dinsdag 18 oktober 2011

trust

"Before the cock crows in the morning you will have betrayed me 3 times".

I cannot trust myself. Not at all.
I don't know if I am speaking as the mind or as self. I still believe my own feelings in some cases, I donot even see that this are feelings because I am so 'used' to use the way I feel as a starting point of what to do and how to move. Actually I did let my feelings decide how my day was, how I was. I became the feeling.
I became sensitive. A sensitive person. In the beginning, when somebody told me this, that I was sensitive, I didnot know what they were talking about. But after a while I started to 'recognize' this. And with this I definated myself as sensitive. Yes ofcourse, I became my feelings and emotions, which is very sensitive!
When I grow up we never 'talked about' feelings and emotions. This was all suppressed. With suppressing this, I made the feelings and emotions bigger and bigger. I learned myself to speak about my feelings, to be honest about my feelings as the mind. And this became my starting point, to be honest about my feelings and emotions.

And this feelings and emotions pointed out to be not real. So the whole startingpoint is gone, is not real.

The one thing that I can do is to stop thoughts, feelings and emotions and to forgive myself for definating myself as feelings and emotions.
I cannot make any 'decision' of any amount because these are decisions of the mind, decisions made from the starting point of being honest as my feelings and emotions, being honest as the mind, which is self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself by believing that my feelings and emotions are real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to react om my feelings and emotions as they were real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make decisions based on feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can or have to make decisions.

The mind is joking me by letting me believe that it are 'my own decisions'. Well that's clear, 'my own decision' is of the mind, because it's 'my own'. So this is not what is best for all life, this is what is best for me as the mind.
In this moment, I cannot stand for myself equal and one as myself and I cannot stand for another person equal and one as myself. Because my thoughts, feelings and emotions are troubleding everything inside me.
Because I am not equal and one as Self as Breath as All Life at the moment.
This is the only thing that I can be honest about, that I am not self-honest at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my thoughts, feelings and emotions troubleding everything inside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what self-honesty is.

I am waiting for approval. And I based my inside reactions on this.
I am scared to do things wrong, to say things wrong. To say things as the mind, which I am doing of course. To write things as the mind, which I am doing of course; that's what the writing is for, to see what I have  become as the mind, so I can forgive this.
And when I do write, I am waiting for approval. If this is not coming, than I am searching inside myself if I did do anything wrong, if I did use the wrong words, if it was too much written out of thoughts or feelings or emotions.
The judgingsystem is alway finding a way to judge. I am the only one who can stop this. I am writing for myself, to free myself. And who can see what I need to write myself to freedom? Me.

I trust myself that I am able to correct myself. Not on doing things 'right', but on me being able to use the tools to correct myself. Breathing, applying self-forgiveness, writing, and by applying the correction.
Until I can be equal and one as Self where nothing moves within me.

Within creating feelings for somebody else there is also a feeling of movement. A movement towards the other person, or actually towards the picture that I have created of the other person.
"Now it's gonna happen". Now my life is really starting. Now I am really going to move. But it never happened. Only the mind was moving, faster and faster, into a rush. And I was waiting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I could move myself through emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know that I was moving myself through emotions and for that I was creating emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for a movement from outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for approval from outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have been waiting my whole life, searching for someone or something outside me, to move myself into life, instead of seeing that this searching was keeping me away from myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to do things wrong.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can do anything wrong or right.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that anyone outside me can judge me, instead of seeing that I as the mind am the only one who's judging is pulling me down, and I as Self am the only one who can forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to base reactions on reactions of other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to base reactions on my own reactions.

1 opmerking:

  1. Hi Ingrid

    Thanks for sharing - it is through getting to know ourselves throgh writing that we]ll get to estabish that self trust as being self directive when we write and see that we are the mind so the words and the construction of our thoughts are STILL and will be through the mind. It's about using the mind as a tool wherein we are able to establish a self-corrected way of living standing one and equal as it wherein we stop being directed by the mind without us being aware of it.

    So, no more fears of saying anything 'wrong' as there are no mistakes when we go walking this process. We simply realize ways to walk through this as we go along.

    Writing and speaking self forgiveness are already points that stand as self-directive writing as you- yourself correcting yourself as the mind. That's how it is important to write out self forgiveness, to ensure we always direct ourselves through our writings.

    Thanks for sharing

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