I noticed this before, in the evening I had some realizations, in morning everything was gone. Something like the film Groundhogday. I slept 9 hours, in april I brought this to 7-7,5 hours. Four days ago I start to sleep 6 hours. And within these days, I get the mirror of the point of forget. In day I do not practically forget very much. So where do I forget? In the sleep. I was hiding every night in the sleep. To reload the mind, so to forget who I am, to never wake up.
With sleeping 9 hours there is a day and a night. Already in the beginning of the evening I started to "prepare" for the night. With sleeping 6 hours I notice this is gone. There is no really desension between day and night, it becomes more infinite, including a period of resting.
These realizations are cool. And in the same time I notice, I am not equal and one as the words that I write. I can write the words (but can I speak the words?); I realize them, but in everyday practice I suddenly do the opposite than the point that I just realized. So the applying is not yet effective.
I make a futureprojection within the mind, I think I am already "all ready".
And when I see the reflections in day-life, I notice that it's totally different than what "I thought" it would be.
I have to stop this and apply practically what I just realized. I realize it, and than I as mind think the work is done. But what is behind this?
I do not really believe that I can change who I am. Aha, I still think that I am damned-anathematized (in the mind) forever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the anathematize has power over me as Self as I Am.
What did I do in the last 3-4 days? I was pushing a point through. And it didnot work at all.
And I just see what I turned around: I must not push the point through the throat, I must push or move myself through the point.
So, because I donot really "believe" that I can change-move myself, I try to move the point.
By pushing the point through, everything, everyone goes into resistance, and I make myself dependent on the point, so on the mind, and on the other person who is involved. Which, ofcourse, "build up" resistance again.
So I create resistance with doing this; than I can see why I build up so much resistance in the past, in the body. By not seeing how I can move myself, I was trying to move the points.
By pushing the point through the throat instead of moving myself through the point.
Now I see why M. and I friday both had some acid indigestion in the stomach.
The resistance was coming upwards. Instead of Self Standing Up.
How can I practically move through a point?
The ego is floating around.
"See why you cannot yet move the physical -- because the physical is specific and was designed in precision -- it moves in such precision without you -- realize that -- and you will see the ego that floats around in pretence -- stop and humbly learn how to do things in exact precision --WITH WORDS" - Bernard Poolman