maandag 2 januari 2012

Loneliness - alleen staan - 4

I started to write out all s.f. on standing alone, alleen staan. To see what layers I put upon being together with m.
After 3 long lists, he was pushing the point (as I was pushing the point) of living together in one house by starting with rebuilding things in the house, and some weeks before we spoke about this, to wait with this about 2-3 months.
I spoke again with him about this, and he said he was afraid that he couldnot wait any longer.
Inside myself the same fear, that we both will push this point till 'no way back'.
He found another room today, and I am looking for another small house too.
I noticed in myself that I could not take any action to stop him from going away.
Am I sure about this? No, I am busy with seeing into this.
But I have to trust my actions in the moment, and in the moment there was/is no action to stop this change.

The point that I was living in when I met him 10 months ago: loneliness.
The point that is coming up extremely: loneliness.
Like I am staring in a big black hole. The black hole where within I as life exist?
I started desteni when m was here, and I don't know if I can make it without him.
I know I can, but I experience extremely sadness and fear.
He was kind of standing behind me what was pushing me; because of him standing there I could not fall back or lay down.
He was my back up.
But I cannot allow myself to stay with someone as a back up.
Somewhere I notice that the relation with him is keeping me connected to the illusion of light as life, to the cycle of sex and propagation, the cycle of nature, as a navel-string.
Am I quiting with the enslavement for (longing for) relationships?

We walked through some points in a short time. Which is cool.
I could see into the 'desire of having a baby' and stop this;  he could stop drinking alcohol and took responsability in work which makes himself financial stable so he can stay in Holland if he wants; I have seen myself creating the construct that I have been stuck in my whole life and seen into my own reactions based upon this construct and start taking self-responsability in this, which I have to apply practical.
I 'finally' see that I have to stop all reactions inside myself, without expecting the other person to stop this.

The point of loneliness is my biggest fear; I cannot go on in a relationship when this is laying underneath; than I am never able to walk the relationship into an agreement because I am not able to really stand alone without fear. Can I walk through this point while I am living together in a house?
This point of loneliness is directly connectioned to relationships, so this is the same point that I want to stop: relationships, which is a construct of the mind.

http://www.desteni.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=293:het-ontwerp-van-eenzaamheid&catid=52:hetontwerp&Itemid=264
(The design of loneliness).

I have to stay here and focus on breath, it's the only way I can pass the day (pass the day instead of live the day, I am still passing the days; yeah, another day, I made it through the day, which is out of survival).

Most of pain is created through doubt: can I also do this with m here together in the house?
This is the question from the beginning; this is what I am seeing into for 8-10 months already.
I still have doubts; fearing loneliness when going to another house, and fearing to be stuck when staying in the house. And most of all the dear of making a wrong decision (see the other blog).

I made a picture in my mind of  'what would be best for all live' out of the mind, and now I am disappointed in myself that I cannot live this picture that I created. It was created in/as the mind, so I am not able to live this. As soon as I could see this the sadness was going away. So the sadness is coming out of the idea that I failed, which is coming out of the mind/soulconstruct: failing lessons, connected to the fear to circle around this point forever to 'learn' the lesson.

I donot have to step into the experience of loneliness anymore, undependent in what situation I am, with or without man in a house. I donot have to live alone again to step into this, and it will not be automatically the 'right choice' to stay together because I donot have to step into the experience of loneliness anymore. All these connections are creating layer upon layer, which makes it difficult to see what is real, what is best for all in this moment.

Self-doubt
All these connections, created in and as the mind creates self-doubt.
All these connections create seperation from self and also new seperation in and as the mind.

I can walk the same process that I started with, to forgive all layers that I created upon being together with m. I donot have to stop this because m maybe goes away before I have a clear sight. This going away is part of the process. I let go the control some days ago, by stopping all my reactions towards m, taking responsability for all my reactions inside myself, so I can see what will remain, and every 'outcome' will be okay; I can stand up in it because it is not about the outcome, it is about me standing up in every situation that I am in, without going into self-judgement but applying self-forgiveness to open the structures. Than I will be able to apply corrective statements to make a real change in practical life.

Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb nog niet in 1 huis te kunnen wonen met een man zonder een energetische verbinding aan te gaan in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf veilig te voelen in een energetische verbinding in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb te geloven dat dit veilig voelen echt veilig is, terwijl ik vanaf de geboorte heb ervaren hoe onveilig het is te leven in een energetische verbinding in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb deze ogenschijnlijke, onveilige veiligheid te verkiezen boven het onbekende, aangezien het onbekende als onveilig wordt ervaren in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb het onbekende als onveilig te ervaren en te definieren en mezelf daarmee in de bekende onveiligheid houdt, in en als de mind.
Ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan en aanvaard heb mezelf in de onveiligheid in en als de mind te houden.

Living in the house together keeps the energetic connection occupied, so I am not longing for another energetic connection with a man, and at the same time there is so much resistance between m and me that I couldnot 'loose' myself in him, so I am able to stay within myself.
But these two points are also the reason for wanting to go to another house, because in this situation we are not standing alone and I am 'wondering' if we are able to walk this through together. He doesnot see what is standing alone, or maybe doesnot want this yet, and my resistance is too high as a reaction on this to stay in the house Which is also about standing alone.
What I experience all the time: I don't want to stay together.
Is this self-will or will as the mind, created out of polarity? He wants, I don't want.

The resistance in the mind is overruling the practical being together more and more, until only resistance has been left between us. Facing reality, the reality of the mind.
When I have the possability of going away I can let go of this resistance, but with this it's not 'away', it's not forgiven and corrected inside myself.
I feel responsable for m. He is still saying that he has no purpose to live for if he must go to another house.
Must he step into deep water and learn to swim, or must I stay here, take responsability for him as myself and see if I can become a living example, until he is able to stand alone to see what to live for as I am able to stand alone without reacting, no matter what the other person lives as? Is this responsability as the mind or as self?
Which situation is best for myself as all life? In which situation I can stand alone?
Probably in both, so this whole mindrush is creacting another layer of confusion creating energy, which keeps me away from being here.

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