I am not one and equal as the words I speak.
I speak them of the mind but I cannot yet live them.
If I say, yes you can live her as a roommate. I notice now that I have conditions for this.
I want him to see that he is creating his own consequences and I want him to care for the house.
For seeing into the creation of the consequences and to stop creating this, you have to start with applying self-forgivenesses. If not, than over and over the same situation will be created because it has not been forgiven. He is asking me to forgive him everytime, by asking me if I am still angry at him. And when I act 'normal', we are 'good' again. I am doing all the speaking and trying to convince him.
Today finally it was spoken into words that he is living via 'his love for me'. Somewhere this was hidden, just as it was hidden in the house where I grew up. But I 'felt' it all the time. This patron make and had make me sick. I allowed it; because I was dependent on the other person? Because I believed that this was true?
But this is a point that is confusing me:
In the article of Jesus about forgiveness there is written, if you will not really apply s.f., than I have to ask you to leave. Than I cannot live with you.
Isn't this a condition?
I wanted to make a decision about sharing the rent and stopping the subsidy for the house. But for this, I need to know if he is creating trouble at work again or not. At the moment I see no change, actually it's getting worse, he is creating a lot of noise to not start with seeing inside himself, and I am creating noise by trying to force him into this so that I donot have to make the decision myself. So I cannot make this decision. And I donot want to make this decision, because I don't want to live with him if I am not absolutely sure that another man is not coming back. "I have to know if we would have a change together or not. I cannot forgive myself yet for not waiting for that guy and start the process with another man, when I was in process with z." (mindtalking). This process was at distance, but still it was a process.
This point I have to see in side myself. It is something like 'choosing between mom and dad'. Dad was not really here but I wanted to be with him, mom was too close and for that I didnot want to be with her.
It's not a process with another being, it's a process within myself and the other beings are reflecting this.
When I say it like this, I can see that there may be two other beings who are reflecting me in the process. That's the dissension which is present inside me. Not one and equal as myself.
Than what is an agreement?
At the moment it's about relationships. Can I have more than 2 relationships?
Yes. the mind makes 100 relationships with everything possible. (For that, it's an issue to be 'monogam' when you are living as the mind, with all the seduces of the mind). So I am sorting out the relationships issues, and for that, there are two man involved. Well actually one in present and one in the mind, because I donot have contact with him. But he is living near by. Maybe it's all an illusion. I will see into this.
Ok so I cannot say, I am walking into an agreement with m, also not in future, because I donot know what that is as long as I am living in/as the mind, and I donot know what way everything goes. We both cannot stand as the words that we have spoken in the past. So I am not making decisions at the moment because of the money; I am not forcing myself anymore for making a decision because of the money. I am not making decisions at all. Untill I can see clearly what is going on, untill I can move as myself. And than it is not a decision anymore because a decision is as/of the mind.
Here it start to become unconditionally. Not 'out of love/respect for the other', which is 'out of fear for the mind', but in respect for myself as Self, giving myself time to sort things out. (mmm I am not yet standing one and equal as these words; so much structures inside myself).
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to speak so much bullshit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I speak so much bullshit.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live via the love for another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be lived via the love for me of another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fix myself as a way to try to get away for the other person who wants to live via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that another person can live via the love for me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to be with another person who is trying to live via the love for me without reacting on this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the illusion of the love of another person has something to do with me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this feeling of being fixed by the love of another person for me, to not stand up and speak up as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so much a victum of this patron because it has manifested inside my body, and for this I feel it over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how I can clean this up, instead of seeing that I do not have to know, because knowing is as/of the mind.
I see now that I have resistance inside me for taking responsability for this being fixed by the love of someone else, because I didnot create it as it was happening to me as a little child. "I could not help it". So I want to stay angry about this and not stand up as myself. I have the 'idea' that the other person has to deal with this, because the other person is 'doing' this. It's his problem, not mine.
I am not standing equal and one as self as the other as this whole patron of being fixed by the conditional love that we all are being raised with. And what am I doing? Creating conditions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not responsable for this patron of being fixed by conditional love, and for this, I create conditional love to make this patron visible.
The same point as I wrote a message about: I can be deceived and at the same time be responsable for standing up in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to do any labour, 'trouble' for another person to see into this, and by refusing this, I allow him to create trouble, and so I have trouble myself as well.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to do any labour, trouble for myself to see into this, and for this I blame the other person for this when he is making the patron visible.
So that's where trouble is coming from: Not wanting to do labour, trouble, as seeing inside everything inside ourselves, and for that creating trouble outside ourselves untill we have no choise anymore than doing labour/trouble by cleaning the mess we created.
Asking him to go is not standing equal and one as this whole point of the trouble that is coming forward out of conditional love. This patron will remain inside myself as long as I am not standing equal and one as it.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's so painfull to see inside this patron of conditional love, that I want to send away the person that is reflecting this patron inside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that he has to solve this for himself, and I have to solve this for myself too, and that this is not possible when we are living in one house, instead of seeing that I again ask him to solve it and than come back, and with this, I walk around my own pain by sending away the mirror who reflects this pain.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am responsable for the life of another being, and with believing this I gave up on myself and gave away my self-responsability, because what sense does this make if I cannot stand up in myself as self but only as a reason to live for another being?
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I couldnot stand up as myself without being used for the sense of life of another being.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I couldnot stand up as myself without loosing the love/life of another being.
Than again I donot understand the text of the guidelines of forgiveness of Jesus.
Maybe it's a step too far at the moment, as the mind is always walking forward, getting me out of what is Here. Using it as an excuse to walk around seeing into the painfull patron that I created inside myself.
I am not practical applying correcting applications yet.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk forward in the mind, and for this not allowing myself to be here and become one and equal with what is here, and for this not allowing myself to stand up in what is here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about writing over and over again about this subject.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about struggling so much with relationshippoints and being busy with this 'personal stuff'.