dinsdag 11 oktober 2011

breath, rush, pain

Waking up and immediately standing up after 6 hours sleep.
Sitting down on the ground, going into breathing.
After 5 or 10 minutes, I noticed a change. I did become the breathing for a while. Before I was doing the breathing, observating myself breathing. (And after this moment also).
Self-intimicy. For one moment I was self-intimate.
Being the breathing I have myself in my own hands, when I do the breathing I put myself away.
Here I can 'Be'. Not in the sleep, but in the Breath.

Going on with the 'morning rituals', feeding the animals etc. After a while the pain in the intestine is coming up. Two 'forces' are striking, life and mind. The mind controls life with cramping.
This happens every morning. When I wake up I feel okay, after some time I start struggling with the intestines and the stool. This is for a long time now so this also became a patron by itself, becoming scared that this struggling is coming up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become scared for the struggling with the stool in the morning.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be controled by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put away this control of the mind in the intestine, instead of standing up as myself and breath through.

When the stool is not going easily, the pain and discomfort inside is pulling me down all day. I have pain inside, I got emotional, cranky; I cannot stand on my feet because my belly is in the way; I want to lay down and most of all, I want to sleep. The tiredness is coming up very strong. I cannot move myself.
But the mind is what is cramping the intestine, and if I go to sleep the mind is reloading so the pressure will become stronger. That's not an option anymore (and never really was).
I don't like to write about this.
When the pain and struggling is coming up, I always feel the same thing: self-hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for hating myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily, instead of seeing that the feeling of hate has a different source.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pain and cramping and difficulty with the stool is never going away, because I am trying to solve this problem for such a long time now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about writing about this subject.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make the cramping in the intestine worse and worse by worrying about how I can solve this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to solve this, instead of seeing that I have to forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see the startingpoint of this cramping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a startingpoint to release the body from the pain, instead of seeing that every day, every minute, every breath can be the starting point to apply forgiveness and to start moving myself. I am the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel emotional and crancky because of the pain in the intestine, instead of seeing that with doing this I create a new layer.

When I am breathing, the question 'why' is coming up.
Feeling of dishonesty, verongelijkt.
Ik ben boos dat ie het niet doet; I am angry that it's not working.
Ik ben boos dat ik niet meedoe, I am angry that I don't join.
Er zit geen leven in mijn darmen, daarom voeg ik dit steeds toe.
There is no life in my intestine, that's why I supply it every time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that other people were more alive than I because they had a connection to the white light, instead of seeing that we are all equal and one and nobody was really alive; the white light was just an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this as an excuse to feel unequaled, instead of standing up in myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that 'I cannot come through this', instead of breathing through it, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there is no life in my intestine, instead of seeing and realizing that I am one and equal as Life, but that this life is suppressed by the mind.

Ik ben constant aan het reageren op mijn eigen pijn dus mijn eigen mind van binnen.
Dit moet stoppen.
I am constantly reacting on my own pain inside so on my own mind
This must stop.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel really disequaled (aggrieved) by the fact that I have so much pain for such a long time and other people seem not to have this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the unequality which is going on in the world, is real, instead of seeing that we al created this with the mind. We are equal and one as Self as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel good when I have no pain and to feel not good if I have pain; with this I make myself dependent of the pain so of the mind and I create another polarity.

When I see into the fat pressed words, I see what words I use:
I am constantly reacting
That's something. I write so I think that I am this, I am the constant reactions on my own pain, on my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am the constant reactions on my own pain inside so on the mind, instead of seeing that it's the mind which creates this reactions, which in fact are illusions as reactions on illusions.

I stopped the reactions this afternoon when I saw what I was doing, and it become quiet inside; the intens pressure on the intestine decreased very fast.
The pain and cramp is still inside, because I cannot yet see the specific patrons which are hidden inside, only roughly.
But I have to stop the reactions on this pain. I have to stop to create more layers. I have to stop to suppress myself.
This I can start with, this I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so stupid that I cannot see what specific patrons are hidden inside my intestine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I immediately have to see what patrons are hidden inside, instead of applying self-forgiveness on what is here in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become angry at myself everytime I feel this pain, creating another suppression with this.


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