dinsdag 4 oktober 2011

Expression-1

Reading the article of Osho: Isolation.

I am sleeping 6 hours now and the point of expression is coming op. The pain of the suppression of expression. The feeling of being paralised, paralised by the mind, manifested in particular parts in the body.

In morning I as the mind am so tired that it gives feelings of hurt in the body. Complaints in the body are coming to the surface, the mind is going into resistance. I feel ashamed of  "feeling weak" because the cramping of the large intestine is getting worse. I cannot really breathe and I cannot really poop.

I am working and have studied in the world of natural medicine, I live healthy, I reflect inside myself 'for a long time', I started to walk the process within Desteni, and I am absolutely not 'glowing'!
Glowing is the 'glowing of energy', so that will stop; but I don't have the words and the courage to express this at this moment. So I hide myself.
I am still not sure that I can solve this within myself. I am sure and I am not sure. Polarity which keeps me busy.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must be 'healthy and glowing' because I work with natural medicine for a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to create an ego by investigating various areas of the natural medicine.

I cannot go 'back' to sleep, as the mind will reload and suppress the points again, suppress me as self again. So, I have to walk through, breathe through, and see into this.
Everything inside me is in panic, as the cramping is showing.

What is coming up every morning?

"I don't know what to do with this day. I don't have 'sense' ".
When I look this up into the dictionary there are translations of sense like: 'meaning' (which belongs to the mind), 'soulability' (which belongs to the soul; ability! means no sense as I am not able as a soul).
"I don't have sense", which actually is "it makes no sense".
It didnot make sense because it was all coming from the mind. So it was an illusion. And illusions are not constant, so they don't make sense at all.
In the video's of Desteni this is often used: "make sense".
Do I as Self have to become the Sense of Life? As the Living Word?

Next word: I don't know how. I don't know how to walk through this pain in the body. How is also a word that is misleading, it's a word of the mind. The mind first needs to see how and than it will do it. And if I (as the mind) don't see how, I can never do something. So I am stuck, stuck by the allowing of the mind to do this inside myself.

It's not about the how, it's about the expression. The expression of self in any moment, which is suppressed by the mind, out of fear. The mind suppresses out of fear for feelings of failure, of spite, of disappointment. Fear for 'not knowing how' and for the judgements that may follow on this question. Fear for giving up on the self again following the self-judgements. So I safeguard against this in advance, by asking the question "how". And if there is no answer, I don't know how, than I don't have to do it, I don't have to start. Voila!

But ofcourse this is not working. My whole body get stuck by this suppression and excuses of the mind.

So the solution is to express as self. What is that, to express as self? It's applying self-forgiveness. This is the living example of self-expression, which takes away the selfjudgement, so it takes away the suppression of the selfjudgement of the mind. so it takes away the giving up on self, and for this it takes away the isolation.
No need to hide anymore.
There are tools available now, so the question 'how' is not working anymore.

What I do need is practical assistence. And here it becomes fuzzy. I apply self-forgiveness, but I cannot find the specific points and thoughts to apply this on. That's what makes it fuzzy at the moment. The points seem to be clot together.         

An example of a direct working apply of self-forgiveness: a thought of masturbation was coming up. It was not very urgent, but after thinking about this possability, it was not going away. Actually it was a future-projection. I went on writing but it still was there. Then I applied one self-forgiveness and it went away and stayed away.

Here I could apply self-forgiveness specific and it worked immediately.
With the old structures of the mind manifested in the body, I cannot find the specific words.

So I have to start with what I write in this moment.

I forgive myself that I cannot find the specific words to forgive the structures of the mind which I have manifested in the body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to build up mind-structures in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this mind-structures are real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become fuzzy from the clotting of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions are mine.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to think that I had to 'carry' all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me, because they didnot see what they were doing.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself  that I didnot see what I was doing by carying all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions had something to do with me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become 'so tired' of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I had to sleep at least 9 hours to 'reload' myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel too tired to write out these self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of being tired is real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot even stand on my two feet because of the pain in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become angry to M in almost every conversation we have.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot stop these reactions of angryness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must correct his words instead of stopping the reaction in myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe, that if I donot correct his words and become angry, I disappear, instead of seeing that if I correct him and do not stop the reaction in myself, I as self disappear into the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that if I allow M to speak words as the mind, that I disappear and for that I must correct him, instead of seeing that I must stop allowing myself to believe that the words of the other person are harming me and applying self-forgiveness to my own reactions on his words.

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