poop-express-accept

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be jeaulous at Mike's powerfull shitting. I can only agree with what he is writing; I am having problems with shitting for a long time on and off, and at the moment it's at worse. Right before lesson 4 where the practical applications start. I actually still donot know what that contains; I only see that I am scared to death at the moment, totally paralised inside, because there is no way out. It must be scared to death to apply and express myself. For closing the back doors where I can escape. I was speaking about a metal or iron tube inside my body (as my large intestine feels like at the moment) and Sylvie spoke about Metal, metaal, smeden, plannen smeden; plans to escape. And about Iron and Irony.

A door to escape from being Here. Translated into wanting to move to a different house, different situation, different man. Different large intestine. I cannot live with this intestine anymore. So what am I saying with this? I cannot live with myself anymore as who I am at the moment? I cannot live with this iron tube/irony anymore.
The point is, I donot know how to do it different, what I have to change.
Writing this the hate is coming up. Selfhate. I must start to forgive the selfhate. But I still write 'have to'. I am so hard on myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so hard on myself. So hard that I can't hardly breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so hard on myself that I can't hardly breath.

Metal and Iron:
* Metal is also the element in the Traditional Chinese Medecine that belongs to the lungs and the large intestine. Breathing is absolutely indicated here, and I often 'forget' to breath or even experience an unability to breath 4x4, so that indicates a 'large' (as in large intestine) influence of the mind.
* Iron and Irony. What is ironic? The joke is on me? Fuck I made a totally joke of myself by not taking myself really serious, by not taking self-responsability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so ashamed that I cannot easily poop so that means that I cannot easily apply and express myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to easily apply and express myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that something that I have never learned must go easily.

So actually I have never learned how to poop.
That's something.
Now I understand why parents are giving compliments when the child is doing a poop on the po.
Maybe I have never had a compliment for this.
I only know that I am never affirmed as who I am. I am denied as who I am (as we all are) by giving the example of living through the love of/for another person.

Expressing, pooping (is this a real word, as far as I can see it's a mix of english and dutch), I always related this to my environment, to the love of/for another person? Means I cannot express myself when I 'feel' not safe, not 'loved', and I cannot poop when I feel not safe, not loved.
Not loved by/as myself. Love I didnot redefinate so I will use another word, not....accepted by myself.
I have never accepted myself as who I am. Not as self and not as mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to relate my expression and pooping to the environment I am in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to relate my expression and pooping to the 'love' I experience inside and outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the word love to pooping.
Love I only know as a bliss, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the bliss with pooping, and for I didnot experience life as a bless, I didnot really poop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to experience life as a bless/bliss.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow myself to feel unworthy because I didnot experience life as a bliss.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I was unworthy to live which I translated in unable to poop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel inferior to people who can easily poop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed about feeling inferior and being unable to easily poop for a long time and for that I was hiding it so I also didnot express myself in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not express myself in the pooping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to apply myself and for that to not know what it is to poop as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to do the pooping, instead of seeing that I have to apply, express and forgive myself and with doing this the pooping will come by itself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to push the pooping every morning, and with this I fix the intestine more and more by creating a resistance inside against the pushing, while pushing is of the mind, so after pushing there will be stopping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that I will never be able to have a normal stool.
So I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that I will never be able to apply and express myself as Self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to relieve myself.

Because I cannot relieve myself I am making plans, plannen smeden, to escape, and for that, I always need to have a backdoor, because if I donot have a backdoor than I will die  because than I cannot poop anymore, and if I cannot poop for a longer time I will die.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a worse nightmare in my head about not being able to poop anymore and for this being forced to go to the hospital, while I know that there is no solution, the solution is within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to break down my intestine, to not be 'on time' with seeing and applying the solution within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always plan to have a backdoor, instead of practical apply and express myself in every moment, so I donot need to create ways to escape anymore; not going through the backdoor but standing up.

How can I make a safe environment?
The environment is me; the irony is me. Accepting myself in any moment as who I am in that moment.
To make myself one as and equal to the environment by seeing that everything I see around me is about me, and for that I accept myself; supported by applying self-forgiveness.

To accept, aanvaarden is translated in dutch as accepteren but first as 'to put up with responsability, zich de verantwoordelijkheid laten welgevallen', en welgevallen is 'er niet tegen protesteren'; to not shift away (afschuiven) from the responsability, so to accept, aanvaarden is to not shift away the self-responsability, to take self-responsability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to protest against taking self-responsability.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to work against myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still feel resistance against taking self-responsability.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of resistance against taking self-responsability is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still wait for the feeling to go away before I am standing up, instead of seeing that I have to stop this feeling in and as myself actively.