zondag 29 januari 2012

2012 - Fear and Under-standing - blog 1/fear

Being at work, another person 'X' came walking in who is working near bye; X is copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this. I walk away upstairs, and when I am upstairs (we can still see each other, it's open), I say, "we are not doing this, we are not making fun of each other behind their back". X say, "that's humor, the humor is on the street". I say "no, this is no humor, this is ridiculing another person". X walks out.

This is keeping me busy the next week. Two days of working I want to go to the X and speak about it, but there are some customers coming and I decide to stay. The third day in morning I close the door and walk to X. I ask if X understand (!) what I was saying that day. X is angry and deeply hurted by what I said, I was patronizing X said X. At the moment it happened X 'could kill me'. Especially the walking away and the look on my face hurted X. I said that the walking away was not ok, I did that because I was scared to speak up. That's why I come back now. Well I am not going into more details; X pulls a line and don't want to speak with me anymore about principles that are best for all as this is 'my opinion'.

This would have happened anyway; it was not the first time that we spoke about this kind of things with some struggling between us.

The point is:

The walking away and the look on my face.
Both were coming forward out of fear. I walked away because I fear speaking up, and the look on my face and tone of my voice was angry because I fear speaking up. And this is what was 'hurting' X (as it triggered old pain in X, X told me). I wonder if X even heard the words I spoke; the walking away and look on my face were triggering X.
Both were coming forward out of fear. Fear of me speaking up. And the actions and expressions out of fear are giving reactions, not the words I speak. And X 'wanted to kill me' out of fear.
Fear on fear.
There must be a thought inside me before I walk away.
A thought like "I am not going to participate in this".

Second point:

The 'under-standing'.
I asked X to understand me. And this I do every time, I try to make the other person understand me and I certainly have tried to understand all the other people. Which is not standing equal as life. Understanding is always as the mind, and thus always unequal, some one has to under-stand.
Why? Also out of fear. I stand inferior upon myself, I under-stand myself as the mind, and for this the other person must under-stand me, because I already stand inferior so the other person must also stand inferior to myself and understand me as the mind.

Thought:
"Ik ga hier niet aan meedoen"; "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without seeing inside herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without seeing inside herself.

Trigger-point:
X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this to the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let X walking in and copying the person who is bringing the post and laughing about this exist as a triggerpoint within me, which triggers the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking' over people without wanting to see inside herself.

Type of thought:
Resistance (out of fear)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist (out of fear) to participate in a situation where X is walking over people without seeing inside herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist resistance (out of fear) to participate in a situation where X is walking over people without seeing inside herself within and as me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Perplexity

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I am not going to participate in this"; I am not going to participate in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself to an emotional experience of perplexity.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of perplexity.

Why do I connect an emotion of perplexity to the thought "I am not going to participate in this"?
I experience an emotion of perplexity because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and actually making a joke of herself instead of making a joke of the person who is bringing the post; making jokes of others is always making a joke of self, projected on others.
This not seeing into self of another person is fearing me. I experience this like X is walking over me and I experience being a victim in this. It's squeezing my throat, as I am not allowed to speak up; as I speak up X has done with me, I am kicked out, no longer allowed to participate. So how do I react, I resist to participate myself and walk away.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an emotional experience of perplexity out of fear because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and making a joke of herself as making jokes of others is always projecting the joke of self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist to participate in this because I cannot believe that X can walk in like this copying another person without seeing that X is projecting and making a joke of herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an emotional experience of fear when another person is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into an experience of being a victim when X is not seeing into self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that X can 'walk over me'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge X, which is coming forward out of fear, for walking over people without seeing inside herself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that X can squeeze my throat.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being kicked out as I speak as myself, to fear to no longer be allowed to participate, as I see now that this participating is participating in the rules of society which are the rules of the mind, which are always unequal; I do not need them any longer to survive, I can stand on my own feet, I can stand in equality as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist participating in a situation where X is 'walking over people' without wanting to see inside herself, and with resisting participating I create myself that what I fear: that I am kicked out and no longer be allowed to participate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create myself a situation where I am 'kicked out', to not be allowed to participate anymore, by resisting to participate in a situation myself and walk away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away out of a situation that I fear, and with walking away out of fear, I go into the mind, into fear, out of the physical reality; with this going into the mind I make myself a victim of the situation, I make myself as self dependent = victim of the mind as fear, and with this I give the power to the mind, to the situation, to X who is speaking in/as the mind. In the mind nothing can be walked through, only in the physical reality we are able to walk through points as self.

Type of fear:
Fear of loose, and within this fear of death, as I believe that the connection to the other person (in this case X) will keep me alive as the connection to the mind will keep me alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have an angry face out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear speaking as myself, and because I fear speaking as myself, I walk away and I put on an angry face.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect 'speaking as myself' to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being kicked out when I speak as myself, no longer allowed to participate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect 'being kicked out when I speak as myself, no longer allowed to participate' to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear loosing the connection to another person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect loosing the connection to another person as connection in/as the mind to keep me alive to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death when the connection to the other person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive stops.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect stopping the connection to other person as the connection in/as the mind to keep me alive to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in the tendency to walk away out of resistance to participate into a situation where another person is walking over other people without seeing into self, I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I want to walk away because I fear to speak up as myself because I have had experiences where speaking as myself has the consequences of me being kicked out of the connection to another person in/as the mind.
I realize that this connection in/as the mind to another person is not real; I don't need this connection in/as the mind to be alive as self; this connection in/as the mind will keep me away from Self from Life.
I breathe, I stand still. I put my two hands together to keep myself Here in the physical. I see into the situation in breathing. Within this breathing I see what words are coming up. Within this breathing I can speak these words that are coming up as self. If no words are coming up, this is ok. I just keep on breathing and stand still in the middle of the situation. When there are reactions coming up inside I can see into this later and apply s.f on it. In the moment I just breathe through the reactions inside.
I realize that the other person is not walking over me or over another person, the other person is projecting out of fear of seeing into self. If I walk away out of fear of the other person, I only affirm this fear, in the other person and in me, and with affirming fear I affirm the mind, which keeps us prison in fear. Any reaction that is coming up is out of fear so out of the mind who is afraid of stopping to exist, so afraid of dying.
I stop this. I do not allow myself as mind to fear dying by loosing the connection to the mind, as living in/as the mind is not really Living, it's surviving on energy that is running out, and this is giving fear.
I stop, I breathe. I remain within silence as myself as Life. This Silence as Breath as mySelf is the only thing that is really Alive.

Word:
Under-standing.

I am used to almost understand everything; the only thing that I really do not understand is if people do not know what it is to use common sense. Within this I 'fail' in understanding as the mind and thus I can see that understanding as the mind is limited.
I used understanding to 'grip' things and situations in/as the mind. To make myself equal as the mind as the others mind, to try to find equality in/as the mind which I defined as being alive. Which is limited.
Understanding in/as the mind brings forward inferiority, because 'I understand more' than the other, or vice versa. I used it to feel superior by understanding everything, and with this I stand inferior upon myself as Life.
This is coming forward out of not trusting myself standing as self as I do not have the experience what it is to be alive as self as breath without having connections to/in/as the mind.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Defenition:
To understand - to know, to hear, begrijpen.
Begrijpen - met het verstand vatten, doorzien.

accept, apprehend, be aware, be conscious of, be with it, catch, catch on, conceive, deduce, discern, distinguish, explain, fathom, figure out, find out, follow, get the hang of, get the idea, get the picture, get the point, get*, grasp, have knowledge of, identify with, infer, interpret, ken, know, learn, make out, make sense of, master, note, penetrate, perceive, possess, read, realize, recognize, register, savvy*, see, seize, sense, sympathize, take in*, take meaning, tolerate

Antonyms: misinterpret, misunderstand

Origin and history:
O.E. understandan "comprehend, grasp the idea of," probably lit. "stand in the midst of," from under + standan "to stand" (see stand). If this is the meaning, the under is not the usual word meaning "beneath," but from O.E. under, from PIE *nter- "between, among" (cf. Skt.

Among: te midden van, tussen, bij,
(be) among: behoren tot/belong to

This makes: stand in the midst of; stand among; stand by
------------------------------------------------------------

Stand, I can't stand it as it is 'unbearable', which is unbearable in/as the mind.
For this I under-stand, because it is unbearable what I see in reality, so I try to understand it; to make myself smaller to 'belong to' the person who is living in/as the mind to survive.
And within this trying to make the unbearable inequality equal in/as the mind.

Positive charge and negative charge - polarity:
I feel better when I use the word when understanding is mutual as this mutual understanding gives a connection in/as the mind which I defined as being alive; positive charge.
I feel tired and desperate if another person doesnot understand me, which I on my turn do not understand.
This gives fear, because the connection in/as the mind between me and the other person is not 'standing', and thus the connection to the defenition I gave to being alive is not there; negative charge.

I refuse to stand equal to this inequality and instead of standing equal I run away in the mind, manifested in real life as running away out of situations. I make myself inferior to the situation, I under-stand myself and the other. Within this I can never stand up in it, because I am inferior to the situation as the mind; I allow the mindsystem from myself and others to suppress me.

I am 'searching' for a point that happens in this situation as I still don't 'understand' (!) what happen exactly.
With this searching I am waiting to with stopping this pattern, which is an excuse of the mind to stand up, using again the understanding.

New defenition:
To stand in the midst of the situation as self, using common sense to see what is being said in the moment

When I apply this in this situation than what happens:
Instead of walking away when X is walking in, copying the person who brings the post and making jokes of her, I stand in the midst of the situation as self. Because I stand as self, I do not need to walk away; I keep standing in/as myself. I stand as myself in the midst of the situation. So I am Here, because I do not walk away physically, and I am Here, because I stand as self, so I do not walk away in the mind, and so I do not make myself inferior as the mind.

When I stand in the midst of the situation as self I remain Here. Within this I breathe and see what words are coming up as self.

1 opmerking:

  1. Very cool, Ingrid! One point to consider in Self-Forgiveness as well with this particular event - is that you reacted to the situation as a whole: meaning, you reacted to the person being ridiculed and you reacted to the person ridiculing. So - something you can do is to bring both points back to self - eg: 1. does a fear exist within you of being ridiculed as well as: 2. have you made fun of other people behind their backs before and therefore, in seeing X do it, projected how you feel towards yourself due to this point, unto X.

    BeantwoordenVerwijderen