What words do I have to speak?
I don't trust the old words. They are all spoken from the mind, spoken out of thoughts, feelings and emotions.
From the heart? Actually I don't know what that is, from the heart. I was trying this and speaking about this in the past, "I want to speak from the Heart". I thought that was "everything" but I never was able to do this. No.
So, I can speak as myself, as Self. Ofcourse as Self. But what is that, speaking as myself?
I realize that I have very little words as myself. I never learned to speak as myself. Words that are alive, All Life. But to learn that, I have to hear them from someone, as someone. So I learn it within Desteni, which means, I learn it by listening and reading words, spoken by people, who realize that they are not a mindsystem. And by reading and listening and practising words, I slowly start seeing the difference between Living Words, words spoken as Self, and System Words, words spoken as the Mind.
Does these words in the beginning not sound as myself? Probably not. Maybe I first copy them, maybe I speak living words still from the mind, as I am "learning " them, before the words (be)come as myself like Living Water.
But me and everyone, we never, or maybe rarely, hear me speaking as myself, because I was only speaking as the mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions. So how do we know what that is? Me, speaking as myself?
And if all people never or rarely were speaking as themselves, but only as the mind, as thoughts, feelings and emotions, how can they see me speeking as myself? The words are not really "recognized" in the mind, so the living words become "difficult to understand".
But everyone is alive, All Life, so everyone has to hear or see something in the living words, even if they are copied, even if they are not really alive because the person who speaks them is not yet really alive, but just waking up. And something must start waking up inside by listening to the sound of a (semi?) living word; (semi, when the person who speaks them is just waking up?)
But waking up, that's most of time not a pleasant moment. We all know that, because every morning we all are struggling with this, with this moment of waking up; experiencing the resistance in the mind, making all excuses to sleep a little longer.
And every day, this is coming back.
So, next time, if I see the reflection of this unpleasant experience that is coming up while (semi) living words are spoken, I should realize, we are waking up, and, untill we are really alive, that's not a pleasant moment, for non of us.
Because what follows after waking up, is Standing Up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to speak from the mind, to speak out my feelings and taking them for 'real', instead of seeing that it were my feelings, coming from my thoughts, that I speak out into the world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to show me in my words as being my feelings.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become nervous if I don't have words from myself to speak instead of just going into breathing and stay Here, breath by breath by breath, to see what happens, what words are coming or maybe not coming from myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become nervous if I just want to be quiet in company of other people, instead of going into breathing and stay here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that other people want me to speak about anything, instead of seeing that it's my own mind who becomes nervous and for that my own mind wants me to speak about anything to fill the silence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to "follow" the mind who becomes nervous when there is silence, instead of staying here and start breathing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel resistance in myself against myself when I am speaking and writing (semi) living words.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have doubts about the question if I "am allowed" to already speak the living words when I just start waking up.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think that it's possible to not be allowed to speak living words, copied or not.
What is a Living Word?
What makes a word Alive?