vrijdag 25 november 2011

To break

There is something with 'kapot maken', to break.
I was speaking about this to another person, that the other person was 'breaking' everything.
So I am breaking everything.
This scared me. To break scared me in general; I didnot see into this in myself. I was more 'holding on' to.
Yesterday I start seeing into this. What am I breaking?
I am breaking pictures, structures, connections.
To break everything of the mindstructures; trying to see who I really am. Or actually to see who I did become and what I am depending on. Well the penny is already there and yes, I did become dependent on money, on the mind as money.
That's what we all are/were breaking in this world.
But we do it in the fysical, we break all the manifested mindstructures.
And with doing this, we break the whole world included life.
Because we have become these mindstructures. So we break down ourselves and/as others. Destruction.
And we donot see that we first created these structures by ourselves, based on our memories.
The memories as mindstructures that we are trying to break down.
If we stop creating these structures into reality, we donot need to break the structures as ourselves as the world as life anymore. We donot need to be so hard on ourselves anymore.
We don't need to 'hold on' to this structure. To hold on because we are scared that we fall apart if the mindstructures as memories fall apart. So we actually break that what we are holding on to. That's not really effective. Nothing will and can change in this, we are only creating energy out of polarity with this, because of the reactions inside and outside. Which only strengthen the mindstructures. So we prison ourselves more and more with doing this. If we stay enslaved on this energy as the mind, we cannot move as ourselves.
We can stop creating this energy and start to forgive the mindstructures that we've become and created and allowed as ourselves.
Breath by breath.
To forgive the mindstructures that feels like a wall of stone.
To become The Stone I Am.

In theorie pretty clear.
In practical life I am still breaking. And I feel ashamed about this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about breaking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I didnot break.
I do break or want to break and for that I want to run away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away because I want to break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away because I don't want to break and I don't want to see that I break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run away so I can feel better than the person who break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better than the person who break.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel better than the person who run away for this or who not run away for this; which is feeling better as myself and for that suppressing myself, not able to stand up in this structure.

Breaking as punishing?
To punish for loving someone or just not loving someone.
And in the slip of the finger I wrote "punishmen", punish men instead of punishment.
For loving me or just not loving me, dependent on what I want them to.
On what I need them to?
How is the penny used in this?
In general: Woman used for sex; man used for money?
So when a man is paying the woman donot need to love him anymore? As when a woman is having sex the man donot need to love her anymore? Or only 'giving' sex or money when the other person 'love' her/him?(Love used conditionally). These traids are turning around each other.

Today I thought, I make myself ridiculas, belachelijk.
Lach en lijk. Lachen als een lijk. The joke is on me.
chelijk? Gelijk als mij als de ander, deze joke.

Ridiculus. Ridicule, bespotten. Spot, is de spot op mezelf richten. Aandacht dus.
Getsiedekkie. Dat is dus belachelijk maken.
Denken aan het lijk.
ok enough for today.

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