donderdag 1 maart 2012

2012 - system-design of Energy - stuck in Attention

Stuck in attention. From myself and from another person, and the interaction of these two.
I am also stuck in writing this blog.
The attention coming forward out of living via the love for/of another person. Nothing real is possible within this structure as it is build on a relation with conditions. Attention from the other person on me to see if I am still here to give a 'go(o)d' feeling, and me keeping attention on the other person to see if the other person has still the attention on me and within this I am living via my disgust towards this pattern, which still is a relation with the mind. And no I am not here anymore but gone in the disgust, so the other person is keeping more attention on me, etc.

Thought:
"I am stuck in this".

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I am stuck in this".

Trigger-point:
Living in the house with m, stuck in the experience of his presence as his energy-body as his energy-body is triggering my attention/energy-body, believing that I am never coming out of this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect living in the house with m, stuck in the experience of his presence as his energy-body as his energy-body is triggering my attention/energy-body, believing that I am never coming out of this to the thought "I am stuck in this".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist living in the house with m, stuck in the experience of his presence as his energy-body as his energy-body is triggering my attention, believing that I am never coming out of this as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I am stuck in this".

Type of thought:
Belief
Energy-fluctuation

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to belief the thought "I am stuck in this".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist belief within me by believing the thought "I am stuck in this".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create energy out of the thought "I am stuck in this".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist energy-fluctuation within me created by the thought "I am stuck in this".

Other components:
Emotion:
Despair, which leads to indifference, which leads to giving up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I am stuck in this" to an emotional experience of despair, which leads to indifference, which leads to giving up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of despair, which leads to indifference, which leads to giving up.

Why do I experience an emotional experience of despair, which leads to indifference, which leads to giving up?
I experience despair because I do not know how to come out of this misery. I think I have to come out of this to free myself, instead of seeing that within this situation, within staying and seeing into this experience I can free myself. I do not believe that I can ever come out this experience of being stuck, and so I become the emotional experience of indifference, I give up. It does not make sense, 'het heeft toch geen zin', so I give up.
The only thing that has left is sleeping. This I 'feel good' in, in this I do not 'have to do' anything so I can relax.
I am not actually doing this but I am longing for this, which is still as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to belief that I do not know how to come out of this misery.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to come out of this misery instead of seeing that within this situation, within staying and seeing into this experience I can free myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I can ever come out this experience of being stuck, and and so I become the emotional experience of indifference and give up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become the emotional experience of indifference.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to give up.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to go into sleeping as the only thing that has left that 'feels good'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep the relation with the mind as 'feeling good' alive by the desire to go back to sleep to feel good, and within this I do the same as m which I want him to stop, to live via 'a go(o)d feeling' which is living in/as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from 'feeling good', from me being go(o)d as life, and for this I am longing for an experience outside myself where I can feel good in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see sleeping as the only place that I can relax in, that I do not have to do anything in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from myself as a place where I can relax and for this I am longing for an experience outside myself to relax.

What am I stuck in?
I am stuck in attention.
It started in the first relationship I was in on earth with the mother. She laid her attention on me (see the blog living via the love of/for another person). To get away from this, from Here, I started hiding in the mind. Where I became stuck in my own attention, my own consciousness. I started hiding in my room in the house I grew up in. And I am living in exactly the same situation at the moment. Living in the house with a person that wants to live via the love for me so laying attention on me, and for this I am 'paying' attention on him to see if he is not laying attention on me, reacting as if his attention can freeze me, and within this I am freezing myself. I asked him to knock on the door before coming in and I will do the same; as as long we are not able to walk into the other room in breath we are disturbing each other.
I am stuck living in the house with a person that I have nothing in common with (as the mind); we cannot communicate. I am stuck in my greatest nightmare, which happens when you go walking life asleep. Than you slowly but surely wake up in the greatest nightmare. Which is also not real but which I experience as real at the moment. When I write this 'but' I see that I am not ready to give up om this, I use it for something. I am holding on to an illusion of a relationship. I am holding on to the illusion of the relationship in general as something real. And within this I create all misery and sadness and other feelings and emotions, all energy.
So actually I am stuck in the energy that is coming forward out of the situation of living in the house together where I am stuck in attention of the mind of myself, in my own energy-body/relation with my own mind which is extensively triggered by the energy-body/relation with the mind of the other person.
He is living via his love for me, I am living via my disgust against this living via his love for me.
Which gives conflict which gives energy, which gives reaction after reaction until we are stuck in reaction on each others attention.

(I am dissatisfied with the situation that I live in, with the man that I live with (next blog: need-desire-dissatisfaction).)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to got stuck in attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become so very angry when m is trying to get my attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become possessed by my own angryness when m is trying to get my attention, so I got stuck in my own possession.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know how to stay in breath when m is trying to get my attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not allow myself to stay in breath when m is trying to get my attention as this allowing myself to stay in breath feels like giving up myself, as myself as the mind is the only capacity that I know as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget to stay in breath when m is trying to get my attention, and instead of this I believe that I have to do something with this angryness that is coming up and that I have to make clear to the other person that he must stop with trying to get my attention, which of course is giving more attention and creating energy to keep the relation with the mind alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for this, for allowing myself to abuse myself with my own angryness and frustration and leave myself behind, desperate and exhausted without really seeing where I left myself behind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience myself as so very inferior by this behaviour of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for this stupid reacting everytime on this stupid call of attention from another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as stupid that I react on every call of attention from another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define a call of attention as stupid and with doing this I create another layer of judgement.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become over-sensitive by this over-reacting on every call of attention outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as over-sensitive, instead of seeing that this pattern of attention I lived in as a child did have become abusive, and living in abuse as a child is not an easy thing to live in.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this over-sensitivety is real, instead of seeing that this is the energy-body as the relation with the mind that has become over-sensitive by over-reacting on every call of attention outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to isolate myself because I cannot handle my own reactions on the call of attention outside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an extremely disgust towards myself, projected on the other person, because of this over-reacting on every call of attention outside me, which means that I seperated myself from my over-reacting on every call outside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being consumed by the other person, which is actually to fear being consumed by my own reactions as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect being consumed by the other person which is actually being consumed by my own reactions as the mind to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear as I as the mind as consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to control the environment that I live in because I cannot handle the over-reaction of myself on every call of attention outside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for controling the environment I live in because I cannot handle the reactions inside myself on every call of attention outside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to see the tendence inside myself to ask his attention because I blame myself for over-reacting on his call of attention, and with this we keep stuck in asking attention and pushing away.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to confuse and scare m by asking him to stop asking me for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take responsability for m by believing that he does not understand what I am speaking about, by substitute experience of what it must be for m in this situation and within this I am keeping him alive with over-explaining and being too carefully about what is going on, which is exactly what he as the mind wants.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep a relation to the mind alive by acting as this substitute experience of what it must be for m in this situation which is actually controling the situation with responsability for the other person, insetad of taking responsability for myself by stopping my own reactions on this pattern of being stuck in this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to paralyze myself by over-reacting on the call of attention outside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to react on the call of attention outside me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see when a question is real and when a question is just a call for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to see if a question is a call for attention or a 'real' question, as I cannot see what it means for the other person to ask me this question; the only thing that I can see into is in my own reactions on this question.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that every question is a call for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience seeing into this, into my own pattern of reactions as so very horrible that I do not believe that many people will start seeing into this within themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an emotion of sadness by the realization that m will not walk this way with me, that I have to walk this walk alone, and for this I should not ask him to understand me, I should not ask him for attention.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience being alone when I push away m.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am a horrible person to live with, that every one has to walk on mouse-feet when I am in the house and for that I prefer to live alone with animals as this is the only place I know where I can relax inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate the systems inside myself, all of them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate being a system which is hating myself as I have become these systems.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create a tenced atmosphere in the house by asking for not asking for my attention and with this I only enlarge the attention upon and within myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel such an idiod for stepping into this pattern over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to judge myself as being an idiod for stepping into this pattern over and over again which is only cerating another layer of judgement which is keeping me away from what is really going on, from myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel terrible because I worry about what other person will think of me when I behave like this, which is keeping me away from myself and puts my attention on others as worries about their thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to worry about other people thoughts, instead of seeing into my own thoughts and start working with these.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself responsable for the thoughts of other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I do not know how to have a conversation without triggering this energy-body, instead of seeing that a conversation is in/as the mind, which is always connected to this energy-body as this is the personal relation to the mind-system.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am not able to communicate as myself without making worries about the thoughts of other people.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to always have my attention outside myself when I am with another person without having another focus together, scanning the environment if everything is okay, if the other person is not paying attention to me and with doing this I pay attention to them, I lay my consciousness on them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to sleep so much in the past because this paying attention exhausted me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to allow myself to suppress myself with the mind-attentions/consciousness, which gives the experience of being exhausted as this suppressing as the mind costs a lot of energy as the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ask people questions 'out of interest' to give them some attention to focus on, to distract the attention from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not being able to move when m is nearby, and within him I see the same, he is not able to move when I am nearby.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want other people to hear me because than they can lay their attention on me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to only 'feel good' when another person understands me, in which I make myself as the mind as feeling good completely dependant on the understanding of other people.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to feel good instead of seeing that feeling good is keeping myself in relation with the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am responsable for the thoughts of another person, and for this I could not stop reacting on/correcting the other person as I saw this as the only way to stop my own reactions inside and have a livible life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself responsable for the thoughts of another person by reacting on the thoughts with thoughts, feelings and emotions and within this making the other person responsable for my reactions on the other person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the thought "I am stuck in this".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the experience of being stuck is real, instead of seeing that I as the mind am stuck in my own reactions that I create in/as the mind; I as self can not be stuck in this as I as self am not my reactions as thoughts, emotions and feelings.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself as life by I as the mind, which gives the experience of being stuck in attention of consciousness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am stuck in this.

I cannot believe that I gave up on myself for the love of the other person.
This is what I experience everytime when another person is 'betraying' me, as in lying to me to safe his/her own ass, probably to not 'loose' me.  And this is what I have done somewhere, I gave up on myself for the love of the other person, going into the mind, betraying myself, lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I gave up on myself for the love of the other person, and thus I become angry when I see another person giving up on self and lysing for the love of me as another person.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can only walk together with a person with a likely energy-body as seen in the construct of soulmates/soulgroups, instead of seeing that with this I will give up on myself again, or actually go on with giving up on myself for living in the good feeling that I experienced in/as the mind while two beings from the same soulgroup come together.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define this good feeling that I experience in/as the mind while being together with a being from the same soulgroup as being alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience an emotion of sadness by the realization that this illusion of feeling good with a being from the same soulgroup is not real.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in attention I stop, I breathe.
I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I believe that I need to be in a relationship with someone who has the same kind of energy-body as I have, as this is the only way to stay together without being irritated too much by the presence/energy-body of the other person. And so I believe that it is not possible to be together with a person who has a different kind of energy-body as me, like my mother or m. I believe that I am 'right' in this, and so I think I have the right to be angry at them and to walk away from them.

Relationships are in/as the mind, which I am not continue living in. So the energy-body of myself as the relation of me with my mind is going to stop by applying self-forgiveness and corrective statements. This is the only way to stop my reactions on the energy-body of another person. And this will take time and lot's of pushing of and patience towards myself, as this energy-body is the only thing that I believe that I know as myself and that I created an believe in as being me, as this is my justification of my behaviour while living in the horrible experience of growing up in an unequal situation in/as the mind.

When and as I see myself reacting as an energy-body towards the call of attention or even just on the presence of another person as an energy-body, I stop, I breathe.
I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I react as an energy-body on a different kind of energy-body, which is not real, which is not who I am as life or who the other person is as life.
I realize that stopping these reactions feels like giving up on myself, which is actually giving up on what I know as myself as an energy-body as a relation to the mind.
I realize that this experience is really unnatural, as me as the energy-body is what is known as natural as what has existed very constantly for a very long time.
I realize that I believe that this natural experience is real, so I make living within this natural experience reality.
I realize that stopping this natural experience as substitute of living feels like dying as giving up on everything that I have ever known and that I have ever 'feel good' in.

So I stop, I breathe. I embrace myself in this experience of dying, in this giving up on 'feeling good' as a substitute for life. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself for separating myself from dying and living, holding myself in breath, to breathe myself alive.
I will not allow myself to go into an experience of feeling good; I hold myself here and accept that this is not a nice experience as it feels 'not good', until I stop the separation of myself as go(o)d and not g(o)od.

Word:
Attention
In the thought "I am stuck in this" is 'this' 'Attention', I am stuck in attention.
I redefine attention as I redefinine what I am stuck in; if I redefine what I think that I am stuck in I take away the load of being stuck as I am not able to be stuck in this anymore.

Defenition: Aandacht, oplettendheid, attentie
attentie: kleine beleefdheidsdienst
aandacht: opmerkzaamheid, oplettendheid

at·ten·tion

[n. uh-ten-shuhn; interj. uh-ten-shuhn] Show IPA
noun
1. the act or faculty of attending, especially by directing the mind to an object.
2. Psychology .
a. a concentration of the mind on a single object or thought, especially one preferentially selected from a   complex, with a view to limiting or clarifying receptivity by narrowing the range of stimuli.
b. a state of consciousness characterized by such concentration.
c. a capacity to maintain selective or sustained concentration.
3. observant care; consideration: Individual attention is given to each child.
4. civility or courtesy: attention to a guest.
5. notice or awareness: His deliberate cough caught the waiter's attention.

1. awareness, consciousness, watchfulness, alertness, mindfulness, heed. 4.  deference, politeness, regard; respect, homage.
Origin: 1325–75; Middle English attencioun  < Latin attentiōn-  (stem of attentiō ). See attent, -ion

Attent leads to attend teads to tenet which is holds.

All defenitions and origins of holding with/in/as the mind.

The only word I can work with is awareness.
If I am aware as myself I am no longer paying attention or disturbed by attention.
To become aware I hold the attention within myself, to see in the mind where I seperated myself from myself as life.

Positive/negative charge:
Depending on the persons energy-body that the attention comes from positive or negative, which is depending on preference of the relationship with/in/as the mind.

New defenition:
Being aware of self to see where I as the mind has seperated myself from self as life.

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