maandag 19 september 2011

facing myself as facing the world as facing myself

The dimensions are in oneness and equality with all that exists, therefore we are willing to give up and let go of everything, even ourselves, to ensure that all walks free from consciousness and the mind as systems which we have allowed to control and enslave us.

Reading this in lesson 1, I suddenly become emotional.
I realized, I was ready to give up everything "around me" but I forgat one thing:
To give up myself as I know myself at this moment, to give up my own inner secrets, to give up my spite?!

Now I see my struggle for the last few days.
Struggling with shorting the sleeping time, looking for distraction and "arguing" with Mariusz when he makes his own plan today (which in the main time is okay), feeling alone when he went away (which is also not happening lately), resistence of going on reading with lesson 1, and finally, when I am reading lesson 1, suddenly "out of the blue" the desire to masturbate!

What is this, this desire to masturbate that suddenly comes up (and doesnot go away "from itself")? What does it give me at this moment?  It's just a short flight, escape, from the "feeling" that there is nothing left at this moment. Nothing left to fill me, nothing "nice" to give me a "good feeling" at this moment. Just nothing left. And that makes me wanting to cry.

So I can choose, masturbate, cry or breath. Okay this makes me laughing again.
I choose breathing, but I am still not sure that after 5 minutes, "underhand" :-), in spite of all that, I start masturbating. So I leave a backdoor open, I leave a backdoor in my mind, a backdoor to go into my mind again, running away from everything that I become aware of by facing myself as facing the world as facing myself.
And with bringing the sleep to 6 hours I do the same; I leave a backdoor open in allowing myself for example to sleep 7 hours, or 6,5. One hour more to have a "nice feeling" of lying in bed, of hiding for what is Here.

So far for now.

Next day.
The backdoor, is allowing the possability to spite, is a back door to the (illusion of) control of the mind.

Talking on the phone with Sylvie I saw the turning around:
Out of fear to speak as myself, I willnot let go the spite, because I think, that when I let go the spite, when I forgive the spite, I have to speak. And when I speak, I become afraid of the spite of the mind of other people, which will come to me ofcourse if I donot forgive my own spite, which make me speak out of spite. And that I will not do, I don't want to speak out of spite. So I keep holding on to my own spite, so that I don't have to speak. I allow myself to stay in spite so I can stay in the illusion of the savety of silence, which means, in the illusion of the savety of "allowing".

I Stopped speaking out of fear for the spite of (the mind of) other people. I am surprised how the mind believes the spite and doesnot listen to the real words anymore. This "surprising" has made me perplexed, bewildered, "speachless". My mouth falls open in a 'round' ooooh....and that's it.

Seeing the fact that the mind of other people is the same as my mind, I see that I am surprised and did stop speaking out of fear for "the world", which means out of fear for the mind of other people, wich means out of fear for my "own" mind. Which brings me back to myself;
I am scared of the spite of myself as mind, attacking myself.

(And look at the words, I write "I am" surprised, "I am " scared, instead of  I feel surprised or I feel scared).

And this I feal in my body. Not as a moment, but as a block (blog) within me, as a accumulation of all the judgements, all the spite against myself, clot together as a blindmaking, suppressing (surprising?) block. Not leaving one moment for being myself as Self, as being Alive.

And I am feeling this already for 22 years (and probably also before).
It gives me complaints in the body from which I have known all the time, this can be solved by myself. With this I have been busy for the last 22 years. And now it's time to pull out of eachother of this clond, this lump of self-spiting and self-judging. To "disrelate" all the turning judgements.
Piece by Piece, Point by Point, Breath by Breath.

"Untill I can speak as Self, which means free from spite, and within this, free from the fear of spite".

The backdoor keeps the situation "as it is"!

That's why the last sentence was "feeling" as not honest; I still have a back door so I allow the mind to turn things around.


5 minutes after realizing all this, I yet did do the the masturbation.
What did this bring? Did I step into the backdoor?
It takes away the control of the mind for writing a "nice looking piece".
It makes me more equal within the process where I am at this moment.
Instead of looking at myself (as mind?), it becomes investigating myself (as mind?).
But it also closed something, and at this moment I cannot see what this closing is.
Is it closing or opening?
Or did I just stop hiding by writing this?

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling embarrassed for writing this down on a blog.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling embarrassed for not knowing what is going on at this moment and already sharing it with other people.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling really uncomfortable by letting go the control of the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that I make it worse with every word I write.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that something terrible will happen because I placed this blog in public.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the feeling for being real that I push myself too far this time.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that "I am loosing it".
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling embarrassed by sharing this struggling inside me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for feeling scared by the experience that the mind is spinning around without control.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I may not "be seen" as all as I am.

Aha now I see what the masturbation is doing. It creates the spinning. I knew this "by head" so I did limit doing it, but I did not really see this linked on each other. Until now, because I wrote it down in public and all the spinning was coming up (as is visible in the list of self-forgiveness).
I suddenly saw this after talking with Mariusz about it.


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