zondag 4 december 2011

Doubt

Speaking out of an emotion. That is speaking of/as the mind ofcourse.
When the other person I speak to is standing on his own feet, he can listen to me and say to me, Ingrid, you are speaking out of emotions. See into this for yourself. When someone is not standing on own his feet, but living for the love for me, he can use this emotion, to not listen but to use it for his own advantage (of the mind), to keep the connection between us. To keep away myself from self, so the connection will remain. To stay alive via the love for me. Because when I am standing up, the other person has no choice but standing up too, or walk away. And than the connection will be broken.
This is why I stopped speaking out of emotions when I was young. I actually stopped speaking at all about anything that made sense in the house, I only spoke about some practical things that were necessary to speak about. At the moment I am in a similar situation.
I let myself deceive yesterday to speak out an emotion, a disappointment to be more specific, and I fall into this pattern. Now I could see what happened in the past.
This speaking out of emotions was actually because of selfdoubt, I wanted to have some confirmation and I wanted to confirm the other person. Out of fear for loosing. So also to keep the connection between us alive. This reacting in his own advantage on my speaking out of emotions was creating more doubts inside me, instead of confirming myself. Ofcourse, searching for confirmation speaking as the mind was giving more doubts as a confirmation of the mind. And for having more doubts I could not speak as self anymore, because that again 'felt' like lying. The mind was in control. I started to share me as the mind, the other person stept in on this lie, I became angry inside (at myself for letting this happen), which is blaming, and I had create a new reason to not stand up as self, to be busy with this pattern of the mind.
So, speaking out of the mind is always laying aside the self-responsability.
To remain in the same situation, in memory, connected, out of fear for loosing.

But where does this self-doubt starts? Actually directly as a child when the mind comes in?  
It seems like a black hole. Where all judgements are hidden? Judgements that I believed to be true, judgements that I believed to be about me? I run away in the mind from this pain of seperation, so run away from seperation into seperation. Very effective.

When I think I have a choice I am in/as the mind. One and equal as self I have no choice so no doubt.

From day one there were doubts about the situation I am in, it started self-dishonest. Trying to make it honest but still of the mind, so things started turning around and around. Within this the ability to walk through relationship-issues, patterns. Until I could see clearly, there is no choice, there is only one way. Everything that is coming up as a doubt I can see into and apply self-forgiveness to, until I can walk through.

Also these last few blogs seem turning around and around. I cannot see clearly. Self-doubt.

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