zondag 29 januari 2012

2012 - Fear and Under-standing - blog 1/fear

Being at work, another person 'X' came walking in who is working near bye; X is copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this. I walk away upstairs, and when I am upstairs (we can still see each other, it's open), I say, "we are not doing this, we are not making fun of each other behind their back". X say, "that's humor, the humor is on the street". I say "no, this is no humor, this is ridiculing another person". X walks out.

This is keeping me busy the next week. Two days of working I want to go to the X and speak about it, but there are some customers coming and I decide to stay. The third day in morning I close the door and walk to X. I ask if X understand (!) what I was saying that day. X is angry and deeply hurted by what I said, I was patronizing X said X. At the moment it happened X 'could kill me'. Especially the walking away and the look on my face hurted X. I said that the walking away was not ok, I did that because I was scared to speak up. That's why I come back now. Well I am not going into more details; X pulls a line and don't want to speak with me anymore about principles that are best for all as this is 'my opinion'.

This would have happened anyway; it was not the first time that we spoke about this kind of things with some struggling between us.

The point is:

The walking away and the look on my face.
Both were coming forward out of fear. I walked away because I fear speaking up, and the look on my face and tone of my voice was angry because I fear speaking up. And this is what was 'hurting' X (as it triggered old pain in X, X told me). I wonder if X even heard the words I spoke; the walking away and look on my face were triggering X.
Both were coming forward out of fear. Fear of me speaking up. And the actions and expressions out of fear are giving reactions, not the words I speak. And X 'wanted to kill me' out of fear.
Fear on fear.
There must be a thought inside me before I walk away.
A thought like "I am not going to participate in this".

Second point:

The 'under-standing'.
I asked X to understand me. And this I do every time, I try to make the other person understand me and I certainly have tried to understand all the other people. Which is not standing equal as life. Understanding is always as the mind, and thus always unequal, some one has to under-stand.
Why? Also out of fear. I stand inferior upon myself, I under-stand myself as the mind, and for this the other person must under-stand me, because I already stand inferior so the other person must also stand inferior to myself and understand me as the mind.

Thought:
"Ik ga hier niet aan meedoen"; "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without seeing inside herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without seeing inside herself.

Trigger-point:
X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this to the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this exist as a triggerpoint within me, which triggers the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking' over people without wanting to see inside herself.

Type of thought:
Resistance (out of fear)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist (out of fear) to participate in a situation where X is walking over people without seeing inside herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist resistance (out of fear) to participate in a situation where X is walking over people without seeing inside herself within and as me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Perplexity

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself to an emotional experience of perplexity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of perplexity.

Why do I connect an emotion of perplexity to the thought "I am not going to participate in this"?
I experience an emotion of perplexity because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and actually making a joke of herself instead of making a joke of the person who is bringing the post; making jokes of others is always making a joke of self, projected on others.
This not seeing into self of another person is fearing me. I experience this like X is walking over me and I experience being a victim in this. It's squeezing my throat, as I am not allowed to speak up; as I speak up X has done with me, I am kicked out, no longer allowed to participate. So how do I react, I resist to participate myself and walk away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an emotional experience of perplexity out of fear because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and making a joke of herself as making jokes of others is always projecting the joke of self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist to participate in this because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and making a joke of herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an emotional experience of fear when another person is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an experience of being a victim when X is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that X can 'walk over me'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge X, which is coming forward out of fear, for walking over people without seeing inside herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that X can squeeze my throat.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being kicked out as I speak as myself, to fear to no longer be allowed to participate, as I see now that this participating is participating in the rules of society which are the rules of the mind, which are always unequal; I do not need them any longer to survive, I can stand on my own feet, I can stand in equality as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist participating in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself, and with resisting participating I create myself that what I fear: that I am kicked out and no longer be allowed to participate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create myself a situation where I am 'kicked out', to not be allowed to participate anymore, by resisting to participate in a situation myself and walk away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away out of a situation that I fear, and with walking away out of fear, I go into the mind, into fear, out of the physical reality; with this going into the mind I make myself a victim of the situation, I make myself as self dependent = victim of the mind as fear, and with this I give the power to the mind, to the situation, to X who is speaking in/as the mind. In the mind nothing can be walked through, only in the physical reality we are able to walk through points as self.

Type of fear:
Fear of loose, and within this fear of death, as I believe that the connection to the other person (in this case X) will keep me alive as the connection to the mind will keep me alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have an angry face out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear speaking as myself, and because I fear speaking as myself, I walk away and I put on an angry face.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect 'speaking as myself' to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being kicked out when I speak as myself, no longer allowed to participate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect 'being kicked out when I speak as myself, no longer allowed to participate' to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loosing the connection to another person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing the connection to another person as connection in/as the mind to keep me alive to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when the connection to the other person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive stops.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect stopping the connection to other person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in the tendency to walk away out of resistance to participate into a situation where another person is walking over other people without seeing into self, I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I want to walk away because I fear to speak up as myself because I have had experiences where speaking as myself has the consequences of me being kicked out of the connection to another person in/as the mind.
I realize that this connection in/as the mind to another person is not real; I don't need this connection in/as the mind to be alive as self; this connection in/as the mind will keep me away from Self from Life.
I breathe, I stand still. I put my two hands together to keep myself Here in the physical. I see into the situation in breathing. Within this breathing I see what words are coming up. Within this breathing I can speak these words that are coming up as self. If no words are coming up, this is ok. I just keep on breathing and stand still in the middle of the situation. When there are reactions coming up inside I can see into this later and apply s.f on it. In the moment I just breathe through the reactions inside.
I realize that the other person is not walking over me or over another person, the other person is projecting out of fear of seeing into self. If I walk away out of fear of the other person, I only affirm this fear, in the other person and in me, and with affirming fear I affirm the mind, which keeps us prison in fear. Any reaction that is coming up is out of fear so out of the mind who is afraid of stopping to exist, so afraid of dying.
I stop this. I do not allow myself as mind to fear dying by loosing the connection to the mind, as living in/as the mind is not really Living, it's surviving on energy that is running out, and this is giving fear.
I stop, I breathe. I remain within silence as myself as Life. This Silence as Breath as mySelf is the only thing that is really Alive.

Word:
Under-standing.

I am used to almost understand everything; the only thing that I really do not understand is if people do not know what it is to use common sense. Within this I 'fail' in understanding as the mind and thus I can see that understanding as the mind is limited.
I used understanding to 'grip' things and situations in/as the mind. To make myself equal as the mind as the others mind, to try to find equality in/as the mind which I defined as being alive. Which is limited.
Understanding in/as the mind brings forward inferiority, because 'I understand more' than the other, or vice versa. I used it to feel superior by understanding everything, and with this I stand inferior upon myself as Life.
This is coming forward out of not trusting myself standing as self as I do not have the experience what it is to be alive as self as breath without having connections to/in/as the mind.

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Defenition:
To understand - to know, to hear, begrijpen.
Begrijpen - met het verstand vatten, doorzien.

accept, apprehend, be aware, be conscious of, be with it, catch, catch on, conceive, deduce, discern, distinguish, explain, fathom, figure out, find out, follow, get the hang of, get the idea, get the picture, get the point, get*, grasp, have knowledge of, identify with, infer, interpret, ken, know, learn, make out, make sense of, master, note, penetrate, perceive, possess, read, realize, recognize, register, savvy*, see, seize, sense, sympathize, take in*, take meaning, tolerate

Antonyms: misinterpret, misunderstand

Origin and history:
O.E. understandan "comprehend, grasp the idea of," probably lit. "stand in the midst of," from under + standan "to stand" (see stand). If this is the meaning, the under is not the usual word meaning "beneath," but from O.E. under, from PIE *nter- "between, among" (cf. Skt.

Among: te midden van, tussen, bij,
(be) among: behoren tot/belong to

This makes: stand in the midst of; stand among; stand by
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Stand, I can't stand it as it is 'unbearable', which is unbearable in/as the mind.
For this I under-stand, because it is unbearable what I see in reality, so I try to understand it; to make myself smaller to 'belong to' the person who is living in/as the mind to survive.
And within this trying to make the unbearable inequality equal in/as the mind.

Positive charge and negative charge - polarity:
I feel better when I use the word when understanding is mutual as this mutual understanding gives a connection in/as the mind which I defined as being alive; positive charge.
I feel tired and desperate if another person doesnot understand me, which I on my turn do not understand.
This gives fear, because the connection in/as the mind between me and the other person is not 'standing', and thus the connection to the defenition I gave to being alive is not there; negative charge.

I refuse to stand equal to this inequality and instead of standing equal I run away in the mind, manifested in real life as running away out of situations. I make myself inferior to the situation, I under-stand myself and the other. Within this I can never stand up in it, because I am inferior to the situation as the mind; I allow the mindsystem from myself and others to suppress me.

I am 'searching' for a point that happens in this situation as I still don't 'understand' (!) what happen exactly.
With this searching I am waiting to with stopping this pattern, which is an excuse of the mind to stand up, using again the understanding.

New defenition:
To stand in the midst of the situation as self, using common sense to see what is being said in the moment

When I apply this in this situation than what happens:
Instead of walking away when X is walking in, copying the person who brings the post and making jokes of her, I stand in the midst of the situation as self. Because I stand as self, I do not need to walk away; I keep standing in/as myself. I stand as myself in the midst of the situation. So I am Here, because I do not walk away physically, and I am Here, because I stand as self, so I do not walk away in the mind, and so I do not make myself inferior as the mind.

When I stand in the midst of the situation as self I remain Here. Within this I breathe and see what words are coming up as self.

vrijdag 27 januari 2012

2012 - Experiencing exercising Ego into Possession

http://youtu.be/bmDLlxJUD-E

Thanks for the interview (the voice is difficult to hear like it's 'far away)'. I just experienced this exercising ego into possession of myself and it's not cool.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'choose' to go into speaking as the mind and not being able to stop anymore, waiting for and trying to make the other person to understand me.
When and as I see myself participating into trying to make the other person understand me, I stop, I breath. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I want the other person to understand me because I do not know how to stand alone and express as self, without affirmation of the other person.
I realize that I feel so very lonely inside and I want to fill this lonelyness with the understanding of the other person, instead of standing as myself Al-One.
I do not allow myself to exercise ego into possession.
I do not allow myself to wait for and try to make the other person to understand me.
I do not allow myself to fill myself with the understanding of the other person.

Under-standing.
I try to fill myself with the under-standing of the other person, which is so not cool; it's suppressing the other person and trying to fill myself with feeling better than the other person, which is not standing equal and one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fill myself with the under-standing of the other person instead of standing equal and one as myself as the other person as life.
When and as I see myself participating in trying to fill myself with the under-standing of the other person I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I breathe; within breathing I fill myself with Breath as Life as Self. There is nothing to be scared of, no reason to 'be' lonely, as Breath is All I am.

woensdag 25 januari 2012

2012 - 4 months participating in Desteni; using the tools to walk through resistance related to relationships

http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/09/facing-myself-as-facing-world-as-facing.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/discipline.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/right-to-live.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/forgive-enslavement.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/relation-chips.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/i-dont-care.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/care-money-love.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/self-forgiveness-caring.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/10/heaven-and-hell.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/hushing.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/misery.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/dictator.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/where-was-i.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/zegveld-sayfield.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/control-and-forgive-propagationprocreat.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/to-be-deceived.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/no-decission.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/living-via-love-offor-another-person.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/to-break.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/to-break-and-being-self-honest-equal.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/inbreuk.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/doubt.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/speechless.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/to-lay-my-eyes-on-you.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/poop-express-accept.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/zelfvergevingen-pool-nr1-hoop-en.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/communication.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/relationship-with-mind.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/start-zelfvergevingen-alleen-staan.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/12/zelfvergevingen-financieel-alleen-staan.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2012/01/fear-of-making-wrong-decision.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2012/01/zelfvergevingen-alleen-staan-3.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2012/01/loneliness-alleen-staan-4.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2012/01/free-choice-and-money.html
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2012/01/backchat-attack.html


These are the blogs written the first 4 months starting with the desteni-i-process that are related to the relationship/agreement I am involved in. It’s a not really a relationship and also not really an agreement. Walking alone together is a more suitable description. Walking through the relationship-points to stand alone together.

From the beginning I experienced resistance against the man I am living with and this resistance was going on for 10 months. Being together in the physical was ok, the touch was ok, practical living in the house was ok, so it was clear that the mind was standing between us.

Last weekend I finally saw what was bothering me:

When we met 10 months ago I allowed a thought to exist within me: ’I don’t want to be with him’. This thought was giving resistance every 3 days in the end. I attacked myself (and him!) with this thought, I sabotaged the situation with the thought and I could not stop it until I could see clearly what was going on. This sabotage had consequences, as I was 'breaking up' several times. This breaking up could not go on and on; there would be a moment that he would really go away and not come back, with all the consequences for him, for me, for Life. 

As soon as I saw the thought exist, I saw that it was not ‘true’ anymore, he and I really changed, and the thought disappeared. And…the resistance is gone!

After this I finally could see clearly and practical into the situation and make a decision as what is best for all in agreement with myself.

We are able to start walking alone together, living in the house. It is really a relief to be here with him without the experience of resistance against him being here, or actually without the experience of resistance against myself being here with him.


How did I use the tools of desteni to walk through this period of resistance?

- Translate some basic-principles of oneness and equality into polish for him, which supports me to speak and live them myself and to see where I do not speak and live them myself.

- Live ‘my life’, with or without resistance against him/myself being with him, because I can stand on my own feet within the start of DIP-course.

- See myself in the words I speak to him and apply self-forgiveness for projecting on him

- Direct myself instead of control the other

- Write lists and lists of s.f. to see what was turning around in myself, without expecting an outcome of the situation; every outcome was ok.

- See into the pattern that I grew up in and that influenced all relations in my whole life through writing blogs
http://ingridschaefer.blogspot.com/2011/11/living-via-love-offor-another-person.html

- Be able to stay in a situation that ‘feels’ horrible through writing blogs

- Be able to see behind my mind-preference in the choice of a partner

- See that the resistance is about me and not about the other person which needs self-correction

- Deconstruct a thought that I programmed myself with related to this preference and rewrite a walkable script (corrective statements) within lesson 3 and lesson 4 of DIP

- Ask for support to the buddy and mother-buddy if I really do not see it anymore myself and work with the practical advise they give me to work with

- Finally having an living example expressed in words of what 2 people are ‘doing’ together in an agreement without living in self-interest, which takes away ‘feelings of quilt’ about having a relationship/agreement

- Making lists of ‘likes’ and ‘dislikes’ and see if I can change the dislikes through applying s.f. and letting go or if things can change by discussing and changing the pattern together

- See what I would like to express in an agreement

- See that an agreement is about enjoying the physical presence of the other person and not about punishment, and within this I finally see that the starting-points of standing alone together are in general very ‘simple’

- Make new starting-points that are self-honest

- Agree with keeping things simple as Life is not complicated, the mind is complicated and always wants more

- See into my backchat to see where my resistance is coming from through daily writing/backchat diary

- Stop reacting on the man and finally see how to take full responsibility for my own reactions

- Stop having sex for 6 months to see what patterns are under the surface and having the courage to do this

- Start practising sex as sex within breathing and within this keeping it very simple without expectations and judgements

- See the equality and inequality between man and women within myself

- See the possibility to walk desteni-i-process with a man who is not walking the DIP-course but who is willing to change himself

- See what one thought can do and how I attack and defend myself with/against this thought I allowed to exist in myself in the past

- See and forgive myself living in self-interest and change this into living in what’s best for all including myself in agreement with myself

- Give the man a chance


I have seen in myself an example what one thought can do, and the possibility to deconstruct this thought. The difficult part is to see the moment where the thought is created under all the layers of judgements and associations. In this case it was 10 months ago that I allowed the thought to manifest inside myself, with a lot of consequences. Can you imagine what the consequences are if the thought is allowed to exist inside ourselves 30 years ago?

I have seen in myself that living in self-interest is not best for all including me, so also not best for myself as self. With living in self-interest I tackle others including myself, that’s why I was not able to stand up, no matter how hard I tried.

I was struggling to see what is self-interest and what is best for all, because self-interest seems as best for all sometimes and at the same time is living in resistance in a situation that is best for all not best for all anymore if it starts being abusive.

The resistance coming forward out of self-interest has to be seen into and forgiven, otherwise I disagree with myself and within this I am not able to live as what is best for all because the I as the resistance will sabotage this.

With walking through this resistance this I established a base from which I can move on in living as what is best for all.

The situation as what is best for all has become a situation that I want to live in.
I did not need to change the situation, I had to change myself and he had to change himself.
And we have to keep on changing ourselves inside to be able to walk together.

This is what I am questioning myself: Am I able to change myself? Am I able to make myself equal to the situation and change myself as the situation? Am I able to direct myself without being dependent on the other person? Am I able to be a living example for the other person in what it is to live in equality? Am I able to live in/as equality with the other person and see him as a living example for me?

Let’s move on walking alone together practically in what's best for all, which we all are doing here.


Do you want to read more? Follow the pink/turqois links in this blog to the eqafe-store

maandag 9 januari 2012

2012 - "Until He comes back"

About 10 years ago I came together with people who were actively involved in christianity.
A point that directly had my attention was that they were caring for each other.
Not really caring as being equal and one, but in a way caring for others than only family and friends.

How do they care?
Some examples to bring into words what I saw.
- I started a bible study -I grew up without any religion and I was attracted by, what I now see, is the forgiveness of Jesus that they lived in - it was just before christmas. I was sitting next to a woman several evenings. We only spoke at that evening during the lessons, we hardly knew each other. She asked me what I would do with christmas, and if I was alone and liked it, I was invited to join them.
- I met some people who started a foundation in Holland; they were giving food and products to people in Roemenie who didnot have anything; some years ago they moved to Roemenie and gave their whole life to support the poor people in Roemenie with products and money they collect in the more rich countries, and of course gave them 'hope' and bibles to survive in the mess they live in. They are always hospitable for everyone, christian or not, and they give their whole personal life to serve a purpose of 'helping' people who donot have the opportunity to have the basic life foundation.
- In India I lived in an christian orphanage for some weeks; the orphanage is giving christian girls who are really outcaste in India, a life with food, bed and education. Also there I experienced some unconditional acceptation of me being there, christian or not. I was just around there, assisting in the orphanage and they were assisting me to make me more comfortable with who I am by just being around.
This was something that I really missed here growing up in Holland; being around with people where just me being there is enough, I donot have to do something or say something; they were happy that I was there, that's it.

The points that I want to point out here are actually written in this examples:

- Not excluding people on what they 'do' in life, but just being happy that you are there
- Giving their whole personal life for serving a purpose that is in their eyes the best for all
- Always hospitable

This is directly showing how I missed these three points in myself, I didnot develop them. Why not?
I simply couldnot; I allowed myself to become too much unequaled inside, and I first have to see into why and how I could 'heal' this.

Christianity, and especially the words of Jesus supported me in this.
I was listening to the radio on sunday morning for some time to a sermon, most of time from a babtistic church. There was always some common sense in the sermons. But everytime I was just into this speach, I was just listening with some relaxation because I heard some things that I could apply in daily life, I suddenly heard some theory or words that wake me up immediately and I knew, this is not real, this is triggering me in the experience of not being able to stand as myself but to the obligation to follow and obey a God outside me, needing to forgive me. Most of times I listened 'through' these words; sometimes I had to shud off the radio and just become here, and for example sit down close to a little bird in the garden and communicate with what is here in nature.

This happened a lot of times, almost in every sermon I heard.
Words spoken as common sense, build on a foundation of the words of Jesus so words of equality, in which they gave options to apply them practically in daily life, mixed with the message that all human beings have to follow Jesus, asking for forgiveness, and obeying a God outside us which is living inside us 'through the holy spirit'.
This holy spirit was something that I never could understand. What is this? I don't get it.
I only knew that without this, we were not 'tuned into' the will of God.

If God is Anu as the White Light, the holey spirit must be the mind, made holey through the open connection with 'God'. Via the mind we connect to God/Anu/White Light, and he 'speaks' to us via the mind. With praying we speak to 'him' so to the mind, as the unified consciousness field, creating our opportunities, if we are the lucky ones. But because it is still in/as the mind, with this praying polarity will be created.

"The spirit is the breath of God".
It sounds so beautifull but it is not at all, because what is written here:
The mind is the breath of Anu as The White Light; the words are turned around.
We as ourselves as Breath as Life as Living Words as God are complety gone by following this breath/mind of God outside us, being inside through the holey spirit.

A little shift in the words with large consequences as it differences everything from equality (as life) into unequality (as mind).
This is what I see in a lot of sentences that I heard on the sermons on the radio.

This is also the point that I cannot come into agreement with with my brother.
He follows Jesus, I follow the words of Jesus.
He sees God as someone who desides what happen and who lives inside him as the holey spirit; I see God as the Living Word as Life as who I Am/will become.
He asks for forgiveness, I apply self-forgiveness.
Little shifts in the words with large consequences from equality into inequality.
At the same time we speak the same language if we speak as the parables of Jesus.

And that's it for the moment. And it´s okay. We can listen to each other, and in some moment it stops.
We finally can speak more equal to eachother about this 'differences' and we both see were it stops.
Not trying to judge the other, not trying to make the other to change.
Well actually I finally can speak about some things without hesitation, and because I donot hesitate any longer he can stop to learn me something. And we agree in the point that we want to have the doors open, that we want to keep these subjects speakable without judging each other.

The speaches on the radio always were ending with a sentence as this:
in the grace of Jesus Christ, in the love of our father God, in community of the holey spirit.
Within this program everybody walks out of church, blissed and enslaved by believing these words after listening a message in/as common sense.

And somewhere in the end of the sermon always was mumbeled:...............Untill he comes back.

Another sentecnce that I didnot understand.
I finally see that the lines that i didnot understand were not speaken as common sense, but in the same time, unconsiousness, I was also waiting for 'him' to come back. I translated this into waiting for the one as the man that I love, that was ment for me.

This waiting is coming to a peak in 2012; we created a lot of expectations for a change of the mess we created on earth. Waiting for something outside us who will save us. Maybe waiting consciousness, maybe unconsciousness, but waiting we are.
Everyone knows what is coming after a peak.
A deep dale as a large desillusion that nothing is changing but everything will remain the same or actually become worse. Bringing us back to the ground, facing the mess of reality.
And what will we all see sooner or later?

We are waiting for ourselves to stand up as ourselves.
To clean up the mess that we accepted and allowed to create and exist here on earth.

We have to stop waiting, as waiting is not self-honest.
Waiting is walking away from ourselves.
We have to stop the enslavement inside ourselves to something/someone outside ourselves.
We are God as The Living Word as Life ourselves; we can realise this in a process.
Jesus speaks words in equality as himself as a living example;
we donot live in equality, not at all. We donot practise this, which is widely seen in the moneysystem. Total unequality.

Will it be easy?
No. I experience inside myself a lot of resistance against equality, coming forward out of being totally inequal, even if I 'want to be equal'. Facing myself as being unequal is not an 'easy job'.
But I see directly that Desteni is the only group that presents the whole solution.
I never found in myself some alarmbells that there is something spoken which keeps me enslaved to something outside myself, also not in moments of resistance. All information is supporting equality, bringing me back to myself, to become one and equal as myself -including my resistance - as all life.

Than what is the resistance?
The fear of standing as myself, taking whole responsability for/as myself in a world that is really not responsable at the moment. Having doubts that I am not able to do this, that I am not able to make a change, that I am not able to speak up.

What if christianity is making the move to complete common sense?
They already know how to live in commitment for a purpose that is best for all; they already know how much forgiveness can do; they already know the words of equality of Jesus. They donot only know this, they also live them partly.
If they dare to question the existence of God outside them, the change will be widely expanding.
If they dare to see that also Jesus wasnot aware of the existence of The White Light when he was on earth, so the words of Jesus were not expressing the whole solution as written in this text:

http://desteni.org/a/jesus-the-forgiveness-of-jesus

Seeing into this, they will meet the same doubt as I am speaking about:

Are we able to make a change in/as ourselves?

2012 : the year of change.
From waiting for an outside change into starting a process of taking responsability in/as ourselves.
Untill we are able to remove the self-doubt which makes us able to stand one and equal as the words:

Yes, I am able to make a change in/as myself;
living within the starting point from what is best for all equal and one.

Will you stop waiting and join us to make a change?
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/

For supporting equal chances in this, support the equal money system:
http://www.equalmoney.org/

backchat-attack

In morning I experience an enormous rush inside my head.
Before it was only a large, vaque experience of being uncomfortable which is more or less underlined by the easyness or uneasyness of the stool, or sometimes just a feeling of happyness as polarity.
I start stopping my reactions towards m, not projecting anymore what I experience inside myself. And I start seeing that it's all backchat from what I was reacting as. It has specific moments during day. In morning after waking up 2-3 hours, untill 10.00,  and in evening again, less violent, around 17.00-19.00.
Within this backchat-rush, I am not able to communicate in a 'normal' way. So I pull myself back, closing doors and see inside what the backchat is. It's overwhelming, a real attack towards myself within myself. Within this I start to compare myself within my process to m within his process for example, and I forget to be equal as myself. In this comparing I experience an emotion of being really unsatisfied, with backchat why I put myself in a situation like this. And this with some variations on this theme. If I donot stay inside myself and see into this, I start projecting my process at m, because I want him to be as unsatisfied as I am. Within this I forget that I choose to walk this process within me at this moment, and this 'heavyness' of seeing in all the shit inside myself more than most others see inside themselves at the moment, if I can describe it like this, is part of it. Actually it has been part of my whole life, and now I start seeing into this.

In the middle of the backchat period it's like I am never coming out of this. This is what is enlarging the backchat, the thought that this will last forever, projecting on the situation I live in; that this situation - that I connect with my experience that I have participating in the backchat - will last forever. So what do I want? To get out of this situation! Making plans to move houses and different variations of this. Anything that can get me out of this.

If I come through this time, writing, sitting with myself, after this it suddenly stops, like a cloud that goes away from the sun. And after this I am able to communicate without being angry. If I donot stay inside myself during this hours, if I start projecting, I create a lot of turmoil, discussing with m, forcing him to see things what I have to see inside myself, making him angry too, and being unable to stop untill he 'sees what I mean', or even ending up with the line 'that I am not sure if I want to stay in the house because of this sitiuation every day' (which I just created myself with projecting my backchat). After this I can also start seeing that it was all about me, but the rest of the day is more heavy than, because we are both tired of this fight, creating more experiences of quilt towards self and each other.

This is the 'heavyness' of taking full responsability for/as myself, undependent on how much responsability the other person is taking/able to take at the moment.
The other person has to be equal within his/her process, not with mine.
I have to be(come) equal with my process within myself. Within myself being unsatisfied in the situation, untill I see that it's not the situation that makes me experiencing this, it's the backchat, the self-judgement that is making me experiencing unsatisfied with myself through comparing myself to others during my whole life.

If I force myself to communicate in every moment of the day, also in this 'back-chat' period, I am projecting an ideal future situation on to-day, me being able to share in every moment. With this I would create another suppression with the mind because I cannot satisfy to this ideal.

(Within this translation into english I see immediately how I become so very unsatisfied, being unable to satisfy to the ideal pictures that I created for myself).

So at the moment, I stay apart from others during the backchat, first being 'together' with myself, facing myself in any uncomfortable way to become equal and one with myself in this discomfort, becoming here in reality, instead of being there, trying to satisfy to the ideal pictures that I created within myself.

donderdag 5 januari 2012

Free choice and money

It's not the situation that is keeping me into resistance, it's the free choice of the mind, or actually the mind who thinks there is a free choice, that is splitting me up every day.
As soon as the situation optional changes, my mind differs it's view. And if I agree with the situation, I can live in it. (I am not speaking about situations where the physical is suffering or where other abuse is happening - except my own abuse in/as the mind lol).

So, the free choice, which is actually not a real free choice because it's in and as the mind, is giving the suffering. And the resistance/suffering that is coming up is because I (as the mind) donot want to give up this free choice that is not even real. How mixed up is that.

To come through this resistance, I have to take this 'seriously'. If I am just knowing that it's not real and want to push myself through without caring for myself, I will create more resistance. So, taking it seriously, not as being real as something that must remain in reality, but as being real as it have been remained for a long time as who I am. If I donot take care of this as a part of that I've become, I throw myself of my own feet. That's what I usually did, just throw everything away because it is not real. I saw this as the only way to get out of the illusion; this was the only way I knew to not get stricked in a situation. But with stepping out of every situation I still get stricked in the situation in my own mind. And I need to get away everytime I feel I got stricked, which is actually stricked in/as the mind. Survival-mode, running away to survive in a system based on/as the mind. It still makes me dependent on the situation, because I have to step out of it. In the end this gives isolation, because every situation will get stricked me as I have build up this pattern inside myself. So I create these 'stricking' situations by running away, like a string that is getting more narrow everytime I try to get out. And the possability to step out of the situation, that is the 'free choice' that I created for myself.

Another point I see is that I didnot want to see into things, because I believed that if I see a point, it will remain forever. I have done many s.f. on aspects of being together in the house, related to going away and related to staying. One day I really believed to go away and next day I really believed to stay. Seeing into the thoughts, feelings and emotions didnot make them reality. It's turned around; not seeing into the mind is giving the mind a chance to recreate the old patterns, to make them reality.

The other reason that I am creating so much stress as conflict inside myself is because of the money. The idea of not being financial independant anymore is freaking me out at the moment.
So, two points that created conflict:

Free choice, which is in/as the mind
Money, which is in/as the mind.

This two aspects take away all freedom;
I allowed to let these two aspects take away all freedom.

That's funny isn't it, free choice, which we see as freedom, takes away all freedom.
Money, where we need to buy freedom with, takes away all freedom.

The sad situation of the world we accepted and allowed ourselves to live in.

Under this there is a lack of self-trust. Not knowing how to change things and for that, not daring to see into the options; "I donot want to see into what I am not able change: myself".

Free choice is not directing me as self but it's protecting me in a world of seperation, which keeps me away of self-will. Free choice is the seperation, and within this seperation this free choice as seperation seems the only way to survive, survival of/as/in the mind by creating an illusion of freedom to survive in the prison of our own mind. The mind is living by the sake of free choice, and to continue in/as the mind the free choice has to be continued, otherwise I as the mind disappear.

(Thanks to Marlin and Marcus for the vlogs that supported me to see into this).

http://www.desteniiprocess.com/
To see how you can become able to change yourself to change the world
http://www.equalmoney.org/
To support a world in equality, starting with equal money for everyone.

maandag 2 januari 2012

Loneliness - alleen staan - 4

I started to write out all s.f. on standing alone, alleen staan. To see what layers I put upon being together with m.
After 3 long lists, he was pushing the point (as I was pushing the point) of living together in one house by starting with rebuilding things in the house, and some weeks before we spoke about this, to wait with this about 2-3 months.
I spoke again with him about this, and he said he was afraid that he couldnot wait any longer.
Inside myself the same fear, that we both will push this point till 'no way back'.
He found another room today, and I am looking for another small house too.
I noticed in myself that I could not take any action to stop him from going away.
Am I sure about this? No, I am busy with seeing into this.
But I have to trust my actions in the moment, and in the moment there was/is no action to stop this change.

The point that I was living in when I met him 10 months ago: loneliness.
The point that is coming up extremely: loneliness.
Like I am staring in a big black hole. The black hole where within I as life exist?
I started desteni when m was here, and I don't know if I can make it without him.
I know I can, but I experience extremely sadness and fear.
He was kind of standing behind me what was pushing me; because of him standing there I could not fall back or lay down.
He was my back up.
But I cannot allow myself to stay with someone as a back up.
Somewhere I notice that the relation with him is keeping me connected to the illusion of light as life, to the cycle of sex and propagation, the cycle of nature, as a navel-string.
Am I quiting with the enslavement for (longing for) relationships?

We walked through some points in a short time. Which is cool.
I could see into the 'desire of having a baby' and stop this;  he could stop drinking alcohol and took responsability in work which makes himself financial stable so he can stay in Holland if he wants; I have seen myself creating the construct that I have been stuck in my whole life and seen into my own reactions based upon this construct and start taking self-responsability in this, which I have to apply practical.
I 'finally' see that I have to stop all reactions inside myself, without expecting the other person to stop this.

The point of loneliness is my biggest fear; I cannot go on in a relationship when this is laying underneath; than I am never able to walk the relationship into an agreement because I am not able to really stand alone without fear. Can I walk through this point while I am living together in a house?
This point of loneliness is directly connectioned to relationships, so this is the same point that I want to stop: relationships, which is a construct of the mind.

http://www.desteni.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=293:het-ontwerp-van-eenzaamheid&catid=52:hetontwerp&Itemid=264
(The design of loneliness).

I have to stay here and focus on breath, it's the only way I can pass the day (pass the day instead of live the day, I am still passing the days; yeah, another day, I made it through the day, which is out of survival).

Most of pain is created through doubt: can I also do this with m here together in the house?
This is the question from the beginning; this is what I am seeing into for 8-10 months already.
I still have doubts; fearing loneliness when going to another house, and fearing to be stuck when staying in the house. And most of all the dear of making a wrong decision (see the other blog).

I made a picture in my mind of  'what would be best for all live' out of the mind, and now I am disappointed in myself that I cannot live this picture that I created. It was created in/as the mind, so I am not able to live this. As soon as I could see this the sadness was going away. So the sadness is coming out of the idea that I failed, which is coming out of the mind/soulconstruct: failing lessons, connected to the fear to circle around this point forever to 'learn' the lesson.

I donot have to step into the experience of loneliness anymore, undependent in what situation I am, with or without man in a house. I donot have to live alone again to step into this, and it will not be automatically the 'right choice' to stay together because I donot have to step into the experience of loneliness anymore. All these connections are creating layer upon layer, which makes it difficult to see what is real, what is best for all in this moment.

Self-doubt
All these connections, created in and as the mind creates self-doubt.
All these connections create seperation from self and also new seperation in and as the mind.

I can walk the same process that I started with, to forgive all layers that I created upon being together with m. I donot have to stop this because m maybe goes away before I have a clear sight. This going away is part of the process. I let go the control some days ago, by stopping all my reactions towards m, taking responsability for all my reactions inside myself, so I can see what will remain, and every 'outcome' will be okay; I can stand up in it because it is not about the outcome, it is about me standing up in every situation that I am in, without going into self-judgement but applying self-forgiveness to open the structures. Than I will be able to apply corrective statements to make a real change in practical life.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb nog niet in 1 huis te kunnen wonen met een man zonder een energetische verbinding aan te gaan in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf veilig te voelen in een energetische verbinding in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat dit veilig voelen echt veilig is, terwijl ik vanaf de geboorte heb ervaren hoe onveilig het is te leven in een energetische verbinding in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb deze ogenschijnlijke, onveilige veiligheid te verkiezen boven het onbekende, aangezien het onbekende als onveilig wordt ervaren in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb het onbekende als onveilig te ervaren en te definieren en mezelf daarmee in de bekende onveiligheid houdt, in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf in de onveiligheid in en als de mind te houden.

Living in the house together keeps the energetic connection occupied, so I am not longing for another energetic connection with a man, and at the same time there is so much resistance between m and me that I couldnot 'loose' myself in him, so I am able to stay within myself.
But these two points are also the reason for wanting to go to another house, because in this situation we are not standing alone and I am 'wondering' if we are able to walk this through together. He doesnot see what is standing alone, or maybe doesnot want this yet, and my resistance is too high as a reaction on this to stay in the house Which is also about standing alone.
What I experience all the time: I don't want to stay together.
Is this self-will or will as the mind, created out of polarity? He wants, I don't want.

The resistance in the mind is overruling the practical being together more and more, until only resistance has been left between us. Facing reality, the reality of the mind.
When I have the possability of going away I can let go of this resistance, but with this it's not 'away', it's not forgiven and corrected inside myself.
I feel responsable for m. He is still saying that he has no purpose to live for if he must go to another house.
Must he step into deep water and learn to swim, or must I stay here, take responsability for him as myself and see if I can become a living example, until he is able to stand alone to see what to live for as I am able to stand alone without reacting, no matter what the other person lives as? Is this responsability as the mind or as self?
Which situation is best for myself as all life? In which situation I can stand alone?
Probably in both, so this whole mindrush is creacting another layer of confusion creating energy, which keeps me away from being here.

zelfvergevingen alleen staan - 3

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te kunnen 'genieten' van wat hier is als mijn moeder in de buurt is.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te kunnen genieten van wat hier is als m in de buurt is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn ervaring van hier, wat niet echt Hier is als Gewaar Zijn, afhankelijk te maken van de ander.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te weten of ik door mijn eigen weerstanden heen kom met m in 1 huis.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat de ander mij heeft afgehouden van hier zijn, in plaats van in te zien dat ik nooit Hier geweest ben en zou zijn, ook niet als mijn moeder of m er niet geweest zouden zijn.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb zoveel weerstand te ervaren in huis met m dat ik niet weet of ik in staat ben hier met m in huis doorheen te komen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet hier te willen zijn met m in 1 huis.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet met m in 1 huis te willen wonen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf er niet toe te kunnen zetten om m officieel in te schrijven op dit woonadres.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb een emotie van compleet gevangen zitten te ervaren bij de gedachte met m hier officieel in 1 huis te wonen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik voorgoed vast zit aan m als ik hier officieel met hem in 1 huis ga wonen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb iedere keer te geloven dat alleen wonen de oplossing is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb zoveel afschuw te ervaren bij het vooruitzicht hier met m in 1 huis te wonen dat ik me er niet toe kan zetten hem officieel in te schrijven op dit woonadres.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb m en mijzelf hiermee in een omgelijke situatie te houden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik m hier vasthoudt, in plaats van in te zien dat hij zelf in ieder moment kan bepalen of hij wel of niet hier blijft wonen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb bang te zijn dat m en ik allebei gaan verhuizen omdat we de druk van de mind niet langer kunnen verdragen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb bang te zijn dat m en ik niet gaan verhuizen en hier samen gevangen zitten.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb zo graag te willen verhuizen naar een klein huisje voor mij alleen, dat ik niet weet of ik dit verlangen kan stoppen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf te veroordelen dat ik wil verhuizen naar een klein huisje alleen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb bang te zijn dat ik mijn proces vertraag als ik verhuis naar een klein huisje alleen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik niet mag verhuizen naar een klein huisje alleen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de stemming in huis te laten dalen tot het nulpunt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf verantwoordelijk te voelen voor de stemming in huis.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat het mijn schuld is dat de stemming in huis is gedaald tot het nulpunt, in plaats van in te zien dat het niet mijn schuld is, het is altijd een wisselwerking tussen 2 mensen die geprogrammeerd zijn met weerstanden die op elkaar reageren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik niet mag verhuizen omdat ik geloof dat het mijn schuld is dat de stemming in huis is gedaald tot het nulpunt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik koste wat het kost het proces met m hier moet voortzetten, als ik dat niet doe ben ik het niet waard het proces te lopen omdat ik niet door mijn eigen weerstanden heen kom en daarmee de ander en mijzelf uit huis zet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te weten hoe ik met iemand kan samenleven die zelf geen toegang heeft tot informatie van desteni.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik gefaald heb als ik niet in staat ben hier met m in 1 huis te leven.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik mijn kans vergooi als ik verhuis, mijn kans om 1 en gelijk te worden als mijzelf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik een nog veel 'erger' scenario krijg als ik besluit alleen te gaan wonen om deze 'les te leren'.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik een les moet leren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb iemand de schuld te willen geven, dus m of ik, van deze situatie in huis.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb NU te willen weten wat ik moet doen, wat ik weerspiegeld zie in m., hij wil nu weten wat er gaat gebeuren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb met dit nu willen weten mezelf volledig in het bewustzijn van het nu te houden waardoor ik niet hier kan zijn en werkelijk kan zien hoe de situatie is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb deze twijfel niet als onderdeel van het proces te zien maar als een stoorzender van het proces, terwijl dit als deze twijfel als zelftwijfel nu juist hetgene is waar het hele proces om draait.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb uit deze twijfel weg te willen lopen door mezelf te dwingen het nu te weten, waardoor ik niet een en gelijk als de twijfel kan worden en er dus niet in op kan staan.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb uit deze twijfel weg te willen lopen door dan maar meteen naar een ander huisje te gaan zoeken, wat ik weerspiegeld zie in m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me schuldig te voelen dat m ook in deze twijfelsituatie zit door mij, in plaats van in te zien dat deze situatie een proces in hemzelf reflecteert.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik alleen degene ben die deze situatie veroorzaakt omdat m weet dat hij hier wil wonen met mij, in plaats van in te zien dat hij zijn eigen rol heeft in deze situatie, en ik hoef niet te weten welke rol dat is, dat is aan m om hierin te zien.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik moet weten wat deze situatie voor m betekent, in plaats van in te zien dat ik alleen hoef te zien in wat het in mijzelf reflecteert, waar ik mezelf van heb afgescheiden waardoor ik mezelf in deze situatie heb geplaatst.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet exact te zien waardoor ik mezelf in deze situatie heb geplaatst.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb binnen 1 maand te willen zien waardoor ik mezelf in deze situatie heb geplaatst, zodat ik daarna weg kan en m niet officieel hoef in te schrijven in deze woning.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te willen samenwerken met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te willen delen met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb het huis niet te willen delen met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb het officieel delen van dit huis met m te ervaren als een compleet opgeven van mijzelf, alsof ik weggewiped wordt.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te zien hoe dit wrschl een omgekeerde ervaring van de mind is, en ik juist niet wordt weggewiped als ik blijf.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb bang te zijn dat ik wordt weggewiped als ik niet blijf hier met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mijn proces afhankelijk te maken van het wonen in 1 huis met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb geen vrije keuze te ervaren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te weten wat het verschil is tussen 'vrije keuze' en 'zelf-wil'.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb vrije keuze als 'slecht' en zelf-wil als 'goed' te labelen, waardoor ik een extra laag polariteit creeer.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de mind als slecht en zelf als goed te labelen, waardoor ik een extra laag polariteit creeer, waardoor het niet mogelijk is hierin op te staan aangezien ik zelf niet een en gelijk ben als de mind en als zelf, dus afgescheiden van/in zowel de mind als van zelf.


"Het mag niet gezien worden".


De gedachte die opkomt bij het uitschrijven van deze s.f., met name als ik ze openbaar zet.


Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb nog steeds te denken dat als m verandert ik hier wel met hem in 1 huis wil wonen, in plaats van in te zien dat ik alleen zelf kan veranderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb dat ik als zelf niet gezien mag worden.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb dit zien van zelf afhankelijk te maken van de woonsituatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb alleen maar zelfvergevingen te willen uitschrijven maar niet echt wil veranderen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet echt te weten hoe ik door mijn weerstanden heen kan wandelen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me schuldig te voelen dat ik mijn eigen proces centraal zet en op dit moment niet kan/wil communiceren met m, en bovendien niet weet wat ik moet communiceren met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik verbaal moet communiceren met m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat mijn proces is afgescheiden van m's proces.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb een emotie van verdriet te ervaren bij dit onvermogen van m en mij om te communiceren als gelijken, om uberhaupt te communiceren.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb een emotie van verdriet te ervaren bij deze situatie waarin we ieder ons eigen leven leiden in 1 huis, terwijl we het allebei eigenlijk anders willen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb oud en nieuw het liefst gewoon over te slaan en door te brengen als iedere andere avond.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat oud en nieuw een andere avond is dan alle andere.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me te schamen als ik niet mee doe met oud en nieuw.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb in m een reden te zoeken om dit proces met hem verder voort te zetten, die ik niet kan vinden, in plaats van in te zien dat ik de reden in mezelf moet zoeken om het proces in/als mezelf te wandeln

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik een 'reden' moet 'zoeken' om het proces te wandelen, in plaats van in te zien dat ik een en gelijk als het proces ben; er is dus geen reden nodig.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet in te zien dat ik een en gelijk als het proces ben en dat er geen reden nodig is.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb niet te weten waarvoor ik dit doe en waarvoor ik leef.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te hopen dat m zelf weggaat, zodat ik de beslissing niet hoef te nemen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me te schamen hoe m en ik hier in huis leven zonder communicatie.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb communicatie in ongelijkheid te veroordelen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik kan communiceren in gelijkheid.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb dit proces met iemand te willen wandelen die ook in het proces via desteni zit en daarmee in zichzelf ziet, terwijl ik daar juist het punt mee mis, nl de vraag hoe alleen gaan staan onafhankelijk van de ander die wel of dus niet in zichzelf ziet.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb om mijn punt heen te willen wandelen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat m niet in zichzelf ziet, terwijl ik daar niets vanaf weet, ik kan alleen in mezelf zien.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb dus zelf ergens niet in mezelf te zien anders zou ik dit niet projecteren op m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat ik ergens aan moet voldoen als ik hier met m in 1 huis blijf wonen.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf af te scheiden van mijn reacties op m.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf af te scheiden van mijn reacties op mijn moeder.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf af te scheiden van mijn reacties op de ander en daarmee de communicatie met die ander gestopt heb.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb de ander de schuld te geven van mijn onvermogen te communiceren met iemand waarop ik in weerstand reageer.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me te schamen dat ik zoveel weerstand in mezelf ervaar.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb me te schamen dat ik niet kan communiceren onafhankelijk van de ander.

The fear of making a 'wrong' decision

I notice within myself that I actually never made a 'wrong' decision; it's the doubt that is coming afterwards that is mixing me up. In the moment I see what is best to do, in the moment it's most of times very clear, and than it actually is not a decision anymore but just walking through. But afterwards and before the mind is turning round and round in all the possabilities, going into this over and over again, untill I am totally gone in the mind, overwhelmed by worries. And with these worries also the moment becomes more unclear, having doubts and being afraid to stand up in what is best for all in that moment. And yes than can be made a 'wrong' decision, which is a decision made out of fear. And than again, was this wrong? It was a decision made in/as the mind so that's not best for all. With labeling this as wrong I make another layer of judgement, which makes it more difficult to see next time what to do if I donot forgive myself these judgements. It makes it more difficult to do what's best for all next time because I created another layer of fear, fear of making the 'wrong' decision, a decision out of fear.

It's not about reaching a personal goal; the goal will blind me in the moment because I am busy in future with reaching this goal, and this goal is also created out of memories so out of the past. This is all in/as the mind.
Also wanting to reach a goal that's best for all, but still directed in/as the mind, can create another layer. Some kind of ego that wants best for all, but not being able to really live this as self. With creating this layer I cannot become one and equal as Self, because I suppress other layers in/as the mind with this filantropic ego; most of times egoistic layers that I don't want to see inside myself, or just insecure layers, which are also egoistic, because with being insecure I am not able to stand one and equal as self for what's best for all, hiding behind being 'insecure' which I allow myself to be suppressed by. Without seeing into this egoistic layers they will still direct me in daily life, and this will create unequality soon or late. This hidden layers can become pretty 'dangerous' after long suppression, they want attention and will explode in a moment; they will be the reason for betrayal, betrayal of self as life.

How to see what to do in a moment that a decision is needed? How to see what is best for all as myself?
I saw that I was hiding behind what is best for all, hiding out of fear for not standing alone. I mixed up what is best for all with what is best for 'the one', the one as a partner. In this it seems like I am doing what is best for all, and also the partner sees this as what is best (for him), because the partner wants this. It still is as the mind. Where am I as Self? Is it best for me as Self?
Becoming one and equal as self is the only way to be able to do what is best for all as self. And each one has to see inside themself what is best for self in that moment, because only what is best for self in that moment is best for all in general. The partner willnot confirm me in this because of wanting something else; and I should not ask or want anyone to confirm me. That is what is standing alone; only I can see what is best for myself as all life in every moment, which is best for all life as myself. For this I have to become self-honest. Self-honesty is first taking time to see into the layers of the mind and forgive them, to become one and equal as the mind so I can stand up in this. And here also the mind is resisting which is funny; the filantropic ego is projecting a perfect picture in future of a perfect filantropic life, suppressing the expression of self in the moment out of fear. Creating judgements and doubts with the question why I cannot stand up in this perfect filantropic picture. I want an answer now, the now of consiousness, of something that I will see when I just walk through, which will keep me away from walking through and though I will not see the answer, not live the answer.
In the moment I already have seen what to do, so why am I creating doubts afterwards again? Creating doubts out of the filantropic ego that will judge me as self of being selfish.

This fear of making a wrong decision must be build on that one decision that I have once made as a child, the decision to become one and equal as the mind to protect myself as self, which was not protecting but bringing me into hell. And for this, with every decision that I have to make - I see it as a decision because I am living in/as the mind - I am afraid to come into hell, the hell of the mind that I came into after the decision that I have made as a child, trying to protect myself in a world of inequality.