Growing up in an unsafe environment as living in the mind is unsafe because of existing in and as polarity.
Controling everything outside, because you never know when the mind will attack you (as the mind).
Spying around, eyes in the backhead, to see if everything is safe.
Isn't this what soldiers are doing in a war?
But I didnot go into the field.
I kept control inside:
I became a dictator.
Controling everything from inside out.
Sitting as a dictator behind the desk.
Keeping the power inside myself by not reacting outside about what I saw.
Speaking, sharing myself was as giving away the power. And when you do this living in and as the mind, this can be used against you. So I kept it inside, stored it inside. Everything I put in an archive.
And when somebody did something that was not 'okay', I could point this out with an example out of my archive. I created associations (=a-sociaal, not social). I became very good (God) at this, which gave me a lot of 'power'.
And most of this I was also doing inside; again keeping the power inside myself.
It is almost like I was creating a nucleair bomb inside myself.
Not using but keeping in readyness for you never know when necessary.
But ofcourse, I must also live faultless. So I had to dictate myself inside myself too.
I had to be and become a living example of a faultless mind, and with this, I killed all the life inside, step by step.
Step by step is not breath by breath, it's the opposite.
Step by step is to step upon life with heavy boots, like soldiers are wearing.
In the field you need heavy boots.
A dictator also needs heavy boots. As an example of the power of the mind.
Now I see why I don't like heavy boots which step on everything in the garden, killing all plants and insects. Like an elephant in a china-cabinet.
Now I can see my own heavy boots, killing all life inside, step by step.
I have made an archive inside my intestine. (Probably inside my whole body but the intestine I am most aware of). Here I stored my own reactions on and as the mind outside and inside.
Because being busy with controling everything outside myself, I couldnot see into my own reactions inside. There was no space to feel this, because when I would feel this, I was in too much pain. Than I couldnot hide this anymore and I had to share this with other people, which was not safe.
So I had to store this, pushing away every feeling (which is still as the mind).
For this I stored it all in the large intestines as the place where the emotions are stored. And I had to control it, so I created a cramp, to keep it in place.
So after leaving the house where I was born, I started to see into this archive. I felt every pain, I become one with every pain. But I kept circeling around in it. And by seeing into this at last I fixed it again, by trying to understand this as-with the mind and to solve this with-as the mind. To feel everything was still as the mind, so it didnot solve anything. I kept circling in and as the grief inside. I only salved it.
I have to write out this structures to see into this, not step by step but breath by breath. To see into my own reactions instead of being busy with the mind of other people. To breath every footprint/imprint into Life.
Not feeling it as the mind but breathing through as Self.
To forgive myself for allowing and accepting every footprint that killed life and to forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I was doing good as God with this.
To see every equality with all life as the mind, to become one and equal as it so I can stand up in it and become Alive, one and equal as All Life as Self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a dictator inside and outside.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to go into the field as a soldier which I was not capable of, instead of seeing that a dictator and a soldier are creating, allowing and accepting the same war.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I had to go (back) into the the field of war, instead of seeing that I can write and breath myself into the field of Life.
Can you see your own created structure of war inside yourself?