missing myself

I slept long today. Or actually I slept 6 hours and after this I lay in bed for more than 2 hours, asleep, awake, asleep, awake. After 6 hours i woke up out of a dream, and I did not want to let go of this dream. So I tried to 'go back'  into this dream.
This is what I did very often in the past. Trying to go back in the dream because I liked it there more than in daily life.
I stand up, and the mind was not giving signals of being tired. No ofcourse not, it was almost completely reloaded! I did not attack myself for this sleeping too long today, I start to apply self-forgiveness.
But it didnot feel comfortable. I know I have to deal with some rush in the head the whole day.
I was sitting on the toilet, and suddenly I saw what was going on:

I missed myself.

Sleeping 6 hours gives me, till now, some hours struggling with the signals of the mind of being tired every morning, and a lot of other struggles, coming out of the resistance of the mind.
But today I saw the difference. I am struggling with this signals and resistance, but I am with myself.
Today I missed myself. I know I am inside, but I cannot 'reach' myself.
(I speak about being with myself, which makes visible that I am not yet equal and one as myself).


In facebook this morning there was this picture which is so strikable:



Rattling the Cages of the Caged Photo by Marlen Background painting by Scott Cook


This is how I experienced it. The mind is suppressing the self, which makes it impossible to reach the self, so impossible to be equal and one as self, when the mind is reloaded every day.

It's terrible. It makes so clear why it always seemed 'out of reach' to become equal and one with myself, or even notice myself, when I was sleeping 8-9 hours every night.

For the first time a corner of the veil lifts of what it is to be self-intimate.


I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to let myself down everytime time by going back into the dream.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that the dream has something to tell me, instead of seeing that the dreaming after 6 hours sleep is a reload of the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to judge myself for trying to go back into the dream, instead of seeing that I did not have the tools to direct myself through the day, so going back into the dream was the only place to find some apparent relieve of the suppressing of the mind.

(ap-parent?? applying parent??)

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to miss myself for such a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to fill this 'hole' of missing myself with the searching for love, for intimicy with another person, instead of being able to become intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself completey by sleeping 8-9 hours every night.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to know for such a long time that I was searching for myself, without being able to apply myself to become one and equal as myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to describe this suppressing of the mind as terrible, which makes it only more terrible, instead of just seeing how it is and forgive the mind for what it is.