In morning I experience an enormous rush inside my head.
Before it was only a large, vaque experience of being uncomfortable which is more or less underlined by the easyness or uneasyness of the stool, or sometimes just a feeling of happyness as polarity.
I start stopping my reactions towards m, not projecting anymore what I experience inside myself. And I start seeing that it's all backchat from what I was reacting as. It has specific moments during day. In morning after waking up 2-3 hours, untill 10.00, and in evening again, less violent, around 17.00-19.00.
Within this backchat-rush, I am not able to communicate in a 'normal' way. So I pull myself back, closing doors and see inside what the backchat is. It's overwhelming, a real attack towards myself within myself. Within this I start to compare myself within my process to m within his process for example, and I forget to be equal as myself. In this comparing I experience an emotion of being really unsatisfied, with backchat why I put myself in a situation like this. And this with some variations on this theme. If I donot stay inside myself and see into this, I start projecting my process at m, because I want him to be as unsatisfied as I am. Within this I forget that I choose to walk this process within me at this moment, and this 'heavyness' of seeing in all the shit inside myself more than most others see inside themselves at the moment, if I can describe it like this, is part of it. Actually it has been part of my whole life, and now I start seeing into this.
In the middle of the backchat period it's like I am never coming out of this. This is what is enlarging the backchat, the thought that this will last forever, projecting on the situation I live in; that this situation - that I connect with my experience that I have participating in the backchat - will last forever. So what do I want? To get out of this situation! Making plans to move houses and different variations of this. Anything that can get me out of this.
If I come through this time, writing, sitting with myself, after this it suddenly stops, like a cloud that goes away from the sun. And after this I am able to communicate without being angry. If I donot stay inside myself during this hours, if I start projecting, I create a lot of turmoil, discussing with m, forcing him to see things what I have to see inside myself, making him angry too, and being unable to stop untill he 'sees what I mean', or even ending up with the line 'that I am not sure if I want to stay in the house because of this sitiuation every day' (which I just created myself with projecting my backchat). After this I can also start seeing that it was all about me, but the rest of the day is more heavy than, because we are both tired of this fight, creating more experiences of quilt towards self and each other.
This is the 'heavyness' of taking full responsability for/as myself, undependent on how much responsability the other person is taking/able to take at the moment.
The other person has to be equal within his/her process, not with mine.
I have to be(come) equal with my process within myself. Within myself being unsatisfied in the situation, untill I see that it's not the situation that makes me experiencing this, it's the backchat, the self-judgement that is making me experiencing unsatisfied with myself through comparing myself to others during my whole life.
If I force myself to communicate in every moment of the day, also in this 'back-chat' period, I am projecting an ideal future situation on to-day, me being able to share in every moment. With this I would create another suppression with the mind because I cannot satisfy to this ideal.
(Within this translation into english I see immediately how I become so very unsatisfied, being unable to satisfy to the ideal pictures that I created for myself).
So at the moment, I stay apart from others during the backchat, first being 'together' with myself, facing myself in any uncomfortable way to become equal and one with myself in this discomfort, becoming here in reality, instead of being there, trying to satisfy to the ideal pictures that I created within myself.