zondag 13 november 2011

Zegveld - Sayfield

Dictating, to say, zeggen. It's all about dictating other people.
Called into life to try to make the environment we live in 'safe'.
To make it safe in a world of polarity.
To make a world of polarity safe, we have to dictate each other.
Which of course is not 'working'.
To make the world around us how we want it.
Which is not 'working' of course. Because we all want, think, feel something different.

With dictating the other person, each time we dictate we move away from ourselves a little more.
And with this, the environment becomes each time a little bit more unsafe.
(Because the only safe place is to be one and equal as self as life).
Dictating, controling of the mind is moving away from self. the environment becomes a little bit more unsafe, so we have to dictate a little bit more; with this we move away again a little bit more into the mind, away from self, so the environment becomes a little bit more unsafe again, etc.

I noticed myself dictating in a relationship.
I finally saw how I created a huge future-projection within myself by 'hoping' for another person to relate myself with.
And each time it didnot 'work' (I work a lot as you can see), I created disappointment.
But I still kept on thinking that is must be possible, even knowing that it would be possible.
And trying and trying again. Creating hope that this time I will 'manage' (well I became a manager already).
'Climbing to the top' of being an 'expert' in having relationships (and still not succeed to 'stay togehter' with someone). I made a whole career of it...
And by trying so hard to make the relationship 'work', I had to dictate. Otherwise I couldnot control this whole structure of the mind.
And I had to dictate and the other person had to become responsable, because I only could have sex with a person trhat is responsable for himself, whatever that may be that the other person must become that I myself am not yet in/as myself. So the other person must be responsable, or 'standing straight in/as himself' because I cannot stand as myself yet. So still the other person must do this in my place.
So that I can have sex?
So that there is no trouble with making money?

It are again these two points that make the rules of a relationship.
Okay with money we create a safe environment for having food and a place to stay.
How do we create a safe environment with having sex? To make sure that the other person is not going away? To keep me breathing because in the mind the only way to experient oneness is by completing myself as the mind with another person, so completing as feeling alive through having sex with another.
But why must the person I have sex with be responsable? Why can I not have sex with a person who is not yet responsable? Must he be a perfect mirror for me, so that I cannot see my own lack of self-responsability? "Protected' by a reflection that is 'overruling' me so that I cannot see myself?
mmm I donot exactly see into this.

Sex in/as the mind became the breath of life.
Money became the bread of life.

But what about keeping the environment safe by dictating?
What happen when we stop dictating?
Than the mind falls apart.
Nothing is sure anymore, no structure will leave.

So dictating is dictating the structure of the mind alive.
Ofcourse, the structure as the mind created by the words of/as the mind, as words are creating.
So dictating is keeping/making the structure of the mind alive, creating a lot of polarity so a lot of dictating is necassary to keep the structures alive. Structures build to keep our personal (mind)environment safe.

I stop dictating inside and outsite myself. Actually I never understand why this dictating was necessary, I didnot like it at all, but still I created this inside myself.
I knew all the time that this was not who I am, so for this I kept it in silence, I suppressed it.
I didnot dictate outside, only inside.
But with this keeping in silence I could not see myself as a dictator and also not become one and equal as myself as dictator. I seperated myself from myself as dictator. So the dictating was going on inside me and still reflecting outside me, without seeing a possability to change this.

Thanks to z and m I could see me as the dictator and now I can become one and equal as me as the dictator, which makes me able to stand up in it and stop this behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to learn to dictate to direct my environment, instead of seeing that I have to practise speaking as Self to direct myself.

Living in Zegveld (Sayfield), starting to see the dictator inside myself.

I cannot exactly see how I come to this realization, but there is only one answer possible:

I abused myself to feel alive.

In general:
The people around us are reflecting this, but the self-abuse is too painfull to see, so we started to dictate the environment. This is the only way to control the reflections. To dictate the structures of the mind alive with words of the mind, to not let the structures of the mind fall apart. because what is under/behind this, is not so nice to see.
This is what makes us feel unsafe; the mirror that reflects our self-abuse, hidden behind/suppressed by the dictated mind-structures which can fall apart in any moment.
Because it reflects that we are actually create an unsafe environment inside ourselves, by abusing and attacking ourselves. And this is reflecting the whole world at the moment: the unsafe environment that we created inside ourselves; by living in and as the mind, in and as polarity, in and as judgementsystems.

I must admit (??) that I feel sick because of this realization; or actually I feel the pain in my body and throat, created by this self-abuse and by suppressing of seeing into this.
Sick and relieved at the same time, because with seeing this I can no longer make myself dependent on another person, which means that I can heal myself.

I am out of breath because of this, of keeping the mind-structure alive.
Out of breath.
And for coming into breath I needed sex (as written above).
To keep myself alive with a substitution for breath. To keep the structure of the mind alive.
And this is where the lust is coming up. As an excuse of the mind to hide what kind of abuse is hidden behind this structure; to keep the illusion, the substitution of breath alive. To keep us enslaved to the (sexual)mind.

That's something. This again points out why many woman have bladder infection after having sex (mentioned in 'Heaven and Hell).
They are really pissed off.
Pissed off by allowing the self-abuse and self-seduction.
Seduced by the mind, by the (sexual) words of the mind, by the penis, by the vagina.

It's one big kutzooi.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be seduced and abused by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry to be seduced and abused by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this being angry at other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to really like the seduction of the penis and the vagina without really seeing what was going on.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry that I can no longer allow myself to be seduced by the penis and the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be disappointed that I can no longer allow myself to be seduced by the penis and the vagina.

1 opmerking: