zaterdag 10 december 2011

"To lay my eyes on you"

Meeting a soullove was a purpose of my life. And yes, last year it finally happened. Actually I was not sure he was my soullove, but it seemed like it. I was also reading about a 'karmic marriage', where you meet again after living several lifes together, to work out some things that were not solved in the past, so actually to work out some information that is stored in the soul.
The being together didnot last for long. The feeling was so intens that I couldnot believe that it was not real. When we were together it was all okay. But actually it all started rushing when he was away. Still struggling inside with this, is this real or not? What if it is real and I donot give it a chance; and what if it is not real and I give up everything else for it. And here I go again, still writing to give up instead of to forgive.

Yersterday we were speaking about the now of consciousness. And I started to see into this. This feeling of bliss, what E.T. also is speaking about. This must be the same as the 'love between two connected souls'.
It was blessed. Growing up in the illusion of the curse, which did stop a few years ago, I thought I would finally find a blessing in this area. And I did.
If there wouldnot have been reason for him to go away last year, I would never have been able to stop this if this enormous feeling did last. It was a bless to meet him, reaching the 'goal' and loosing it, and for that, being able to stop the inequality. This meeting was my personal goal, and if this personal goal had been reached and seemed not able to be lived in reality, than maybe it isnot real?
Really struggling with this also this year, and finally started yesterday with lists of self-forgiveness with the support of my buddy. I couldnot see the trees through the forest anymore.
If one is living in the middle of this bliss, I understand how hard it is to see this as not real, untill the bubble burst apart, forced to see into the illusion.

There is a lot of information about soulloves and meeting one. It's not all bullshit, every story is about how is meeting a socalled soullove is forcing you to start seeing inside yourself. To see that all that the other is fullfilling inside you is actually missing inside yourself. You cannot complete yourself with another one. So many times it isnot possible to live together in reality (which makes clear that it most takes place in the mind).
But it's not the whole story and ofcourse the information about the soul in general isnot complete. It is not equal. Because is meeting another person not always about this? Every person can take the place of a 'soullove' if it is ment to see inside yourself. But we need this overwhelming feeling to start walking together, to start seeing inside our own created illusions. And this keeps us waiting for the loved one, which keeps us enslaved. Geniaal-genitaal.

I didnot know that this whole feeling wasnot real. I more or less defined myself as feeling so than it seems real. And I also didnot know that the soul wasnot real. I believed that the soul was who I am (this believing stopped some time ago). Actually I wasnot sure if he was my soullove or not. The experience still was some kind of faque, not really clear (because it was not real, so there was something not 'round'). But when he went away it was taken out of reality, so it became more and more a mindstory. I wanted to see him again so badly that I made it more and more important. I wanted him to be a soullove, than he must come back to me, I was veiling myself.
I allowed myself to make myself unequal by creating this believe, and with making myself unequal I couldnot see the unequality in the world, because I was living in it. I wanted to be a blessed one who meets her soullove.

Projection via the eyes. This is giving the rush in the mind.
This is what gives all the tension in the body. Consciousness.
I was always seeying through my eyes and that what I did see, I projected on the other thing, person, animal etc. outside me. Yesterday I was looking at Rose (the quinea pig), and I suddenly saw how I was 'laying my eyes on her'. That's disgusting. I knew I was doing this and I felt quilty about this, but I didnot really see it so I could not stop it. This is what I was always hiding for as a little girl, hiding for the eyes of my mother. No words spoken, but alway the eyes on me, like they were stick on me. But because there were no words, she always pretend that she was 'doing nothing'.
Aren't we all doing this? Laying our eyes on something outside ourselves?
I stopped it, and started to see without projecting on her, but kept it in myself and see in it. This immediately gave space. Space to Rose and space inside myself, and space between Rose and me.
With Rose it was easy, I could see myself in her without resistance.
With something I don't like to see it will be more difficult. (Easy-difficult).
With laying my eyes outside myself, I made myself completely empty, and for that I had to fill myself with objects/persons/life outside me.
Laying in bed the area between the eyes was suddenly relaxing (the place of 'the third eye' if I can still use this word), and this gave relaxing in the area just under the sternum. This being conscious every moment totally cramped me inside.
In februari a cat was speaking about this. Don't see the 'loved one' but see yourself, it's not about him. I letterly wanted to see the loved one all the time, to fill this emptyness that I had created by laying my eyes on him, outside myself. I had to see him again and again to complete myself everytime again.
Enslaved.
The now of consciousness makes us completely enslaved to something outside us.

This is giving the experience of being unsafe, being dependent on that what you lay your eyes on (and on the one who lays the eyes on you). For this we have to start to control; I was controling with my eyes, and probably this is what my mother was doing. Trying to control me with her eyes, because she made her life dependent on (her love for) me.
And I made myself dependent on my love for the illusionary soullove. So I had to control him (which I was not able to ofcourse!).
This being dependent gives feelings of shame, and for this, we have to close our eyes, to stop seeing. To not feel the shame of (allowing ourselves of) being a slave all the time.
This being dependent gives feelings of hopelessness inside. Hopelessness, because of the thinking that we cannot change things, because we made ourselves dependent on that what we lay our eyes on. We have to change something outside ourselves, which is not possible.
I can see this in some thoughts inside which are stored in the intestine: "Het heeft geen zin; Ik kan het niet; Er is niets".

This is what I feel being in the house, that we are relating ourselves to each other. This is what is driving me crazy :-).
There is a lot to forgive to become really free of this. Before I knew that I had to forgive but I didnot really see why. Now I can see, it's all about me. All I see is about myself.
This makes applying self-forgiveness more as a pleasure. Before I only saw it as a enormous mountain of work that had to be done, not knowing where to start, not really seeing what I was doing it for, so not seeing myself.
Start being Selfish.

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