It's not the situation that is keeping me into resistance, it's the free choice of the mind, or actually the mind who thinks there is a free choice, that is splitting me up every day.
As soon as the situation optional changes, my mind differs it's view. And if I agree with the situation, I can live in it. (I am not speaking about situations where the physical is suffering or where other abuse is happening - except my own abuse in/as the mind lol).
So, the free choice, which is actually not a real free choice because it's in and as the mind, is giving the suffering. And the resistance/suffering that is coming up is because I (as the mind) donot want to give up this free choice that is not even real. How mixed up is that.
To come through this resistance, I have to take this 'seriously'. If I am just knowing that it's not real and want to push myself through without caring for myself, I will create more resistance. So, taking it seriously, not as being real as something that must remain in reality, but as being real as it have been remained for a long time as who I am. If I donot take care of this as a part of that I've become, I throw myself of my own feet. That's what I usually did, just throw everything away because it is not real. I saw this as the only way to get out of the illusion; this was the only way I knew to not get stricked in a situation. But with stepping out of every situation I still get stricked in the situation in my own mind. And I need to get away everytime I feel I got stricked, which is actually stricked in/as the mind. Survival-mode, running away to survive in a system based on/as the mind. It still makes me dependent on the situation, because I have to step out of it. In the end this gives isolation, because every situation will get stricked me as I have build up this pattern inside myself. So I create these 'stricking' situations by running away, like a string that is getting more narrow everytime I try to get out. And the possability to step out of the situation, that is the 'free choice' that I created for myself.
Another point I see is that I didnot want to see into things, because I believed that if I see a point, it will remain forever. I have done many s.f. on aspects of being together in the house, related to going away and related to staying. One day I really believed to go away and next day I really believed to stay. Seeing into the thoughts, feelings and emotions didnot make them reality. It's turned around; not seeing into the mind is giving the mind a chance to recreate the old patterns, to make them reality.
The other reason that I am creating so much stress as conflict inside myself is because of the money. The idea of not being financial independant anymore is freaking me out at the moment.
So, two points that created conflict:
Free choice, which is in/as the mind
Money, which is in/as the mind.
This two aspects take away all freedom;
I allowed to let these two aspects take away all freedom.
That's funny isn't it, free choice, which we see as freedom, takes away all freedom.
Money, where we need to buy freedom with, takes away all freedom.
The sad situation of the world we accepted and allowed ourselves to live in.
Under this there is a lack of self-trust. Not knowing how to change things and for that, not daring to see into the options; "I donot want to see into what I am not able change: myself".
Free choice is not directing me as self but it's protecting me in a world of seperation, which keeps me away of self-will. Free choice is the seperation, and within this seperation this free choice as seperation seems the only way to survive, survival of/as/in the mind by creating an illusion of freedom to survive in the prison of our own mind. The mind is living by the sake of free choice, and to continue in/as the mind the free choice has to be continued, otherwise I as the mind disappear.
(Thanks to Marlin and Marcus for the vlogs that supported me to see into this).
To see how you can become able to change yourself to change the world
To support a world in equality, starting with equal money for everyone.