zaterdag 14 april 2012

2012 - system-design of Peace

I feel unsatisfied, ontevreden, not peacefull about the situation I live in.
Vrede (peace) - Ontevreden (unsatisfied).

I believe that peace is dependant of the situation that I live in.
I experience it as unsafe in the house because I am living together with someone who is not self-honest as seeing that his words are about himself, so I got the projections. We all do that, it's nothing new. I also do it to him.
I experience this as being attacked in the house I live in. There is a war going on, there is no peace in the house. Actually it's war, than a little peace, than war, than a little peace. War to create/experience peace? Or actually searching for peace which activates the opposite as war. Which is not constant. The only constant state of peace is silence within myself by stopping the reactions inside myself, by stopping the war inside myself and so the reflections of the war inside myself will stop.
Before I was living alone to find peace while being in the house. Which leads to isolation without the possibility to sort things out within myself, as I do not see my inner war reflected, I only experienced it inside my body as a cramping intestine, the war inside myself, attacking myself.
I am searching for this peace in the house, which is no longer possible. Everytime there is a little 'peace', the next attack is coming, from outside, which gives reactions inside. No silence inside as long as I have reactions, so no real 'peace' if we can still call it that way. I do not accept or allow any excuses anymore, not from myself, not from the other, so no peace of acceptances as things as they are. As long as I have reactions on this, there is no silence inside, which is the only 'real peace' that we can become one and equal as: Silence as one and equal as breath without any reactions as thougts, emotions and feelings. A long way to go.

Thought:
I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to "need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Trigger-point:
M asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive to the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m asking questions that I experience as questions to get my attention to keep the relationship alive as a trigger-point within me which triggers the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Type of thought:
Need
Belief
Fear

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist need inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist belief inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear not having a safe place to stay when there is no peace inside the house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear inside me by participating within the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay".

Emotion:
Sadness

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay" to an emotion of sadness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of sadness.

Why do I connect an emotion of sadness to the thought "I need peace inside the house I live in as a safe place to stay"?

I feel sad because I don't feel comfortable inside the house anymore. I live in constant fear of being attacked with projections of the mind of m.
I feel sad because I feel unsatisfied about the situation I live in, living with a man who is not able to start being self-honest as he doesnot know what the mind is and I do not have the words translated to speak about it. So the only option is that I take everything back to self and experience the dishonesty and unequality of projections of other people in/as the mind, and my own dishonest reaction to it as if it hurts me.
I feel sad because I was appearantly not able to direct myself into a situation to create a safe environment for myself by living with someone who is seeing into self or otherwise by standing alone and living alone.
I feel sad because I am living with a person that I don't want to live with, and within this I have to give up all desires for a relationship with someone I want to live with.
I feel sad because I do not believe that I am ever able to stand up as myself and feel comfortable with someone around me who is not seeing inside self or even with someone who is seeing inside self.
I feel sad because I see inside myself that I am not able to be comfortable within myself with anybody around; I live in constant fear of being seen or being attacked.
I feel sad because I live the consequence of having sex with a person out of loneliness.
I feel sad because I am not able to stand as myself and live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe which activate the fear inside myself for not being able to speak as myself, to direct myself as self and to have enough money to support myself to live a life alone, supporting myself and others to stand up in this.
I feel sad because I do not experience myself as enough support to live in this situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel sad because I don't feel comfortable in the house I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not feel comfortable in the house I live in because I live in fear of being attacked by the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the projections of m to fear, and thus I forgive that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the projections of m can harm me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own reactions on the projections of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that my reactions on the projections of m are real and for this, I experience pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience pain because I believe that my reactions on the projections of m are real.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to know that m is not seeing into self which is not the same as seeing it and bringing this knowing into parctical living by saying, no till here no further, I do not allow myself anymore to live in an abusive situation with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need to go through this, that I need to be able to live with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to move to another house because I made an appointment with m of starting living here together in the house for at least a year.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to carry consequenses if I move to another house now because I do not know if this is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience this situation I live in absolutely as not best for all as I experience it as horrible and abusive of myself and maybe of m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to regret to stay here in the house together with m, believing that it was the ´right decision´.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there exists a right decision.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to see that there is only one option that is best for all, because this one option that is best for all I experience as horrible which is not an experience of what is best for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the horrible experience of living in the house with m is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by this living together as what is best for all which makes it hard to believe that this is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel betrayed by myself, doing what is best for all created in-as the mind, without taking into consideration that really living it is a complete different story.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live consequenses of a created best for all in/as the mind, which is honest but not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am self-honest and m not, instead of seeing that I am also not self-honest by living with m in the house out of a mind-idea.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not experience myself as enough support to live in each sitiation I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not experience myself as enough.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to stand alone as myself in a world that I experience as unsafe because people are not seeing into self, instead of seeing into myself and find out that the words they speak cannot harm me directly as this words are about themselves and my words are about me, so unly my words can really harm myself and this within this the world when they are not spoken in self-honesty by separating myself from self as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am unable to live together with a pertson who is or is not seeing inside self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am unable to live with myself when seeing myself reflected in a person who is seeing or not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so very stupid of starting living in the house with m while I knew that he is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as being stupid of starting living in the house with m, instead of seeing that in every moment of decisison I decided that it was in that moment the best to do to give it a chance to investigate living together.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself to be with someone who is not seeing into self, and to not allow myself in this to be just satisfied with the situation as it is, which is a starting point from where things can change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not allow myself to change by not accepting the situation as its is in the moment; within this I fight with myself about the situation instead of changing myself in a way that is supportive for myself and others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fight with myself about the situation I live in which prevent me from changing myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the situation I live in as a backdoor to not need to change as myself.I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself tosee it as a crime to start living with someone who is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself tosee it as a crime to live with myself while I am not seeing into self in totality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to admit to myself that I am so very tired of living alone, running away and trying to be perfect.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that m is not good enough for me to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can have better than m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see myself as better than m, in which I seperate myself from m and from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see the man I live with as a measure of what I am capable of, and living with m is disappointing me as I thought that I would never live with a man like m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what is wrong with a man like m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live with a man that I am not sure of that I want to live with, and that is something that I promised to myself, that I would never live with a man that I am not 100% sure of, so in this I break my promise to myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the promise I made to myself of not living with someone that I am not sure of is reality, instead of seeing that I made this promise in and as the mind, which cannot be trusted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself in and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior because I betrayed myself in and as the mind by starting to live with someone I am not 100% sure of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior because I started living with someone I am not 100% sure of.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a promis is real, instead of seeing that a promise is always made in and as the mind to give an experience of safety in an unsafe world which living in and as the mind is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to partly live with m because practical it is more easy as he is physical stronger than I am and capable to do heavy practical things.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for using this practical reason as a reason to live with m in the same house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel weak by experiencing that I am not able to do all practical things in the house by myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to promise myself that I will never use other reasons to be with a man than.....yeah than what? What was always my startingpoint of living with a man?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use feelings for the man as a startingpoint of living with a man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make a promise to myself that I will never live with a man who's smell I don't like in any moment and who is snoring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience disgust towards myself for living with a man who is snoring and who's smell I don't like in any moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself to live with a man who is snoring and who is not always smelling nice but with who it is practical possible to live with.


I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to do something with the man and for that I need to like his smell always and for that he must not snore, instead of seeing that I am living here with m to walk my process towards myself by bringing all points back to self that I seperated myself from.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my reaction on a person who is not always smelling nice.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from my reactions on a person who is snoring or from my reactions on the sound of snoring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seek for an experience of relief after writing this s.f. which is not coming.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the experience of relief as a measure of yes or no living with m. (verder blog 2).

 I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not yet be able to feel comfortable with somebody around me because I live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of being attacked or being seen by myself, when I see myself reflected in other people around me, seeing myself being not self-honest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in constant fear of seeing myself, not being self-honest, and for this attacking myse;f for not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel sad because I believe I am not able to stand and live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe which activate the fear inside myself for not being able to speak as myself, to direct myself as self and to have enough money to support myself to live a life alone, supporting myself and others to stand up in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to stand and a live a life that I want in a world that I experience as unsafe, with people that I mostly experience as unsafe.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience the world and most people as unsafe, which I use as an excuse to not stand up and live the life that I want.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist the experience of the world and most people as unsafe as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the fear of living the live that I want, supporting myself and others to stand up as self and directing self to live a life alone and to have enough money to be able to live a life alone as what is best for all, as a living example.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to not have enough money to support myself to live alone in/as (a) life that I want as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loneliness so much which makes me hesitating to stand up and live the life that I want as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear of loneliness within me as an excuse to not stand up as self and live a life alone as what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that me living alone is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that living with m is what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the question what is best for all as an excuse to stay busy with this question and possible option of leaving or not leaving, which is an excuse to not change as myself in the situation I live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to change the situation instead of changing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create an outerly safe environment as the house is 'against the world', which is not safe inside by living together in a situation that we both do not want.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel not safe inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from being safe inside myself as myself which has the consequence that I have to find peace outside myself in the environment or another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid of standing alone in the world which I experience as unsafe.

Corrective actions:
I took action by speaking to m about the situation and brought forward what is really going on inside myself about our communication. As an answer to this he did the same, he spoke honestly about his experience of communicating in the house with me. We came to the conclusion that we do both not want to live together in this way because we want to communicate completely different. He spoke honestly about his 'opinion' about desteni and my participation in it, and about me as a living example, which I have not been as myself as became very clear in his words (which I already experienced of course). He doesnot want to participate within desteni when he sees my behaviour, and he thinks it will never be possible to bring this in the world.
To me became very clear that this is what I experienced the whole year, that he is not seeing what I am speaking about and that he is not seeing into himself. This is what is making me reacting which makes me not a living example of who I am as life.

One thing I experience directly after m honestly speaking about me and desteni is:
 peace, silence.
I immediately thought that it is not possible to live in one house anymore.
For a week I investigated the possibility to both go live alone again. All the fears, of lonelyness, having not enough money,'not 'finding' another man. I wrote out the whole concept of living alone for myself, how it will be better for both of us, how this will force both of us to finally see ourselves, to stand up as ourselves. No silence anymore, it became busy again, coming forward out of having doubts about what to do.

When and as I see myself having doubts again about making the right decission, I stop,I breathe. I realise that we are already walking this point and the outcome will become clear. I realise that it's necessary to first walk the mind before I am able to stand as self as life, stable in a situation as what I am living in now. Only by walking the mind first I can become one and equal as myself including the mind. I can not skip this part as this is seperating myself from (this part of) the mind as myself, believing that I am already constant as myself. Within this believing I create backchat and secret mind thoughts, coming forward out of blame of every point inside myself that I expose which is not yet constant as myself. This is sabotaging and abusing myself, m and the situation.
This walking together with m in the house is making me able to become stable in and as myself; It is not realistic to expect myself to be stable while walking the process, as walking the process itself is what I am becoming stable in as myself, step by step, breath by breath.

I realize that I am creating doubts again because I am so fucking scared to stand alone in this world, walking into the focus of the mind, where the mind as an illusion burns itself down by becoming one and equal to it; as what is best for all. I am scared that I will follow this way of the mind and loose everything for nothing.

This morning, after writing the whole solution of living alone as the best option, I wrote very small and I asked myself: Why isn't this living possible with m in the house? And there came no answer. Isn't this because of z, the other man? Silence. Isn't this because I want one more time an experience, of having another house, seeing z one more time, starting something with a man participating within desteni; just the 'one more time' experience? Silence.
First time, finally silence. No answers of the mind. It reminded me of the tekst about Bernard who asked the White Light: Why didn't you create a world that is best for All? And there was no answer. The White Light disappeared.

First time no answer of the mind.
And this is what I am going to walk. I write him in here officially. I still am first renter, if I decide it will stop than it stops. That's how it is, that are the rules of the house-corporation. I told m I don't want him to go; and when he will stay, this is how it is, I cannot give him more 'rights' about the house.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to be a living example as myself to m as I wanted to be, which makes him doubting what I within desteni am standing as; which makes him not wanting to live and participate within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty about being a bad living example of what I within desteni am standing as, which makes me a bad living example of the destenigroup.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am a bad living example as myself and as the destenigroup instead of seeing that m doesnot want to face himself, which he projects on me participating within desteni.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself responsible for the reason why m doesnot want to work with the tools of desteni by believing that I am na bad living example, instead of seeing that m has his own excuses to not yet want to participate actively by seeing into self. He has his own reasons that only make sense for him; I cannot see into this and I cannot change this.

I have to accept that m is not participating within desteni, and I am. I stop pushing him, I push myself. I stop my reactions on him and take it back to self when he is speaking from this point of self-dishonesty. Within this I learn to stand in this without reactions. It is exactly as the situation I grew up in. Now I am seeing what is going on, I am able to stop my reactions as I understand that I no longer need to doubt myself because I cannot believe what the other person (mama, m) is saying.
When and as I see myself participating in pushing m, I stop, I breathe. I realize that I am pushing m in something that I have to apply for myself. I use writing to see what I project on m what I need to apply myself 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start doubting myself because I cannot believe the self-dishonesty of mama, and because I cannot believe this, it must be true, and within this 'decission' that she must be true/right, fearing of loosing her, I doubt myself; I loose self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to doubt myself by believing the dishonesty of mama.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start reacting on m when he is speaking in self-dishonesty because I am scared to loose myself in reactions which is also self-dishonest, which is coming forward out of old pain of believing mama and loosing my self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do exactly the same as what I am scared of when I react on the self-dishonesty of m; I leave myself in this reactions/dishonesty by believing that I have to explain him that he is self-dishonest at the moment, and within this explaining I give myself away to the mind, believing again that the mind is true/real and I am not, which makes me so angry.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stop m speaking self-dishonest by trying to explain him that he is self-dishonest, which makes myself self-dishonest at the moment, instead of seeing that I have to stop my own reactions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become the opposite of a living example as myself by trying to explain to m that he is not self-honest because at that moment within this reaction I am not self-honest myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame m of being not self-honest and seeing in his words that he believes that he is honest, not knowing what self-honesty is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe myself that I am self-honest by being honest, not knowing what self-honesty is because I do not know what self is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know what self is.
I as the mind do not want to live with m, and I as the mind am blaming myself and m for staying in this situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself and m for staying in this situation which becomes an excuse to sabotage the situation.

Corrective statements:

When and as I see myself participating in blame, abuse and sabotage I stop, I breathe. I realize that, no matter if I do or do not want to live in this situation with m, I will not apply blame, abuse and sabotage towards life, not in any situation. This has nothing to do with the situation I live in and this has everything to do with treating your neighbour as you want to be treated yourself.

The point of selfresponsibility is the point that I face everywhere around me in the world at the moment. No-one wants to take things back to self, wants even to see inside self and take this possibility, that all the words we speak are about self, in consideration.
I am the one who is doing this at the moment, supported in a group that is working together in this under the name Desteni.

When and as I see myself participating in a reaction on m, being perplexed when he is speaking or behaving in dishonesty, I stop, I breathe. I do not allow myself to react on m. I realize that I have to face something inside myself in this reaction on him, and I have to stop this reaction inside myself. I breathe and stop talking. I say to m, I cannot speak right now, maybe later, and I walk away. I do not allow myself to stay and start blaming m for a point that is coming up inside myself. When I am alone, I start writing to see what is going on inside myself, why I am reacting on m being self-dishonest and apply s.f. on this.

Most of time I want something from him, and when he is speaking self-dishonest, it is not possible to get this from him and I have to do it myself. This is standing alone. And because I fear this, I want him to do what I fear so that I do not need to really stand alone. This is what is making me reacting and this is what is making me wanting another man, which makes me unsatisfied with living with m in the house. In each situation I have to see and write out what specific reaction is going on.
This is a first step to stop my reactions inside myself.

Word:
Safe

Defenition:
adjective
1. secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk: a safe place.
2. free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk: to arrive safe and sound.
3. involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.: a safe estimate.
4. dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5. careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.

Origin:

1250–1300; (adj.) Middle English sauf, saf < Anglo-French saf, Old French sauf < Latin salvus intact, whole; (noun) late Middle English save, orig. derivative of save1 , assimilated to the adj.; compare salvation

Compare salvation; than I understand why I feel not safe as I experienced before anymore as I know that there is no salvation possible from an outside source. The only 'salvation' is me standing up as myself for a world that is best for all.

Positive/negatiove charge:
Positive, as I felt save in the illusion of salvation that I created as believe that I am save within my destiny.
Negative, as save can feel like being locked in a safe, a locker, safe in the locker as the mind.

New defenition:
Being self-honest in every moment which gives self-trust; within self-trust I experience myself as safe in every moment as I stay in breath, not reacting on the world around me.

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