Let's write about men.
For a long time I let myself distract by men. By willing a man, not willing a man, and when the man is here, by the man himself, wanting him or wanting him to go away. In my head is a picture of me and a man in a perfect relation. Speaking openly about our process inside, living our 'own life' but...yes but what? Actually I don't know what else except living our own life and sometimes having sex. This is the picture that I created. And actually I don't know what to speak about, so I created the picture of living our own life. Sometimes having sex? Yes sometime. Very sometime. Which has also stopped because I don't know how to have sex anymore. So living our own life is what has left.
In the mean time I experience jealousy on other copples that I see participating in desteni. Man and woman both walking the process and sharing this. Of course I don't know if and how they share this. If I see a happy picture I believe they share themselves openly to each other. Maybe they are also struggling with this, maybe they also have to walk it all alone. It must be, everybody stands alone. punt.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be jealous at other copples that I see where both man and woman are participating within desteni.
I make something of this, participating within desteni. I have to live as myself, and I stand for the principle of oneness and equality. With a group of human beings we are walking this process to make this principle reality in this world, the group is called desteni.
If I see a handsome young man, participating within desteni, this feeling of 'a possibility to be with the one' is coming up. Within this I believe that I myself am still 20 lol. That I can be with a man like that, and at the moment I believe that I am not and I should not let go of this chance to be with such man someday. So I must leave the house immediately, being alone and ready for when this chance is coming......
This is a complete distraction, waiting and searching for a better chance, for The One. It can always be better. This became clear to me when I was listening to the video
In the dimensions we/they were spending so much time to reach another level, whatever that may be. And when you are not able to keep the same frequency as the state you were in, you fall back to the bottom. When I write this it's what I experience here in my past relationships. I tried to reach the next level by searching for that specific man, and when I made it sometimes, I was never able to stay in this. Like I was not able to maintain in the rush of energy; I could not stay within that frequency? So I fall down, back to earth lol. Back to where I started alone. Or I was with a man that I did not experience as 'good' enough, so the frequency seems too low. And than I went away. Back to where I started alone.
What a huge fuck up. And I did not realize how deep I was envolved within this reaching for something higher, because I never stept into a religion or something like that. I knew this searching for a man was blocking me but I didnot see how. So I only could go on searching, inside and outside myself. The illusion of the perfect relationship became my religion, and that is actually where all religion are based on, so I was in a religion. I investigated it widely so my illusion was very close to what is called an agreement; but the fact that I was longing for something better or higher and distracted by it makes it a religion. Not able to really stand alone, Here as I am in reality, directing myself as Self.
What do I make of men within this? I make them some kind of status-symbol. Which is not equal. And this is what I become angry at, that the man is not standing equal to/as me. I am not standing equal to the man. I put him on a platform, using him for a personal goal to 'reach a higher level', and when it doesnot work like that I go away or the man goes away.
Without this, I don't know how to live. How to express, what to do, who I am. Unconscious, all my life was about this reaching for a higher level.
I experience a lot of shame within myself of what I have become. This shame I suppressed in my body.
I am using some oligoplant products (herbal/mineralproducts) to support the body to get this structures to the surface to see them and forgive them myself, so I can go into my body. It goes together with tiredness, My body doesnot feel comfortable. The shame forms a layer above the structures that I also suppressed. Yes, this made me really sick the last 10 years. I almost destroyed (part of) my body within this suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself completely by suppressing the shame of what I have become as another layer on the suppression of what I have become.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better because I believe I am better than other people who are openly living their program, instead of seeing that the only thing that I am better in is in hiding and suppressing myself to not experience the shame about what I have become.
The physical has alway stopped me from completely going into the rush of energy, into 'the higher level'. I simply was not able to maintain in this for a long time. If I did that, I immediately got more physical complaints. Which forced me to go back into myself and investigate this as far as possible. Because I could not live with this physical complaints, actually with no physical complaint at all. (Also within this investigating I got stuck. This is something for the blog about the system-design of inspiration).
My body was/is bringing me down. And the man I live with is bringing me down. Which I as the mind don't like. Because within this I experience the illusions and excuses that I have allowed and accepted to exist within myself; which is what I have allowed and accepted to exist in the world. A complete fucked up mind-system, always reaching for a goal outside us as a higher level, as something better than we already live in. And within this, we destroy everything that is living on earth, included our own physical.
Is it that I/we don't want to change? What I see within myself and people around me is that we don't know how to change and that we believe that it doesnot make sense. As I experience myself at the moment, I don't know how to live, who I am, what to do. It's a complete unknown area. Which is reflected in the ouside world, where nobody is starting because nobody is starting, staying in control within the life we know.
Playing domino, everything is falling because one thing is falling, passed from generation to generation. If one domino-stone keeps standing, the whole row stops falling. The new generation can start standing (altough within a falling world); the old generation is complete confused because the falling has stopped. What to do?!
I keep on stopping the falling within myself, sorting out the confusion. (The mind projects this falling as getting to a higher level so I stop reaching for a goal outside me as getting to a higher level). Until I am able to stand as myself as breath. Until I am Here.
Do you want to stop falling? Bring yourself down to be able to stand up: