zondag 23 oktober 2011

care-money-love

To care is very close to worry. Making worries.
And what is the only thing that we actually really make worries about?

MONEY

This morning I could see how this had manifested in the familyline.
My grandmother was always making worries about a lot of things, and most of it about having enough money. She has lived in war with very little food.
After this, as long as I knew her, there was always enough money. More than enough. But untill she died, she didnot want for example to take a taxi for one time because she didnot know if there was enough money to do this.
I knew this patron of making worries was going on inside me, I could see it in myself. For example, I don't take a taxi for one time, also not if I have the money and must walk and hitchhike to come home.
(So you see, I prefer a 'free' taxi. Keeping the money in my pocket :-) ).
It seems a waist to me (which it is many times, but that's another point).

My mother was 'caring for' me, so actually 'caring' or worrying for herself, and my whole life I have been angry about the stifling effect that I have allowed this to have on me.
I can finally see how the worries/stifling caring of my mother are a direct consequence of the worries about having enough money. Because, what is the substitute for making worries about money?

LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

We have to create many relationships to make sure there is always someone who 'takes care' of us.
We must 'love' the other person to make sure that we have something to eat and a place to stay.
And within this, love can be and will be used for manipulation.
If you don't love me, I don't love you, and than you have to go away and I donot give you food/money anymore. It's your 'choice'. Your 'free choice'. uhu.

You will deny this, you will say, no, I really love you.
But we are all equal and one in this, we all have this moneysystem in our genes, and we all are still enslaved by the mind, untill we free ourselves from this. Free ourselves from the enslavement to the mind on the base of an equal moneysystem.
So the love that you are so sure about is not pure. Because there is fear for not having enough money/food if you donot love another or if the other person donot love you anymore.

Seeing into this stops being angry about it. I can forgive myself and my mother for allowing and accepting this.

"Caring only happens when there is no scare or scar" -Bernard-

http://www.equalmoneysystem.org/

I see the same thing happening in my own situation.
M. tells me from the beginning I love you I love you I love you.
And I am saying stop this, it's not real, I don't love you.
(Polarity).

I donot want a relationship with him as the situation is now, but living as roommates is actually going very well from the beginning.
I lived alone in a house where you can live in with a 4-5 person-family. On the other site of the street they live with 10 people in it (which is actually too much). He has no home here. Than what must I say, okay you have to go now because I don't love you? It's your choice?
I asked him the question very clearly, I said, I donot want a relationship. Do you still want to live here?
Immediately he said yes. And this is what I actually was seeing from the beginning but what was fuzzled: he doesnot want me, he wants a place to stay.
Does he really have a choice in this? Do I really have a choice in this without creating a lot of consequences by sending a person away because I don't love him?

How can we ever become equal when I have the possability to kick him out of the house everytime?
This is what the polish people here in Holland all are manipulated with: if they don't 'behave', which means if they don't behave like a slave, they are kicked out of job but also out of the house. And without job and house they have to go back to Polen. (How the situation there is I have no insight in but I know that they many are coming here to find a job and make money. Which ofcourse is also not a real solution).

Okay back to myself. Because, I was afraid to say that I didnot want a relation with him but that I do want him to live here as roommates. Afraid that he would run away if I don't love him.

No choice. Facing the fact that love in relation doesnot really exist, that I am not living with a boy that I 'feel love' for, as feeling is an illusion of the mind.
Roommates is just a name, the points will come to the surface anyway.
This is what I have no choice in. I have to see into all the points that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by on the mind.

In theory this is simple. In practical daily life it's 'difficult'.

Difficult.
It's the thing that I always heard as a child. You are always doing so difficult.
Strange isn't it?
All the mindstructures are inside, parents donot take responsability so the child got all the structures from the whole familyline, all the 'difficulties' that no one dare to see into. What would you expect from a child? To be 'easy' with this? The child is maken difficult by the mindstructures. The mind is making things difficult, not the child itself is difficult. This is what everyone has to stand up in. Also the child has to take responsability.
But don't put another layer on it by saying that the child is (doing) difficult.

And that's what I am experiencing in the house now. That I make things difficult.
M. is putting his mind between us, he thinks to hear what I say and for that he is not listening to what I really say. And he sais, ya ya Ingrid.
I notice he doesnot understand me. So I say something about it. And than he says, "Iiiiiingrid, Pleeeaaase". On a very hushing tone. Does he see into this? No. After this he says, I go smoking a sigaret. Every time again.

This is what really makes me angry. I have to stop this reaction.
How can I live with a person who cannot see into this? When every conversation is a battle instead of communication?
What can I not see into?
This makes to want me to go back to sleep again. This is the structure that I allowed to keep me down. It feels like gummy dreads inside.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am doing difficult.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I make things difficult when I try to see into the structures that are under the surface.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am doing difficult when I don't play the game of hushing each other.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do play the game of hushing each other.

It has something to do with the love-relation that I don't want to let go.
I want to live with the boy that I feel love for.
Does he feel love for me? I have no idea.
Writing this, I see that this doesnot really matter. The feeling of love is very egoistic. If I feel good, oh my god if I feel 'God', than it's okay. I don't really care how the other person is feeling.

This is the shit that is under the surface. I want to feel Good, I want to feel God.
A sentence completely as the mind. I as the mind want as the mind (free will) to feel which is the mind God which is the mastermind.

Does M has a chance in this? Am I listening to him when I put this mind-picture between us?
Do I see now what my part is?
I do exactly the same. I put the mind in between which gives no chance for communication as equal and one.
With this, I am making it difficult.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can live with the man that I feel love for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that feeling love is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to feel good without 'caring' about how things are for the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put the mind between M and me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this point on M.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become angry when M reflects this point to me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself smaller than the mind when I become angry, and for this I cannot stand up in this situation, and that's what is putting me down and makes me want to sleep.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on my own reactions so on the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with this feelings and emotions.

No not the mind of the other person is fixing me, but my own reactions as feelings and emotions on the mind of the other person is what is fixing me. The gummy dreads inside.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the mind of the other person can fix me, and for that I become so angry 'at the other person', instead of seeing that I fix myself by going into this reaction as emotion, and that's why I become angry, at myself, for fixing myself with my own reaction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with going into my own reaction.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself with this feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this emotions and feelings are real.

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