speechless

"Dus als we onszelf wassen in zelfvergeving en zelfoprechtheid gebruiken om onszelf te observeren--worden we gewaar dat wat we dachten dat zelf was--de geest was--op deze manier--baren we onszelf".

Bernard Poolman

 
The illusion seemed so real that I can hardly breath from seeing into it.
Actually I am speechless.
 
What if everything I ever 'lived for' isnot real?
 
The joke is on me, but I cannot yet see it as a joke.

I notice in myself the resistance against working together.
Using the defenition Sylvie came to in her blog, working together as 'tot gelijke werken'.
This is coming forward out of fear.
Fear for what?
For reactions, meanings, opinions, from others, from myself.
Fear for saying something 'wrong'.
Fear for giving up the ego. For being equal. For not hiding anymore, not able to have secret thoughts anymore, to keep illusions alive. Illusions to hide in, to use as an excuse for not standing up and taking self-responsability.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel resistance against working together as 'tot gelijke werken'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear for reactions, meanings, opinions from others and from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear for saying something wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear giving up my ego as the illusion of being special, and for that keeping alive the illusion for wanting to be with 'someone special', especially for me.
I forgive myself that I ave allowed and accepted myself to believe that there is someone out there especially for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am special, that anyone is or could be special.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep illusions alive to hide in, to use as an excuse for not standing up and taking self-responsability.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear for not being able to have secret thoughts anymore.

And here I go again, I write 'giving up' my ego, instead of forgiving myself as ego as (part of) the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to give up my ego, which is actually similar as giving up myself as ego, which I am not able to ofcourse, so I feel resistance against this, which is keeping the ego more alive, instead of seeing that I can forgive myself as ego as (part of) the mind.

To give up is to seperate from it, which has the opposite effect.
To forgive is to become one as and equal to it, which makes me able to embrace myself as ego as mind and stand up in it.