vrijdag 14 oktober 2011

the right to live

M. told me he wanted to find another room to live in.
I was not prepared, but I noticed it was okay. I didnot know that this was an option.
I didnot really react, only asked why. And he said that he didnot know how to live together.

It was ok. It waked me up. In afternoon, evening, also in the beginning of the next morning. No judgements of my own mind because it was not forced by the mind. I just stopped the interaction between us to give space to myself to walk the process. To stop inter-action and see what will remain. I did and do not feel quilty which is a relieve. Not feeling quilty makes me more stable and able to see what's going on inside.

Next morning it was starting. The things that were hidden behind were coming up. No judgements but fear.
Some panic of being alone again. Scared to fall into lonelyness 'again'. I cannot fill this with sleeping now!
But also about the money. Before he came in I was living alone for a long time. I always managed, but I always worried a little because I had just enough money.
This worries stopped living with him. 100 or 200 euro can make a difference.
But it's more than that. Living together gives a feeling of being safe(d!). Also when it's not really a pleasure together.
What a mess this blog. It seems like a diary.
Suddenly it seems like I don't have anything to wright anymore. Before yesterday it started streaming. Now I feel like I have no right to do this anymore. What is this, this rediculous effect? It's like I push myself back in the black hole. The hole of not belonging to anyone or anything.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have no right TO LIVE when I am alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the right to live is real, instead of seeing that 'the right' is a word of the system so not real, it's simple 'I have to Live".

So it becomes: I have to Live Alone.

In this moment I know I am Life. Life is within me, as myself. I am not equal and one as life yet, but I know I am. That's something. In this moment I know I donot need the white light or another person to become Alive. I can write myself through, I can breath myself through. I can stand up in the black hole. The black hole is just an illusion. It can only exist bij de grace of the white light, and by the believing that this is real.

There again the thought is: It doesnot make sense. It doesnot make sense when he is not around.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I only can make sense by the grace of another person, by the grace of the white light.

I really have to write the hell out of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the black hole is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need another person to keep me out of the illusion of the black hole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a partner to become alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need a partner to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that other person can pull me back into the black hole because I have no partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel safe with a partner, instead of feeling safe in myself as myself, which is the only way to really be safe.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a black hole in my mind where I can disappear in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling safe is real, instead of seeing that feeling safe is an illusion because feeling is of the mind and safe is a polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of the time that I have to fill alone now.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that time is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to fill time, instead of being Here, breathing in every moment without any consciousness of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can fall in anything, the only thing that I can fall in is in the illusion of the mind, which I can stop myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was safe in this relation, because M. loved me so much that he would not leave me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can be safe in a relation, instead of seeing that I can only be safe in myself as myself, in the starting point of self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I had to give M more attention, instead of seeing that attention is as the mind, and that is what I stopped between us.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that this blog is a mess.

This all was already inside me before I met M. It's my program, I have to see into this myself and walk through, assisting myself.

Full of wonder I look around me, like I am searching something.
Why am I not falling into emotions?
I can catch myself in the breathing.
I have to Live Alone; with or without someone around.
It doesnot really matter. It does not change who I am.
Living with someone doesnot make me less Alone.
Living alone doesnot make me lonely.
Let's see how things sort out, without me as the mind trying to direct, speaking words as the mind.
This will slow down the process, it confuses.
Giving up the control.
Not into addiction, but into Life.
Not forcing myself to (the illusion of) making a choice, because this is what gives the pain.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am less Alone when I live with another person around me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that living alone makes me feel lonely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have no right to live Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to direct life by speaking words as the mind, trying to control life into the way I personally wanted it to be, instead of seeing that I was slowing down and confusing the process, creating a lot of emotions and pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that after writing this I will fall back into emotions, instead of trusting myself, seeing that I can catch myself in writing, in breathing, making myself one and equal as the emotion and breath through, so the emotion disappear. And applying self-forgiveness.

I cannot allow myself to fall back in emotion again.
I am not letting go a person, I am letting go the illusion of a love-relation.
Now I really have to breath.

Geen opmerkingen:

Een reactie plaatsen