He is not doing what he is saying.
One moment he sais, I am going to do it different, next moment he is going away and again not doing what he was saying.
It makes me feel so desperate.
Again and again this is giving trouble with the work at the temporary employment agency.
How can I share a house with him if every 6 weeks there are trouble with the work?
And again this is all about money. I am scared that he gets so much trouble that he cannot pay half of the rent of the house.
But is this the only thing? If somebody is not seeing the consequence of his actions, than I cannot trust him. If I give him the responsability for the half of the rent of the house, than I cannot catch this anymore. If he cannot pay, than I also have a problem.
But till now he always paid what he has to pay, so what am I making worries about? About the way he is doing his things? I am scared that he will be kicked out of the system and cannot work anymore.
Okay, than it's about this fear: to be kicked out of a system.
If you donot obey the rules, than you are kicked out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to be kicked out of a system.
But there is more. When one moment he sais yes, you speak real, I will do that. And 30 minutes later he is not doing it, than what happens inside me?
I feel so surprised, as suppressed, that I cannot speak anymore. Like a fish with an open mouth out of the water, unable to speak; "I cannot believe this".
It feels like betrayal.
He is lying in my face.
Am I stimulating this? By forcing him to say things that he cannot stand as?
Am I forcing him to say things that I cannot stand as? And for that he must stand as?
Am I standing as what I am saying?
Am I standing as what I am asking?
Do I want to share the house if he is doing as he speaks?
Or do I still not want to share the house than? Am I also lying about that?
Does it matter what I want?
I don't want him to stay and I don't want him to go.
What is this?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am standing as my words, while I am not sure if this is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not lying.
He is walking away for my control.
Is he? He is walking away for his own control.
And I am walking away for my own control by projecting this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am never coming out of this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to free myself from my mindstructure.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's too much.
I must control myself to not become angry again at him, to not go into this reaction again.
Control or forgive?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this controling is not going away by simply forgiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot be forgiven.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be sad that I have to do it all alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel unequaled by the thinking that I must do all the work.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so patronized when somebody is speaking yes and doing no, and for this, I am going to patronize the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that the other person is really doing as he is speaking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to be equal with a man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that a man is so stupid that he is doing over and over again the same stupid thing without correcting himself, without even seeing that he is doing this.
So I am patronizing the man with this thinking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to patronize the man with the thinking that he is so stupid to do the same stupid thing over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to forgive the man that he is doing the same stupid thing over and over again, because when I do this, when I forgive this, he will not ever correct himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the man will not correct himself if I forgive him instead of controling him.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the man will only correct himself if I control him, instead of seeing that the mind is turning this around, that this controling has the opposite effect.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to control myself instead of forgive myself, which has the opposite effect: With doing this I still keep doing the same stupid things.
To control is as the mind, so the correction will be in/as the mind; the correction will be dead.
To forgive is as self, so the correction will be in/as self; the correction will be alive.
Nobody wants to give in as the mind, so we keep on controling.
And for this we stay enslaved on the mind, so actually we are already totally given in, into the mind.
Not to give in the mind, but to forgive the mind.
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I suddenly see there is something so much bigger behind this.
It has something to do with the church.
The patronizing of the female. But maybe not the female but mankind in general. So the patronizing in general.
It is linked to the cyclus. Every month I feel it, before ovulation I feel up, after ovulation I go down. It's like I am for no use anymore after the ovulation which is translated in not knowing what to do, not feel like doing anything, 'no sense', etc. I am still controled by the cyclus (by the procreation), even when the so called 'childwish' has stopped. It is much less, but still there. So up and down, polarity.
For seeing this I maybe connect it with the female part, but male and female are both trapped in this cycle.
Female notice this earlier than man, because the female is going into this cycle every month inside her own body. And this is what I feel, that I have to speak and speak and speak to the male. And he sees she is speaking real words, but he doesnot want to see his own roll. Actually he still doesnot believe that it also has something to do with him. Maybe he even suppress the female without really wanting this, just to not see his own painfull roll and suppression. Untill he is really standing with his back to the wall, untill he has brought the consequences into reality so that it cannot be missed anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at the male-part for not wanting to see his own roll and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel patronized, ignored and suppressed by the male-part.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give into this patronizing, ignoring and suppressing by the male-part.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame the male-part for this patronizing, ignoring and suppressing, instead of seeing that this is coming forward of the total patronizing, ignoring and suppressing by the mind in general.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be patronized, ignored and suppressed by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the female is more victum than the male.
I had a communication with a bobtail-femaledog this monday. One year ago she ran away and lost her way in the wood. Through communication we started to know that she is caught and keepen alive, really isolated. But nobody could find her.
Several person have been busy with this situation. After a year she is still not found but she is alive.
In the communication it was difficult to communicate because she had given up in someway (and also or maybe largely because my own mind was in the way).
But when I asked her if she wanted to say something to her early caretaker, she said:
There is a whole web behind. She got caught in a web.
She doesnot know if she herself can make it, but there is a stud/breed trade into the direction of Germany.
On the question if she is used for breeding she didnot confirm, she didnot mention little dogs etc.
She had a very unclear rol, something like waiting al the time.
It seems she is forgotten; used as distraction, and finally it became clear: used as cloak, cover (dekmantel).
For some illegal breedtrade. If anyone ask where a dog is coming from, they can show her as the mother.
For the rest, she is hidden in a shed, day in day out.
So, she gave up on her own life, but she would like to see that this trade will be stopped.
That is what she wanted to tell her early caretaker.
Three times I got a top of the iceberg of the information but somehow it was coming and going, my heart was beating faster because I noticed that it was very big what she was trying to communicate. My mind was veiling this. Or actually, it was too large to believe, this betrayal, like the fish with an open mouth out of the water.
Isn't this exactly how we all are used?
Caught in this web of propagation/procreation.
So in a larger perspective, the dog was saying, she want this whole web of propagation, of procreation, of the mindstructure, to be stopped. And maybe she even ment this by saying she wanted this to be stopped.
(The communication and searching will go on, a volunteer has made this her task which is really great if I can use this word)
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a dear familymember who is involved into christianity. And I am scared, because I know, I have to stand up in this. In this whole web of propagation, procreation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to stand up in this whole web of propagation, procreation.
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