maandag 20 februari 2012

2012 - sex and the hormonal cycle

I notice within myself (for years and years) that the desire for sex is dependent on the hormonal cyclus. During ovulation I want sex; I just want sex, it can be with anybody. There is no resistance and the sex is always fine. I do not mean 'good' in positions or something like that, it's just that I like it the way it is during that time because I do not experience resistance.  After this I don't want it, it's the dale after the peak. And in the end of the cycle, before menstruation, after the struggle of the period before menstruation where an unseen point is coming up, (which can be created by having sex in/as the mind), there is also a short period that I like it but than it's more silent and the body is more sensitive.

This cycle is driving me crazy. Before it was linked to a desire of wanting children. Within 10 years I walked this through. At the moment it's coming up as a desire 'to practise physical sex'. Which is giving more pressure to this period, especially during ovulation. Because I do not experience resistance in that time I want to have sex. So during that time the partner must be here, must not behave very irresponsable so I will experience resistance anyway which blocks my desire for sex; I must not have pain in the intestine. Well really unconditional isn't it? I as the mind am terrorising the whole situation. It feels like I must have sex than, and if not, than I feel deep disappointment. And during this time I am wondering at the same time, this can not be physical sex if it's so activated by the hormonal cycle, which as far as I know is directly related to the mind. And because I am scared to become dependent on this sex, I am creating trouble here between me and partner, as some kind of protection against my own strong desire to have sex anyway, whatever is going on here. Or am I sabotaging a chance to be intimate with myself in sexual contact with another person? What I can see is that I am trying to walk through the resistance I experience against the partner (which menas against myself not standing alone) by having sex. I still want him to fulfil me with this, so I feel fulfilled for a while.
The disappointment I experience is the disappointment of letting go the relationships in/as/of the mind. Which this hormonal-based sex is part of. Lucky for myself is that I cannot force myself to have sex if I do not want it 100%. I practised this in the past, and if I stay with that principle I am no longer forcing myself into sex, also not if the desire is very strong. But I create frustration inside myself; I attack myself with thoughts like "why is there resistance at this moment, why am I terrorising this situation and I still cannot have sex", etc., which something meas as "why is can this not be the perfect moment to fulfil me as the desire for sex, so that I feel satisfied with myself for a while?"

Within this I can say, I do not know what it is to have physical sex. I do not know how I can have physical sex when the partner is not practising to be in breath by himself. I do not know how I can walk through this resistance if this is the resistance, that the partner is not applying s.f and breath. Which is still dependent on the partner. So I can apply s.f and practise being in breath.
And why am I feeling so desperate in this? This means that I am dependent on the mind, on having sex as the mind, on feeling alive by having sex as the mind. I cannot allow myself to follow this anymore; I feel really ashamed about this and it frustrates the whole situation.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about following my own dependency on the mind who needs sex to feel alive, especially during ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must have sex during the period around ovulation because my whole body feels like having sex during this period.
I forgive myself that I do not have allowed and accepted myself to have sex during this period because I do not trust it as it must come forward out of a desire in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared for the attack afterwards that is coming after sex which is practised in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on the mind by believing that I can only have sex easily during the period around ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that sex needs to be easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that sex is ment for joy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to terrorise myself and the partner around ovulation to have sex in the moment that I am ready for it immediately.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to have sex NOW.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can ask a partner to have sex NOW, instead of seeing that this is manipulation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must create this NOW during the period around ovulation, that this creating is 'taking care of myself', taking care as 'coming up for myself', instead of seeing that the desire for having sex NOW is a desire to have sex in/as the mind, which is not being Here, having sex together here when both partners are here, comfortable with self and eachother which gives an opportunity to share/express ourselves unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only be able to have sex when I feel comfortable, instead of seeing that I can also share myself when I feel uncomfortable, just as I am in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that taking care for myself means trying to get what I want in/as the mind, which give always feelings of disappointment because I am never Here at the right time at the right moment, means NOW, instead of seeing that this taking care of myself as the mind is not best for all as Life but coming forward out of self-interest which makes me feel dissatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create dissatisfaction inside myself by believing that taking care of myself means trying to get what I want in/as the mind, which I am very raraly able to, and thus I feel dissatisfied.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always search for the Now as the perfect moment to fulfil myself with this moment, means to fulfil myself with/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only want sex if I am able to have an orgasm easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel disappointed if I want an orgasm but I do not have (perfectly) it during sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to have sex to experience an orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what it is to have sex without focussing on an orgasm.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance, which is coming forward out of fear, to have sex without focussing on the orgasm with the partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience fear to have sex without focussing on an orgasm with the partner, because I do not know what to do than.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance out of fear against being with the partner physically.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance against being with the partner physically as myself thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance against being with myself physically.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience resistance to embrace the partner as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to use the partner for experiencing an orgasm to veil the resistance that I experience inside myself against being here in the physical with him as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at the partner for not being here at the moment I want sex while on other times he is always here until I become grazy of him being around.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I miss something when I do not have sex during ovulation, instead of seeing that the mind is turning this around; I want sex during ovulation to feel alive because I miss myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an enormous emotion of disappointment when this desire for sex is not fulfilled during ovulation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only know how to express myself during sex with the partner and thus I make myself dependent on the partner for expressing myself, and when there is no opportunity to be together with the partner during ovulation I experience this emotion of disappoinment, of being totally screwed.

There it is. Being screwed, and for not wanting to experience being screwed in/as/by the mind, I want to screw, to keep myself satisfied.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of being screwed by the mind, and for this I am creating an experience of being screwed as having sex.

When and as I see myself participating in the terrorising in/as the mind for longing for sex during ovulation I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that the hormonal cycle is directly connected to the mind to keep the human being enslaved in/as the mind with the desire for sex, all or not ment for reproduction. Following this hormonal desire is keeping me enslaved to the mind, in which I will never be able to be constant as self as life, and thus in which I will never be able to have sex as the physical while being Here.
I embrace myself and forgive myself the allowing of missing myself, spoken in the words that are coming up in that moment. That's enough for the moment, as I am still in the mind and in the mind I cannot see as self as life.

Leon Perry:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself 'separate' from the illusion of desire, and thus 'desire' to exercise the illusion of 'desire' through/within particular specific experiences that I have defined myself as.

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