a great chance to live together, instead of realizing that I tried this for a year, and that we need a change if we really want to stand alone together.

I realize that I am sad because I am scared that he is not coming to me, that he is not able to stand up as himself, which indicates that I am scared that I am not able to stand up as myself. In the moment it is ok, so the fear is coming forward out of future-projection.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to stop this future-projection because I want to know how things end before I can stay in trust, instead of seeing that there is no garantee, I do not know how things end because I have to walk in self-trust to give myself direction, and within this it becomes clear how things go. I cannot know how things end as this is not important; this is the mind, being busy with ending because the mind knows that he will end someday, projected on the process that I walk with m.

http://eqafe.com/i/ischaefer-reptilians-the-promise-of-eternal-life-part-13

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience this uncertainty as not knowing if m is coming to me or not, as the most horrorfying situation that I have been through.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to repeat this situation again because I didnot stand up in it before.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience this relationship-issues as the most horrorfying situation that I have been through, while a large part of the world is suffering without even having food and water.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to see how much enslaved I am in/as the mind to a relationship with a man/m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to direct myself in this, which I also see reflected in m, not knowing how to direct himself standing up in his situation, and because I do also not know how to direct myself alone, I ask him to stand up quickly so we can direct ourselves together. I do it again, wanting to stand up together instead of standing up alone.

When and as I see myself participating in this horrorfying experience inside myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that I experience this emotional giving up as real, but with common sense I know it is not real. So I breathe. I transfer this giving up in an emotional whining into 'giving up' from trying to grasp to this relationship with m in/as the mind that I created, which is actually a relation as the mind to keep myself as mind alive. I transfer this giving up into forgiving myself for what I have accepted and allowed to become.
Within this I realize that these emotions are not saying anything about what m is doing or not doing, and I do not have any influence on this by pushing him to stand up. I spoke clearly to him that I am Here if he wants to walk with me. I can only stand as/for myself in the decision of who I am. If I do not make this decision for myself, than who am I asking m to stand with? Than I still ask him to keep me standing instead of standing with me.

I realize that it is possible to stand up alone while m is physical around. Standing up means stopping reactions inside myself on m, and within this I can stand up. As long as I try to 'stand up' as a movement to stand up, I try to stand up in/as the mind, which will lead to falling down again.

I commit myself to stop my reactions in/as the mind on m while he is physical around. I realize that living together is one step too far at the moment, so this I/we will change. This does not mean that I cannot stop my reactions on him while we are (still living) together. Every possibility to stop my reactions inside myself is a possibility to become one breath more alive. I commit myself to utilize every option for stopping my reactions in/as the mind on m or another person. When I 'fail' in this, I apply s.f. and go on with this process of stopping my reactions. Within this I become alive breath by breath.

I commit myself to stand as myself by stopping all (possibilities for) relationships in/as the mind, including the relationship with m. I realize that the best option/most effective option for me to stand alone is in living alone, and this is what I am going to do. I move to another small house that I can finance myself. I support m in finding a place for himself. Within this we can establish self-trust within ourselves, standing alone with support of each other, taking care of ourselves. This standing alone will be a base from where we can see what is possible for walking alone together.

I commit myself to walk myself alive by writing everyday to see what I have allowed and accepted to become; only if I see myself I can stop myself from being energetic enslaved to the mind as the other.

Word:

End

Defenition:

verb (used with object)

23.to bring to an end or conclusion: We ended the discussion on a note of optimism.

24.to put an end to; terminate: This was the battle that ended the war.

25.to form the end of: This passage ends the novel.

26.to cause the demise of; kill: A bullet through the heart ended him.

27.to constitute the most outstanding or greatest possible example or instance of (usually used in the infinitive): You just committed the blunder to end all blunders.

(As a noun it means end like the end of the street).

Origin:
O.E. ende, from P.Gmc. *andja (cf. O.Fris. enda, O.N. endir, O.H.G. enti), originally "the opposite side," from PIE *antjo "end, boundary," from base anta-/*anti- "opposite, in front of, before" (see ante). Original sense of "outermost part" is obsolete except in phrase ends
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nr 27 is discribing why I believe I will never make it till the end, as the end is something that I see as the most oustanding or greatest possible example of what I/we as human race can be(come), and I as the mind can not imagine this is possible, and for this I want to give up before I even start, to not become disappointed when I am not able to.

The origine gives it as anti-opposite; within this it's a word that has it's origine in polarity.
Boundery.
it is like this word descrives the mind: boundery, anti, the opposite side.
So I believe I will never make it till the end as Mind. Which is true, I will not make it as Mind.

Positive/negative charge:

Negative, as dying, as a total end of the world.
Positive, as a relieve as I am released/rescued from this large self-responsibility of what I have accepted and allowed to become, another reason to use for giving up, as in this I believe that I am released/rescued when I do nothing and give up, which is not real of course.
Ik forgive myself that I have aloowed and accepted myself to believe that I am released/rescued from my self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to become, instead of seeing that I am not released of this until I stand up as self-responsible person.

New Defenition:

The end of the mind is the start of Living, so the end is a start where in the mind is solved/absorbed in totality within Life as Breath as the Solution of Humanity.

2012 - System-design of Inspiration

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the experience of relief as a measure for yes or no living with m.

This I wrote in the last blog about the system-design of peace.
Within this I saw that I am always searching for some relief after searching in myself for an answer. If I 'see the point', there is some relief, and this relief I use as a confirmation that I did the right thing. Within this I belief that there is right and wrong. And this searching in myself for answers becomes an addiction if I do it for the need of this experience of relief. If I don't have this experience of relief, I do not know if I am doing the 'right' thing. Actually I am searching for confirmation of myself within this feeling of relief; this is searching for confirmation for my existence by God, The White Light, The Mind as Inspiration.

Thought:
"If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an aswer I do not know if I am right or wrong".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong".

Trigger-point:
Not being able to make a decision in/as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect not being able to make a decission in/as the mind to the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let not being able to make a decission in/as the mind exist as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong".

Type of thought:
Doubt

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself by participating in the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist doubt inside myself by participating in the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong".

Emotions / Feelings:
Panic (if not confirmed)
Relief (if confirmed)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong" to an emotional experience of panic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of panic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong" to a feeling of relief.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in a feeling of relief.

Why do I connect an emotion of panic or a feeling of relief to the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an answer I do not know if I am right or wrong"?

I believe that I need an affirmation as a feeling of doing the right thing. This indicates that I still believe that I can be right or wrong and that I have to choose between these two options. Right and wrong only exists in the mind. 
If I experience a feeling of relief, I believe that I am right, that I am doing the right thing, that I choose right. Within this I do not need to die (as the mind) because I am right, I am confirmed as life (as the mind) by rightness. This belief that I do not need to die (as the mind) gives a feeling of relief.
If I experience an emotion of panic, I believe that I don't see what the right thing is to do; and this is giving an emotion of panic. Not being confirmed, and within this only me myself who can direct myself. As long as I am living in the mind this directing is difficult, because in the mind there are always two options out of polarity, which is bringing forward a neccesarity to choose. The only real direction is to stop this polarity, which brings to oneness with self, and within this only one direction is left: as Self, as Life.
The stopping of the mind gives the emotional experience of panic because the mind will die in this, and because I believe that I am the mind I experience panic.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can remain living in and as the mind if I experience this feeling of relief coming forward out of an affirmation in/as the mind as 'being right'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to be right to stay alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I die if I am wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to prefer the two options in and as the mind, which is always giving friction, to stay alive above being alive one and equal as myself, which gives only one direction to live as Life as Self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to prefer friction above oneness and equality out of fear of dying in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience panic when I believe that I am going to die in and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am going to die when the polarity as myself in/as the mind stops, instead of seeing that I have never been really alive as Life, so how can I die if I am not really alive?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to feel quilty, coming forward out of a belief that I can be right or wrong, and if I am wrong I feel quilty and if I am right I feel relief because I believe that I am not quilty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stay quilty to keep myself as the mind alive, in which I keep myself away from self-responsibility; if I am quilty there is nothing I can do, because I am quilty and already committed to the mind in quiltness, so not able to be responsible as Self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there is nothing I can do if/because I believe that I am quilty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hold on to the polarity of right and wrong and within this take all the quilt on my shoulders out of fear that if I am not confirmed in as the mind by God/The White Light/The Mind/The Man/Mama as The One, The One will leave me, and if The One leaves me I believe that I will die.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from God/The White Light/The Mind/The Man/Mama as The One, instead of being One with/as mySelf as Life, and within this I am equal as God/The White Light/The Mind/The Man/Mama as The One as Self as Life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use The One as God/The White Light/The Mind/The Man/Mama for Inspiration - in positive or negative way - to feel alive, instead of seeing that I as Self am equal and one as Inspiration, as Life itself is inspiring everything equally as Breath.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to affirm myself to be alive in/as the mind to take all the quilt on my shoulders instead of forgiving myself the feelings of quilt and within this taking responsibility for/as Self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop speeking words, as myself or as the mind? out of fear that The One will leave me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop my expression as who I am in any moment, which gives another seperation in/as the mind from myself in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that who speaks the words is responsible, so without speaking words I am not responsible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not responsible without speaking words, instead of seeing that I am always responsible for what I speak and for what I have allowed and accepted to let exist inside myself as the world as thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to see that I am responsible for what exists inside myself as as the world as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions, I stop, I breathe. I realize that within participating inside myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions I allow the world to exist as it is in polarity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow the world to exist as it is in polarity by participating inside myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I do not allow myself to allow this world to exist as it is in polarity by participating inside myself in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I see myself searching for an answer inside myself I stop, I breathe. I realize that as long as I am searching for an answer inside myself I am participating in/as the mind in polarity, and polarity needs an answer to stay alive, otherwise it is no polarity anymore. And so is the mind, it needs an answer as right or wrong to stay alive, otherwise it is not alive anymore.
I realize that within this searching for an answer in polarity - which is actually a searching for confirmation of myself as the mind of being alive - I will not find a real answer as myself as what is best for all. It will only keep me enslaved in/as the mind by giving a feeling of relief when I believe I am right or by keeping on searching for the right answer when I believe that I am wrong.
I do not allow myself to keep myself enslaved to the mind by searching for an answer to give me a feeling of relief when I believe that I am right.
I do not allow myself to keep myself enslaved to the mind by searching for the right answer in as the mind when I believe that I am wrong.

When and as I see myself longing for a feeling of relief by searching for an answer in/as the mind, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I do not need a feeling of relief to affirm myself in as the mind as being alive, because I become one breath more alive by stopping my feelings so by stopping this longing for a feeling of relief. This longing for a feeling of relief will keep me connected to the thought "If I do not have an experience of relief inside myself after searching for an aswer I do not know if I am right or wrong". And this connection to this thought will keep me in polarity, and withion polarity I will always keep on searching for an answer untill I have the 'right answer', to affirm myself as being right by The one as The Mind to experience this feeling of relief. Within this I keep myself enslaved in the circle of death as the mind, biting in my own tail.
I do not allow myself to keep myself alive as the mind in the circle of death.
I stop, I breathe. Within stopping participating in this searching for an answer in/as the mind to affirm myself as being alive, I become alive; breath by breath, each time I stop participating inside myself within a thought, feeling or emotion.

Word:
Relief

noun

1.alleviation, ease, or deliverance through the removal of pain, distress, oppression, etc.

2.a means or thing that relieves pain, distress, anxiety, etc.

3.money, food, or other help given to those in poverty or need.

4.something affording a pleasing change, as from monotony.

5.release from a post of duty, as by the arrival of a substitute or replacement.

No 4 is funny, something affording a pleasing change, as from monotony. 

So the mind needs a change from monotony of repeating itself over and over again, and for this we create a feeling of releif.

Synonyms
1. mitigation, assuagement, comfort. 3.  succor, aid, redress, remedy.

Related forms

re·lief·less, adjective

Synonyms
1. mitigation, assuagement, comfort. 3.  succor, aid, redress, remedy.

Antonyms
1.  intensification.

Word Origin & History

relief

"ease, alleviation," early 14c., from Anglo-Fr. relif, from O.Fr. relief "assistance," lit. "a raising, that which is lifted," from stressed stem of relever (see relieve). Meaning "aid to impoverished persons" is attested from c.1400; that of "deliverance of a besieged town" is from 1540s.

Positive/negative charge:

Positive, as it gives me a break of struggling with the believe in being quilty.

"Oh yeah, I do it right this time; I am not quilty".

New defenition:
Letting go of the limitations of the mind by applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements to become able to live in breath.

2012 - system-design of Peace

I feel unsatisfied, ontevreden, not peacefull about the situation I live in.
Vrede (peace) - Ontevreden (unsatisfied).

I believe that peace is dependant of the situation that I live in.
I experience it as unsafe in the house because I am living together with someone who is not self-honest as seeing that his words are about himself, so I got the projections. We all do that, it's nothing new. I also do it to him.
I experience this as being attacked in the house I live in. There is a war going on, there is no peace in the house. Actually it's war, than a little peace, than war, than a little peace. War to create/experience peace? Or actually searching for peace which activates the opposite as war. Which is not constant. The only constant state of peace is silence within myself by stopping the reactions inside myself, by stopping the war inside myself and so the reflections of the war inside myself will stop.
Before I was living alone to find peace while being in the house. Which leads to isolation without the possibility to sort things out within myself, as I do not see my inner war reflected, I only experienced it inside my body as a cramping intestine, the war inside myself, attacking myself.
I am searching for this peace in the house, which is no longer possible. Everytime there is a little 'peace', the next attack is coming, from outside, which gives reactions inside. No silence inside as long as I have reactions, so no real 'peace' if we can still call it that way. I do not accept or allow any excuses anymore, not from myself, not from the other, so no peace of acceptances as things as they are. As long as I have reactions on this, there is no silence inside, which is the only 'real peace' that we can become one and equal as: Silence as one and equal as breath without any reactions as thougts, emotions and feelings. A long way to go.

Thought:
I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to "need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Trigger-point:
M asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive to the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive as a trigger-point within me which triggers the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Type of thought:
Need
Belief
Fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist need inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist belief inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear not having a safe place to stay when there is no peace inside the house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Emotion:
Sadness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay" to an emotion of sadness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of sadness.

Why do I connect an emotion of sadness to the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay"?

I feel sad because I don't feel comfortable inside the house anymore. I live in constant fear of being attacked with projections of the mind of m.
I feel sad because I feel unsatisfied about the situation I live in, living with a man who is not able to start being self-honest as he doesnot know what the mind is and I do not have the words translated to speak about it. So the only option is that I take everything back to self and experience the dishonesty and unequality of projections of other people in/as the mind, and my own dishonest reaction to it as if it hurts me.
I feel sad because I was appearantly not able to direct myself into a situation to create a safe environment for myself by living with someone who is seeing into self or otherwise by standing alone and living alone.
I feel sad because I am living with a person that I don't want to live with, and within this I have to give up all desires for a relationship with someone I want to live with.
I feel sad because I do not believe that I am ever able to stand up as myself and feel comfortable with someone around me who is not seeing inside self or even with someone who is seeing inside self.
I feel sad because I see inside myself that I am not able to be comfortable within myself with anybody around; I live in constant fear of being seen or being attacked.
I feel sad because I live the consequence of having sex with a person out of loneliness.
I feel sad because I am not able to stand as myself and live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe which activate the fear inside myself for not being able to speak as myself, to direct myself as self and to have enough money to support myself to live a life alone, supporting myself and others to stand up in this.
I feel sad because I do not experience myself as enough support to live in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel sad because I don't feel comfortable in the house I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not feel comfortable in the house I live in because I live in fear of being attacked by the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the projections of m to fear, and thus I forgive that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the projections of m can harm me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own reactions on the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my reactions on the projections of m are real and for this, I experience pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience pain because I believe that my reactions on the projections of m are real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to know that m is not seeing into self which is not the same as seeing it and bringing this knowing into parctical living by saying, no till here no further, I do not allow myself anymore to live in an abusive situation with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need to go through this, that I need to be able to live with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to move to another house because I made an appointment with m of starting living here together in the house for at least a year.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to carry consequenses if I move to another house now because I do not know if this is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience this situation I live in absolutely as not best for all as I experience it as horrible and abusive of myself and maybe of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to regret to stay here in the house together with m, believing that it was the ´right decision´.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there exists a right decision.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to see that there is only one option that is best for all, because this one option that is best for all I experience as horrible which is not an experience of what is best for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the horrible experience of living in the house with m is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by this living together as what is best for all which makes it hard to believe that this is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by myself, doing what is best for all created in-as the mind, without taking into consideration that really living it is a complete different story.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live consequenses of a created best for all in/as the mind, which is honest but not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am self-honest and m not, instead of seeing that I am also not self-honest by living with m in the house out of a mind-idea.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not experience myself as enough support to live in each sitiation I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not experience myself as enough.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to stand alone as myself in a world that I experience as unsafe because people are not seeing into self, instead of seeing into myself and find out that the words they speak cannot harm me directly as this words are about themselves and my words are about me, so unly my words can really harm myself and this within this the world when they are not spoken in self-honesty by separating myself from self as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am unable to live together with a pertson who is or is not seeing inside self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am unable to live with myself when seeing myself reflected in a person who is seeing or not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so very stupid of starting living in the house with m while I knew that he is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as being stupid of starting living in the house with m, instead of seeing that in every moment of decisison I decided that it was in that moment the best to do to give it a chance to investigate living together.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself to be with someone who is not seeing into self, and to not allow myself in this to be just satisfied with the situation as it is, which is a starting point from where things can change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not allow myself to change by not accepting the situation as its is in the moment; within this I fight with myself about the situation instead of changing myself in a way that is supportive for myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fight with myself about the situation I live in which prevent me from changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the situation I live in as a backdoor to not need to change as myself.I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself tosee it as a crime to start living with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself tosee it as a crime to live with myself while I am not seeing into self in totality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to admit to myself that I am so very tired of living alone, running away and trying to be perfect.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that m is not good enough for me to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can have better than m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see myself as better than m, in which I seperate myself from m and from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see the man I live with as a measure of what I am capable of, and living with m is disappointing me as I thought that I would never live with a man like m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what is wrong with a man like m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live with a man that I am not sure of that I want to live with, and that is something that I promised to myself, that I would never live with a man that I am not 100% sure of, so in this I break my promise to myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the promise I made to myself of not living with someone that I am not sure of is reality, instead of seeing that I made this promise in and as the mind, which cannot be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself in and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior because I betrayed myself in and as the mind by starting to live with someone I am not 100% sure of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior because I started living with someone I am not 100% sure of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a promis is real, instead of seeing that a promise is always made in and as the mind to give an experience of safety in an unsafe world which living in and as the mind is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to partly live with m because practical it is more easy as he is physical stronger than I am and capable to do heavy practical things.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for using this practical reason as a reason to live with m in the same house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel weak by experiencing that I am not able to do all practical things in the house by myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to promise myself that I will never use other reasons to be with a man than.....yeah than what? What was always my startingpoint of living with a man?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use feelings for the man as a startingpoint of living with a man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make a promise to myself that I will never live with a man who's smell I don't like in any moment and who is snoring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience disgust towards myself for living with a man who is snoring and who's smell I don't like in any moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to live with a man who is snoring and who is not always smelling nice but with who it is practical possible to live with.


I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to do something with the man and for that I need to like his smell always and for that he must not snore, instead of seeing that I am living here with m to walk my process towards myself by bringing all points back to self that I seperated myself from.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my reaction on a person who is not always smelling nice.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my reactions on a person who is snoring or from my reactions on the sound of snoring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seek for an experience of relief after writing this s.f. which is not coming.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the experience of relief as a measure of yes or no living with m. (verder blog 2).

 I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not yet be able to feel comfortable with somebody around me because I live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen by myself, when I see myself reflected in other people around me, seeing myself being not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of seeing myself, not being self-honest, and for this attacking myse;f for not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel sad because I believe I am not able to stand and live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe which activate the fear inside myself for not being able to speak as myself, to direct myself as self and to have enough money to support myself to live a life alone, supporting myself and others to stand up in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to stand and a live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience the world and most people as unsafe, which I use as an excuse to not stand up and live the life that I want.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist the experience of the world and most people as unsafe as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the fear of living the live that I want, supporting myself and others to stand up as self and directing self to live a life alone and to have enough money to be able to live a life alone as what is best for all, as a living example.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to not have enough money to support myself to live alone in/as (a) life that I want as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loneliness so much which makes me hesitating to stand up and live the life that I want as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear of loneliness within me as an excuse to not stand up as self and live a life alone as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that me living alone is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that living with m is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the question what is best for all as an excuse to stay busy with this question and possible option of leaving or not leaving, which is an excuse to not change as myself in the situation I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to change the situation instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create an outerly safe environment as the house is 'against the world', which is not safe inside by living together in a situation that we both do not want.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel not safe inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from being safe inside myself as myself which has the consequence that I have to find peace outside myself in the environment or another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid of standing alone in the world which I experience as unsafe.

Corrective actions:
I took action by speaking to m about the situation and brought forward what is really going on inside myself about our communication. As an answer to this he did the same, he spoke honestly about his experience of communicating in the house with me. We came to the conclusion that we do both not want to live together in this way because we want to communicate completely different. He spoke honestly about his 'opinion' about desteni and my participation in it, and about me as a living example, which I have not been as myself as became very clear in his words (which I already experienced of course). He doesnot want to participate within desteni when he sees my behaviour, and he thinks it will never be possible to bring this in the world.
To me became very clear that this is what I experienced the whole year, that he is not seeing what I am speaking about and that he is not seeing into himself. This is what is making me reacting which makes me not a living example of who I am as life.

One thing I experience directly after m honestly speaking about me and desteni is:
 peace, silence.
I immediately thought that it is not possible to live in one house anymore.
For a week I investigated the possibility to both go live alone again. All the fears, of lonelyness, having not enough money,'not 'finding' another man. I wrote out the whole concept of living alone for myself, how it will be better for both of us, how this will force both of us to finally see ourselves, to stand up as ourselves. No silence anymore, it became busy again, coming forward out of having doubts about what to do.

When and as I see myself having doubts again about making the right decission, I stop,I breathe. I realise that we are already walking this point and the outcome will become clear. I realise that it's necessary to first walk the mind before I am able to stand as self as life, stable in a situation as what I am living in now. Only by walking the mind first I can become one and equal as myself including the mind. I can not skip this part as this is seperating myself from (this part of) the mind as myself, believing that I am already constant as myself. Within this believing I create backchat and secret mind thoughts, coming forward out of blame of every point inside myself that I expose which is not yet constant as myself. This is sabotaging and abusing myself, m and the situation.
This walking together with m in the house is making me able to become stable in and as myself; It is not realistic to expect myself to be stable while walking the process, as walking the process itself is what I am becoming stable in as myself, step by step, breath by breath.

I realize that I am creating doubts again because I am so fucking scared to stand alone in this world, walking into the focus of the mind, where the mind as an illusion burns itself down by becoming one and equal to it; as what is best for all. I am scared that I will follow this way of the mind and loose everything for nothing.

This morning, after writing the whole solution of living alone as the best option, I wrote very small and I asked myself: Why isn't this living possible with m in the house? And there came no answer. Isn't this because of z, the other man? Silence. Isn't this because I want one more time an experience, of having another house, seeing z one more time, starting something with a man participating within desteni; just the 'one more time' experience? Silence.
First time, finally silence. No answers of the mind. It reminded me of the tekst about Bernard who asked the White Light: Why didn't you create a world that is best for All? And there was no answer. The White Light disappeared.

First time no answer of the mind.
And this is what I am going to walk. I write him in here officially. I still am first renter, if I decide it will stop than it stops. That's how it is, that are the rules of the house-corporation. I told m I don't want him to go; and when he will stay, this is how it is, I cannot give him more 'rights' about the house.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to be a living example as myself to m as I wanted to be, which makes him doubting what I within desteni am standing as; which makes him not wanting to live and participate within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty about being a bad living example of what I within desteni am standing as, which makes me a bad living example of the destenigroup.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am a bad living example as myself and as the destenigroup instead of seeing that m doesnot want to face himself, which he projects on me participating within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself responsible for the reason why m doesnot want to work with the tools of desteni by believing that I am na bad living example, instead of seeing that m has his own excuses to not yet want to participate actively by seeing into self. He has his own reasons that only make sense for him; I cannot see into this and I cannot change this.

I have to accept that m is not participating within desteni, and I am. I stop pushing him, I push myself. I stop my reactions on him and take it back to self when he is speaking from this point of self-dishonesty. Within this I learn to stand in this without reactions. It is exactly as the situation I grew up in. Now I am seeing what is going on, I am able to stop my reactions as I understand that I no longer need to doubt myself because I cannot believe what the other person (mama, m) is saying.
When and as I see myself participating in pushing m, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am pushing m in something that I have to apply for myself. I use writing to see what I project on m what I need to apply myself 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start doubting myself because I cannot believe the self-dishonesty of mama, and because I cannot believe this, it must be true, and within this 'decission' that she must be true/right, fearing of loosing her, I doubt myself; I loose self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself by believing the dishonesty of mama.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start reacting on m when he is speaking in self-dishonesty because I am scared to loose myself in reactions which is also self-dishonest, which is coming forward out of old pain of believing mama and loosing my self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do exactly the same as what I am scared of when I react on the self-dishonesty of m; I leave myself in this reactions/dishonesty by believing that I have to explain him that he is self-dishonest at the moment, and within this explaining I give myself away to the mind, believing again that the mind is true/real and I am not, which makes me so angry.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stop m speaking self-dishonest by trying to explain him that he is self-dishonest, which makes myself self-dishonest at the moment, instead of seeing that I have to stop my own reactions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become the opposite of a living example as myself by trying to explain to m that he is not self-honest because at that moment within this reaction I am not self-honest myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame m of being not self-honest and seeing in his words that he believes that he is honest, not knowing what self-honesty is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe myself that I am self-honest by being honest, not knowing what self-honesty is because I do not know what self is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know what self is.
I as the mind do not want to live with m, and I as the mind am blaming myself and m for staying in this situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself and m for staying in this situation which becomes an excuse to sabotage the situation.

Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself participating in blame, abuse and sabotage I stop, I breathe. I realize that, no matter if I do or do not want to live in this situation with m, I will not apply blame, abuse and sabotage towards life, not in any situation. This has nothing to do with the situation I live in and this has everything to do with treating your neighbour as you want to be treated yourself.

The point of selfresponsibility is the point that I face everywhere around me in the world at the moment. No-one wants to take things back to self, wants even to see inside self and take this possibility, that all the words we speak are about self, in consideration.
I am the one who is doing this at the moment, supported in a group that is working together in this under the name Desteni.

When and as I see myself participating in a reaction on m, being perplexed when he is speaking or behaving in dishonesty, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to react on m. I realize that I have to face something inside myself in this reaction on him, and I have to stop this reaction inside myself. I breathe and stop talking. I say to m, I cannot speak right now, maybe later, and I walk away. I do not allow myself to stay and start blaming m for a point that is coming up inside myself. When I am alone, I start writing to see what is going on inside myself, why I am reacting on m being self-dishonest and apply s.f. on this.

Most of time I want something from him, and when he is speaking self-dishonest, it is not possible to get this from him and I have to do it myself. This is standing alone. And because I fear this, I want him to do what I fear so that I do not need to really stand alone. This is what is making me reacting and this is what is making me wanting another man, which makes me unsatisfied with living with m in the house. In each situation I have to see and write out what specific reaction is going on.
This is a first step to stop my reactions inside myself.

Word:
Safe

Defenition:
adjective
1. secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk: a safe place.
2. free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk: to arrive safe and sound.
3. involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.: a safe estimate.
4. dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5. careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.

Origin:

1250–1300; (adj.) Middle English sauf, saf < Anglo-French saf, Old French sauf < Latin salvus intact, whole; (noun) late Middle English save, orig. derivative of save1 , assimilated to the adj.; compare salvation

Compare salvation; than I understand why I feel not safe as I experienced before anymore as I know that there is no salvation possible from an outside source. The only 'salvation' is me standing up as myself for a world that is best for all.

Positive/negatiove charge:
Positive, as I felt save in the illusion of salvation that I created as believe that I am save within my destiny.
Negative, as save can feel like being locked in a safe, a locker, safe in the locker as the mind.

New defenition:
Being self-honest in every moment which gives self-trust; within self-trust I experience myself as safe in every moment as I stay in breath, not reacting on the world around me.