discipline

I am not disciplined. I am disciplined as the mind, but not as self. Not really.
I thought I was disciplined. Which made me arrogant to people who were not disciplined as the mind.
I didnot understand why I got the mirror of not being able to discipline, of not being able to move myself.
Now I can see. My mind was hiding this with a layer, a very thin layer actually.
Now I can see. Why I felt always being afraid of  'falling through the basket'.
I was hiding this under a thin layer of discipline. 'It may not be seen'.
I have felt this a thousand times. Every time going into this emotion, into this tear. Which was functioning as a releave for a while. But it did not solve anything. It remained 'there'.
Now I see why I couldnot stand up. 
The pain in my intestine. A feeling of helplessness. Pulling me down into eternal oblivion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am helpless.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hide this feeling of being helpless.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be arrogant to other people who are not disciplined as the mind, instead of seeing that we are one and equal as life, all not yet able to discipline ourselves as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into this tear time after time, instead of stopping this emotion because with going into this emotion I remain the same and create only more frustration.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stay in eternal oblivion, instead of seeing that I am the only one who is keeping me into this oblivion, so I am the only one who can stand up in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the eternal oblivion is real, instead of seeing that this is an illusion, created by the white light to keep mankind enslaved.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself and others by being arrogant, to suppress with the discipline of the mind, instead of seeing that this discipline is not real, it's only creating an eggshell of hardness (there is the eggshell), it's only suppressing life more.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create and use the discipline as the mind to survive in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to move myself as self, but only to force myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to force myself and others as the mind by using discipline as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself with the believing that I was disciplined.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let myself down everytime again in this illusion of eternal oblivion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to got ensnared in the experience of 'again and again', not able to stop this circle of repetition.

("Again, weer, het weer? The weather?" The weather as reflection of the repetition, creating more and more energy, turbulence?).