maandag 2 januari 2012

The fear of making a 'wrong' decision

I notice within myself that I actually never made a 'wrong' decision; it's the doubt that is coming afterwards that is mixing me up. In the moment I see what is best to do, in the moment it's most of times very clear, and than it actually is not a decision anymore but just walking through. But afterwards and before the mind is turning round and round in all the possabilities, going into this over and over again, untill I am totally gone in the mind, overwhelmed by worries. And with these worries also the moment becomes more unclear, having doubts and being afraid to stand up in what is best for all in that moment. And yes than can be made a 'wrong' decision, which is a decision made out of fear. And than again, was this wrong? It was a decision made in/as the mind so that's not best for all. With labeling this as wrong I make another layer of judgement, which makes it more difficult to see next time what to do if I donot forgive myself these judgements. It makes it more difficult to do what's best for all next time because I created another layer of fear, fear of making the 'wrong' decision, a decision out of fear.

It's not about reaching a personal goal; the goal will blind me in the moment because I am busy in future with reaching this goal, and this goal is also created out of memories so out of the past. This is all in/as the mind.
Also wanting to reach a goal that's best for all, but still directed in/as the mind, can create another layer. Some kind of ego that wants best for all, but not being able to really live this as self. With creating this layer I cannot become one and equal as Self, because I suppress other layers in/as the mind with this filantropic ego; most of times egoistic layers that I don't want to see inside myself, or just insecure layers, which are also egoistic, because with being insecure I am not able to stand one and equal as self for what's best for all, hiding behind being 'insecure' which I allow myself to be suppressed by. Without seeing into this egoistic layers they will still direct me in daily life, and this will create unequality soon or late. This hidden layers can become pretty 'dangerous' after long suppression, they want attention and will explode in a moment; they will be the reason for betrayal, betrayal of self as life.

How to see what to do in a moment that a decision is needed? How to see what is best for all as myself?
I saw that I was hiding behind what is best for all, hiding out of fear for not standing alone. I mixed up what is best for all with what is best for 'the one', the one as a partner. In this it seems like I am doing what is best for all, and also the partner sees this as what is best (for him), because the partner wants this. It still is as the mind. Where am I as Self? Is it best for me as Self?
Becoming one and equal as self is the only way to be able to do what is best for all as self. And each one has to see inside themself what is best for self in that moment, because only what is best for self in that moment is best for all in general. The partner willnot confirm me in this because of wanting something else; and I should not ask or want anyone to confirm me. That is what is standing alone; only I can see what is best for myself as all life in every moment, which is best for all life as myself. For this I have to become self-honest. Self-honesty is first taking time to see into the layers of the mind and forgive them, to become one and equal as the mind so I can stand up in this. And here also the mind is resisting which is funny; the filantropic ego is projecting a perfect picture in future of a perfect filantropic life, suppressing the expression of self in the moment out of fear. Creating judgements and doubts with the question why I cannot stand up in this perfect filantropic picture. I want an answer now, the now of consiousness, of something that I will see when I just walk through, which will keep me away from walking through and though I will not see the answer, not live the answer.
In the moment I already have seen what to do, so why am I creating doubts afterwards again? Creating doubts out of the filantropic ego that will judge me as self of being selfish.

This fear of making a wrong decision must be build on that one decision that I have once made as a child, the decision to become one and equal as the mind to protect myself as self, which was not protecting but bringing me into hell. And for this, with every decision that I have to make - I see it as a decision because I am living in/as the mind - I am afraid to come into hell, the hell of the mind that I came into after the decision that I have made as a child, trying to protect myself in a world of inequality.

2 opmerkingen:

  1. Cool Ingrid
    self honesty = self trust = self expression

    Seems doubts are only mind-distractions to not move as the certainty of who we are and what we see is common sense in the moment that we are breathing - just Here, clear. Thanks for sharing