woensdag 21 december 2011

Communication

I notice that a lot of things I can direct with/through communication.
But than I have to communicate ofcourse.
I actually know this for a long time, but something inside me, even as me, just resist to do this. I resist to communicate.
How did I create this? It has something to do with feeling verongelijkt, aggrieved, unequaled. Because I feel unequaled I keep everything I see inside me. And I see a lot, but I just donot speak and direct. If it is because I feel verongelijkt, than I must have stopped communicating out of spite.
"Find it out for yourself, I am doing nothing (!)", something like that. Refusion.
After accepting the feeling of being aggrieved as real, every communication is about 'wanting to be right',  instead of communicate in equality. Which is very 'tiring'. I donot want to have these discussions as it is not real communication, so I stop all communication and lable communication as tiring. Which makes clear why I am so very tired all the time; tired of my own resistance. I am not able to really see and stand up in this, so I suppress it in my body, in my large intestine. With the consequence of having difficulties with the stool, as written in the last blog. Which is very very tiring;  I make this tiredness fysical.

For opening this door, I first need to stand equal as this feeling of verongelijkt, so as the mind, which is soundable in the speaking with the high voice. And this I really don't like of myself! I did/do not like it of my mother, the speaking within a aggrieved tone, so I probably decided to never do that. And with this 'decision', I blocked myself from speaking up.
With a lot of consequences, which ends in ignorance, which is something I also really don't like. So I created two, or actually three 'qualities' that I really abhored by seeing it when I was growing up:
*  'doing nothing' which uttered in refusing to communicate, to direct;
* and when I finally speak it is with a high aggrieved voice;
* and for getting away of the communication unequally (because I already unequeled myself), I started to ignore people - and with ignoring people I ignore myself -  so I donot have to communicate;
untill I am so challanged that I start speaking, with a high aggrieved voice, or I still refuse to communicate and run away, doing nothing to direct myself.

And with creating this pattern I block myself to speak up as myself, to stand up as myself, which again furthers the three qualities written above by getting really frustrated by seeing everything but being unable to direct myself, to voice myself.
I suppress this so I create it in the body as problems with the large intestine, which again 'worsenes' the pattern because when I feel this pattern in the body, especially in the morning, I am not able to speak and communicate at all, MISerable as I feel in that moment, feeling ashamed of my behaviour and feeling disturbed by every little movement around me. 'Sensitive'; a sensitive, spasmolitical colon with a tendency towards obstipation through resistance.
Which again creates it's own pattern, in being afraid of not being able to poop, wanting to poop and making this wanting to poop the target of the day, which restrain the whole colon again.
Which creates another quality within myself that I don't like:
* restraining with consciousness.
By trying to get away from this restraining with consiousness, I create this in my own body, which makes me unable to get away from it.

How supportive is the fysical body and the created fysical manifestations if we are willing to listen.
And how horrible is the experience of being stuck into this patterns.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to refuse to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the feeling of being aggrieved, verongelijkt, is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow myself being aggrieved.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make communication a way to want to be right because I feel aggrieved, verongelijkt, and for feeling aggrieved I have to be right, ik moet gelijk hebben, instead of communicate in equality, in gelijkheid.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to get away from communication unequally by ignoring people and ignoring myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop communication out of spite.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see everything but I refuse to communicate to direct myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'do nothing' by refusing to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to lable communication as tiring.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become tired of my own resistance to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress this resistance and tiredness in my body, which has it's effect on the large intestine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make this resistance and tiredness fysical with the consequence of having problems with the stool.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from speaking with a high aggrivieved voice, and with this I seperate myself from speaking up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make a decision to never speak with a high aggrieved voice as I heard my mother doing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ignore myself and others by refusing to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel MISerable in the morning by suppressing this pattern into the body, and with this feeling miserable I create another reason for not being able to communicate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about this pattern of refusing to communicate which creates a sensitive spasmolitic colon with a tendency towards obstipation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel disturbed by every little movement around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create another layer/pattern by becoming afraid of not being able to poop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make being able to poop the target of the day.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to restrain the whole colon with this fear and desire to poop.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create the quality of restraining with consciousness in my body by making pooping the target of the day.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create this restrain of consciousness in my body by just trying to get away from this refusing to communicate through making the decision of  never speak with a high aggrieved voice as I heard my mother do, with the consequence of unequaling myself  and suppressing myself as the Living Word.


"here as i look at it in self honesty i see that i can only share what I AM. if i try to share what i believe what i am then i just passing information and knowledge which will definately collide and cause friction in others as well as create debates and fights and games of "who's right""  Szabó Márton

Collide, friction inside the body, manifested as cramps, spasm inside. Information and knowledge of the mind has always a polarity which causes friction.

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