zondag 16 oktober 2011

forgive enslavement

I saw the point where I became totally enslaved to a man, so to the mind. I felt directly after the moment that it was not ok. After this happening the man ran away, ofcourse, so I could not 'talk' about it with him. It took me a year before I could see into this. A year of writing sms, to see myself, and of needing another relation to walk through the relationpoints that I could not walk through with the first man. Which I am thankfull for, for the time with the other man.
Now I did see it, what happened in that moment that felt not ok. I could finally see honestly into it, and see that there the enslavement was completed.
I could forgive myself immediately.

Now I can start with this, to see into the specific illusions of the love-relation and to stop these thoughts, feelings and emotions.
Its open now, it's new. Not giving attention to a man but being with myself, untill I am one and equal as myself. With or without a man being around.

Before I was constantly pulling back when things were open because it felt not safe.
I was trying to keep the situation as it is, or even trying to go back to how it was before.
I was changing my mind constantly, which made me uncapable to change.
Isolation became the safety.
I am going to deprogram myself, untill I can change in every moment, in every breath.

To become constant as Self so I can change in one breath.
To become the constant change?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that isolation keeps me save.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go back into a situation in the mind, over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to never live right here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to keep the situation as it is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to keep the situation constantly instead of seeing that I have to be the constant as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid of changing situations.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to change constantly as the mind, which makes me uncapable to change, instead of being constant as Self, able to change in one breath
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After writing this the resistance is coming up. I am struggling all day with half-written blogs.
I donot see and realise how this love-realation (!! slip of the finger) cannot be real. I can write beautifull words, I can understand it, but I don't see it, I don't believe it.
That's a polarity from the mind, to not believe.
What I do see and realise is that I became completely enslaved to the man, and that has to stop.
But I cannot see why I cannot walk the process with him, why I am with somebody else now.
I miss him so much. I miss being fysical with him, I miss myself how I felt being fysical with him.
So than I must miss myself so much. Being fysical with myself so much.
I don't know what that is, being fysical with myself, as myself. Maybe I could only be fysical with somebody else, through somebody else. Well that's something. That's complete dependency, complete enslavement.
And was I fysical with him or was I as the mind with him?
If I became completely enslaved, than I was as the mind with him. Only the mind can be enslaved.
I must have been fysical with him as the mind, not as breath. Which is not real as the fysic.

I feel like I betray myself. If I feel this and if I am emotional, than it must be turned around. So I feel like I betray the mind. Letting go of something that was everything for me. The reason that I lived for.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can be the reason I live for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I miss another person, instead of realizing that I miss myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let down myself completely by making another person the reason I live for.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can only be fysical through or with somebody else.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I was fysical with him, instead of seeing that I was fysical as the mind with him, which is not really fysical but energetic.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can walk the process with somebody else, instead of realizing that I walk the process with myself, as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am 'with somebody else now', instead of realizing that I am Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really realize that the reason that I lived for is not real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really want to give up this illusion and enslavement, which gives the conclusion that I not really want to stand up Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not really want to stand up Alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that a love-realation (again slip of the finger) is not real. It's a realization, and that's what is real.


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