Where was I?

Not in breath.
I didnot realize at all what it is to be in breath.
From time till time I 'tried' 4 count breath (and I was speaking to M: trying is nothing, you have to apply it).
This evening I read about breath.
And I suddenly saw what it contains to be in/as breath constantly.
There is no more space for relations at all. I am with me as me. That's all there is.
No way back to go into what illusion ever. Just no way back.
Because in breath there is no space for self-dishonesty.
If there is self-dishonesty, than I am not in breath, than I am in/as the mind.
I cannot MISS this anymore. So I cannot miss myself anymore; I have to see myself.

Am I happy? No. My mind is giving feelings of sadness and saying goodbye. Mourning.
Did I expect to be happy?
I don't know. I only know that I can see now why everyone is giving resistance to see and apply.
Because when you see and apply, there is REALly no way back.

This will be something I have never been.
A whole new world starts. 
I notice that the emotions stay very short now. I cannot remain in it anymore.
I move through them much faster. And at the same time everything (which must be the mind) is slowing down.