maandag 27 februari 2012

2012 - Conditions

Today I realized that I created conditions by having conditions.
Which is not unconditional of course.
As example with m in the house, I want him to be financial stable before we can official share the house without social support. He is seeing this point and working on it, but he is 'falling back' every 2 months, having no work. What is my part in this? What can I 'do'? Actually nothing except leaving it completely to him and seeing in my own patterns around this, how I eventually support this creation of him not being financially stable.
I saw that creating this condition is creating this situation for myself that I am in. I create the condition that I am afraid of to happen.
So let's start applying s.f. on this.
Another thing that I do not see clearly is how much influence this has on this situation anyway. M has been at many places and they all say the same: in february there is little work. And I know that he really wants to work and also wants to do everything. So it is dependent on the money-system. He wants to work 5 days, there is no work at the moment. This is also a point that I will apply s.f. on, that I believed that everything is repairable, 'maakbaar' if you really want, in which I simply oversaw the whole inequality in the money-system. A real western 'enlightning' sight of the elite in which I was blinded in this area. (In other areas I experienced that this is not real, I was not able to create a life I wanted, so I never jumped into this theory completely, but in this area I was always able to 'manage' something so it seemed repairable). 

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to live in the house and share the finances together when m is not having a job and cannot pay halve of the rent etc that is needed without having social support.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that having a job is something that you always have in your own hands, instead of seeing that this is an illusion of the elite which I belong to, that I am one of the lucky ones who always have had enough money to have 'healthy' food and a house to live in, including some money to educate myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that with living with m I must experience what it is to not have food and a house to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid that he will pull me down into living in poorness because he is not taking full responsibility for himself as he is not seeing what the mind is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that having food and a house to live in is only dependent on the gradation of one is seeing into self, instead of seeing that the money-system as it exists is not giving the chance to start education in seeing into self as it is keeping human beings enslaved to a survival mode in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame m for his survival mode living in/as the mind, instead of seeing that he is walking his own process which first is stabilizing himself financially.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared of this survival mode in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to go in this survival mode too when we share the house official and m has not enough money to pay half of the rent, instead of seeing that with worrying about this I am living in the same survival mode.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to live in the same survival mode by making worries about m having yes or no enough money in future to pay half of the costs.  
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to support the creation of this situation of living with m who is not yet financial stable by being afraid of living in poverty in future, as at the moment there is more than enough money to live, actually more than I had before when I was living alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to go back to living with very little money as I lived before when I was living alone, as this having a little bit more money was one of the reasons to go to live together in this house. 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define money as 'my' money and 'm's' money.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared for loosing the extra money in future that I have now because m is not having enough money to pay for himself when we share the costs officially, so I have to pay for him than.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be scared to loose all the reasons for living together with m, and for this I will be stuck living in a situation that I don't want to without any reason.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live together with m in the house, instead of just living in this situation as it is in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live, as needing a reason is coming forward out of living in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed of the situation I live in, because in this I see my own creation coming forward out of me not yet able to stand alone, living as a mind-system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about me living as a mind-system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed of being not yet able to stand alone., and for this I created this situation which I am not completely sure of that I want to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to repeat myself in this over and over again, which is keeping me enslaved in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use having doubts as an excuse to not be Here in the physical, accepting the situation as it is and dealing with everything that is coming up in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to deal with any 'problem' that is coming forward out of living with m., and for this every little tiny thing that I am not satisfied with I see as a huge problem, in which I create a lot of energy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use the living together with m in the house as a reason and excuse to create energy by being dissatisfied with every little tiny thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use every little thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself as a trigger-point to the thought that I am not sure if I want to live with m., which is an excuse to keep the relation in/as the mind alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not take full responsibility for myself by reacting on every little tiny thing that I see in m not taking full responsibility for himself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to paralyze myself completely by having conditions to myself and to others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to place this blog, as when I place this blog the s.f. become 'real', and I don't want them to become real, I as the mind want to hold on to my conditions as a protection of myself and my environment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create conditions to protect myself, instead of seeing that this conditions are keeping me in/as the mind, which is a very unsafe place that needs to be protected.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to just got blocked by the protection of my own conditions as my own environment, which I see reflected in protecting my environment as the house that I live in by making conditions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hold on to the conditions as the only connection to the mind, which I see reflected in holding on to the protecting of conditions that I make for taking care of the house as the only connection left between m an me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need something outside me to satisfy me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make want to make the other person equal and one as me, instead of me becoming equal and one as myself as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need a reason to live (together) to feel satisfied in and as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how to correct myself in this.

When and as I see myself participating in making conditions in and as the mind I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I see into the condition that I am speaking about, and within breathing I see what I need to do in the moment.

Here I go into needing, what I 'need' to do in the moment. I leave a backdoor to what I need in the moment.

Again:

I stop speaking immediately and start breathing. Within breathing I see what words are coming up. If there are no words, I don't speak and walk away. Here I start writing s.f. on every emotion of disgust I experience, which is coming forward out of a separation of myself.
I embrace myself in this horrible experience, until I am able to see into this with common sense.
I start speaking when I am able to speak without emotion as what is best for all.

Than how do I direct this situation while I am not yet able to speak without emotion?
I cannot direct the situation, I can only direct myself equal and one within/as the situation.
As long as I am speaking with emotion I am living in/as the mind and not yet able to direct myself as life.
I can apply s.f. on this.
Is this a condition again: that I can only speak when I am in breath?
This is how I silenced myself. I loose sight here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not yet be able to direct myself as life equal and one within/as the situation as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from the environment I live in, which is living in self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to stuck myself within conditions.

I don't need to speak.
Somewhere I started believing that it was my job to speak to correct others, to keep the other person alive. And I was not able to speak so I started feeling guilty about this and stopped speaking as myself as I did not want others to live via me. And now I started to speak again, correcting others. Which I am so very tired of.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need to speak to correct others instead of seeing that I only can speak as an expression of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself so tired by the believe that I need to speak to correct others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to start speaking to correct others to get myself out of the suppressed silence I got stuck in.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to stay in silence as myself.

When and as somebody is triggering me to start speaking a correction I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that when I feel triggered there is something in the mind going on. Somebody is triggering me to keep himself alive by my voice, and I am using my voice to keep the person out of the mind, believing that if I do not voice myself in here the situation will be out of control. So I keep myself alive by controling the situation/the other with my voice. With doing this I go in my mind myself, spinning out of control, and the other person is walking away, feeling alive by my voice.
This is all not voicing myself as Self, so I stop, I breathe.
I  breathe and allow myself to stay in silence, until I am able to speak as an expression of myself.

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