maandag 21 november 2011

Living via the love of/for another person

Feeling this enormous love for someone. It's not real but it feels so real, so overwhelming that it is hard to 'believe' that it's not real. This feeling of love becomes the reason for living. Actually it always was the reason for living, the searching for this love was the reason for living. And finally it is there.

What happen when this is so when a child is born? When the child is the reason for living for the parent? Than this feeling of love of the parent must be kept 'alive', because the parent self is not really alive. But what is necessary to keep this feeling of love alive? Actually to keep this illusion alive? Than one must live in illusion all the time, otherwise this feeling as illusion cannot stand. But the child is not living in illusion, it is pure and alive, in breath. But it sees a living example of an illusion day in day out. This is giving confusion; the inside world is not in agreement with the outside world. The child needs the caretaking of this parent, so it is going to adapt to this illusion. Slowly the inside world, the breath, the real life, is given up to become in agreement with the outside world, the illusion.

Of course this is given friction. Nothing is real, nothing is alive. And the one thing that is alive, inside, is going to be hidden. Because everytime this is shown to the parent the parent, yes what is happening than? Is it stolen? How can this be stolen? It is not stolen, it is given away. The child starts to 'feel' responsable for the parents life, because the parent must keep the child alive. And with this feeling responsable for the parent, the breath of the child is given away by the child, going into the mind as feeling responsable. And the parent has exactly what it was searching for, another being that is keeping the illusion of the feeling of love for this other being alive. And one big bubble of illusion is created, both trapped in this bubble of conditional love.

Grown up, the child is trying to get away from this. But this structure has already been manifested inside. It will ask the parent to see inside itself, but the parent willnot do that because than it must see into the illusion, and by seeing into this the reason for living, the bubble of love, will burst apart. And it's been hidden al the time by the words "but I love you, what did I do wrong? You are the one who is running away from me, who is ignoring me, who is not speaking nice to me. I am doing nothing".
Exactly here it is, the parent is doing nothing. Nothing to change inside.
And by this trying of the child to let the parent see into this, the parent is still keepen alive, because somehow this is affirming this doing nothing. Because, why does the child wants the parent to change? Because the child itself does also not know how to get out of this structure that is build inside. It has given away the will to live, the Selfwill. It has made itself dependent on the parent who is doing nothing, and for this it is trying to change the parent, which has the opposite effect, which is still keeping alive the parent who is not changing at all, and the child itself is also not changing at all because of this waiting for something outside to change.
The whole situation is waiting and ofcourse an immense feeling of quilt is created inside.
For a new love who can save them, who can give 'new life'. Out of this misery, out of this missing of the Self, of Life, of Breath.
Isn't this Jesus on a cloud?
Waiting for Jesus on a cloud who is going to bring 'new life', who is bringing forgiveness.

Everytime my mouth is falling open, yes like the fish outside of the water, when this still happen in the relationship. And I finally see where I myself give away myself: by trying to make the other person to see inside himself. Everytime I do this, I feel like he is 'walking away' with these words as me and still doing nothing himself. He is even going to ask for this, by sayng sorry, and when I say, see inside yourself, don't say sorry, he is satisfied, sais yes and walks away. Doing nothing. I really cannot 'believe' this, but I donot have to believe this because believing is nothing real. I just see it here before my eyes and I have to stop this behaviour of myself immediately. Why must he change? Am I dependent on him for breathing? No. It is about money. The substitute for life as the bread of life. And about sex, the substitute for life as breath as life.
And when he walks away I become so angry, Í hate him as myself for doing this so much, that I cannot even look at him anymore, I cannot bear him around me and I don't want him to move because I cannot move as myself anymore. The hate as the opposite of love is created.

Can a person walk away with words as me? Only if I speak as the mind, because I loaded these words with my own interpretation. Speaking words as Self as Life are Alive, so these words are innocent, free of interpretation, free of my ego. With speaking words as the mind I give away my ego, which hurts as ego. And I create this interpretation that I gave to the words. Did we 'own' words with doing this? Trying to 'own' a person with speaking these words?
Yes! That also happens from parent to child. Owning the children with speaking loaded words of/as the mind.

Another thing is that this structure has manifested inside my large intestine. Somehow I started to hide the pooping, and this must have something to do with the innocence of this. Maybe with the equality of all people? And for not wanting to be equal as the parent with whom I was in this bubble of love, I started to stop this equality? When I cannot poop I have vaginal secretion, vaginale afscheiding (seperation). I don't want to be equal with the other person and for that I stop pooping. I 'refuse' to poop, to be equal in the pooping. (And this patron started with the refusing to eat at 16th, actually the same thing, not wanting to be equal in the visible things that we are equal in, to eat and to poop; not wanting to live like this).
Refusing. Re-fusie. Back in the fusie. The fusie with the mind.
So with refusing things as the ego I go back in the fusie with the mind. The mind keeps in (re)fusion with refusion.
So with refusing to be equal as the other person I keep myself in fusie with the mind, so seperated from myself as Life.
Holy shit. Heilige shit. Heilige poep. Holy as diffused by the White Light, by 'God'.

Another thing, the feeling of betrayal that is coming up everytime that someone is living via the words that I speak (as mind) and doing nothing himself; and also that I feel when I cannot poop. It is the betrayal of myself. Everytime I do this, I affirm myself that I am dependent on the other person, so I confirm the mind as money, and I betray myself as Life, I give away myself with the loaded words to the other person who walks away with this words, and I feel empty and confused because I affirmed the mind so I am back into the mind, out of Life. Back in the mind which I just gave away with speaking words as the mind to the other person. Shock, stuck. Left behind empty, stuck in the mind.

I stopped breathing and everytime I create this patron I stop breathing again, or actually I see that I stopped breathing and I see affirmed this shock (the fish), and by repeating this patron I affirm this stopping of breathing.

And what did I 'think' many times? That it would be easy if the other person (parent) would be dead. That was the only way that I could see to come out of this structure. Ofcourse I could always see that this was not a solution, that I didnot really want this, that I had to stand up in this myself. I was 'lucky' to have the opportunity to go out of the house and sort things out (as far as possible at that time) inside myself. So I can imagine that this is also 'a reason' for committing suicide, known as the only way out of this structure. 
I could walk away out of the house, and this was the only solution that I knew for myself. So that is what I kept doing in relationships, or I walked away or the other person walked away, not able to free myself from this structure.

I finally see into the illusion of this feeling of love. From experience I know how overwhelming this feeling is, which makes it hard to 'believe' that this is not real. Actually I was still angry because I didnot feel this in the situation I am in now, waiting for someone else that I did feel this love for. Waiting for Jesus on a cloud.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for Jesus on a cloud.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry that I didnot feel this overwhelming love anymore and the other person did, instead of seeing that it's a real fuck to be in this illusion of love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of love was real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel unequaled by missing this illusion of feeling of love, instead of seeing that this missing is the missing of myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to confince the other person last year that my feeling of love was real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live via this feeling of love for the other person last year, even though I 'knew' there was something not real with this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the person I feel this love for is special and with this I make myself dependent on this one special person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in the illusion of inequality with the searching for this one special person to become one with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it would be more easy if the parent that was living via the love for me were dead, to come out of this bubble of love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to be dead myself to come out of this structure that I created inside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk away everytime that I got stuck in this structure in relationships, and with this I kept the structure inside alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'choose' man who walked away, and for this I didnot had to see inside this structure inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop, to refuse pooping and eating to try to not be equal and one as the person who lived via the love for me, instead of seeing that with this I refused myself in and as the mind, so I seperated myself from myself and stucked myself completely.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to be one with the other person, and for not wanting this I refused, instead of seeing that I have to be one as mySelf.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to betray myself by affirming the mind of the other person and of myself by speaking words as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can walk away with me as my words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I/people can own words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to speak words as/of the mind, and for that I created over and over again the same situation, untill it was so large that it cannot be missed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stop breathing, to go into shock everytime this structure is coming up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I could change another person instead of seeing that with this I make myself dependent on the other person as the mind and instead of seeing that I as myself have to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel responsable for the live of the parent or of the boyfriend.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give up myself as life by feeling responsable as the mind for the life as the mind of another person, and for this affirming the mind over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be triggered everytime I see the structure of doing nothing or I hear the words doing nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am/can be responsable for the life of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel quilty everytime that I was not able to be 'nice and friendly' to the other person who was living via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself and the other person so much for creating this structure and walking away from it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be confused by the difference, the seperation between the inside and the outside world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give up the real life inside for the believing that the life as mind outside is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to be the reason to live for for another person, instead of seeing that I am the reason to live as Self as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to wait for another person to feel love for, so that I can finally start living, created by myself by giving away myself as (reason to) Live/Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep the structure with a boyfriend alive, also if I felt he was living via the love for me, because I couldnot live as myself as Life as Breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this structure of living via the love of/for another person to not be left alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame the other person who was living via the love for me, instead of seeing that I did the same as living via the love of the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to

If not, if I was living as myself as Life as Breath, than I would not have felt so misarable by this. If I feel miserable I am living in/as the mind, missing myself, so dependent, de-pen-ding (penny) on something outside me. And for that the other person must change.
And this change must be fast, because if it's not fast than I am afraid that I couldnot stand 'him' (as myself as this structure) anymore and than he or I must walk away. Fear of lost. Creating by speaking the words which are loaded with this fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that a change must be fast, otherwise I cannot bear him as me as this structure anymore, instead of seeing that seeing into this structure takes time, and by trying to do it fast the chance to solve is suppressed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to find the other person so stupid to not see into the own behaviour, instead of seeing that I find myself so enormous stupid to not see into my own behaviour.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to find myself so enormous stupid for not seeing into my own behaviour as the reactions that I create inside by speaking loaded words.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so desperate by being not able to see yet how I create my own reactions inside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so used by this patron.
It has become a demon on itself, manifested in/around the large intestine.
By being surprised, shocked, suppressed every time, surprised that another person is not seeing what is going on, I go into the mind again, into the story of another person, and I suppress myself again by going into the mind and than become surprised because I cannot see what is going on because I suppressed myself.

Why am I so angry that the other person wants to live via his love for me here at this moment?
Because it's triggering this patron.
But what else? That I cannot walk away at this moment? That I am responsable for another person as myself as Life? That I cannot use the other person anymore for feeling alive myself, not in any way? Is it panic for no way out, no back door?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I cannot walk away anymore out of this situation, out of this mirror.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I have to stand for another person as myself as Life, and for that I cannot walk away or send away the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that I cannot use the other person anymore for feeling alive myself, not in any way.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be so angry that this patron has manifested inside my body because for this I cannot be Here as long as it is manifested inside my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I can solve this myself, and for this I panic, afraid of being stuck into this mindstructure forever manifested in the body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to stay into this mindstructure forever. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to never start seeing into this patron if this structure wouldnot have manifested inside my body the way it did.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I could stand up in this patron and for this, I allowed to manifest it inside my body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this manifested structure inside my body as protection against the feeling of this patron.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need this structure manifested inside my body to start seeing inside myself and to keep on seeing inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so used and abused and raped at the same time.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go on and on in this structure, as this pain is going on forever, instead of standing up in/as myself and stop being a victum of it.

I apply these s.f on the words that I write and I speak them loudly here but it's not yet really effective, only for seeing into this whole pattern. I am still into refusing, reacting.
(And I translated patroon, pattern as patron, which is something like boss).

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