vrijdag 16 maart 2012

2012 - system-design of Desire and Need

I need to be right.
I need to speak to let me hear, to show that I am right.

I feel so aggrieved, verongelijkt, 'unequaled' inside myself that I need to be right and for that I need to speak. Which makes me so very tired, which is another system-design.
This will express in reactions, which is not a self-expression but an expression of/as the mind. Within this I try to convince somebody. I try to convince the other that I am right.
Why do I need to be right?
Because I believe that I am 'wrong' all the time. I have the experience to be wrong, fault all the time. Which indicates that I am not one and equal as myself, I am in polarity. So I need to be right, ik wil gelijk hebben, because I am unequal within myself, ik ben ongelijk in/als mezelf, and within this unequal to the other person.

Thought:
I need to be right.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that I need to be right.

Trigger-point:
m who is having an emotional reaction on me going out with a friend.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m who is having an emotional reaction on me going out with a friend to the thought "I need to be right".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m who is having an emotional reaction on me going out with a friend as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I need to be right".

Type of thought:
Need

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need to be right.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist need inside me by participating in th ethought "I need to be right".

Other components:
Emotion:
Injury, verongelijking

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I need to be right" to an emotion of injury/verongelijking.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotion of injury/verongelijking.

Why do I connect an emotion of injury to the thought "I need to be right?"
I believe that I have to speak to m when m is blaming me for something out of emotions.
I do not believe that he sees what he is doing; that he sees that it's something about himself that he blames on me. And when he is not seeing into self, we cannot speak in equality. Every conversation is going difficult as I am trying to 'tell him' something and he is only trying to protect himself for my convince without listening to the words I speak. We are not expressing ourselves as self, we are reacting in/as the mind.
Because I know he is not working with the tools and because I hear in his words that he is not understanding that he is speaking about himself, I start to feel unsafe. Why? What feels so unsafe in this for me, if I know that he is speaking about himself? Is it the attack of the mind? Is it that he has to affirm me in the words I speak? Do I still believe him, that the words he speaks are about me? Is this just it? That I believe all the time that the words another person is speaking are about me, and within this I start to believe that the words I speak are about him, or actually that I have the right to speak these words about him, and within this believing I start to convince him with and from my words, so actually I start to convince him to be (like) me, because I want to convince him that the words I speak - that are actually about myself - are about him, so that he is what I speak about myself.
Within this I started to believe that the words of mam are about me, and so I started to believe that I am her, which I don't want to be, so I don't want to be Here (within another lesson I saw that I connected I am here to I am her). Which is unequal with myself, not being Here, which makes me feel aggrieved, injured, unequaled, and so I try to convince m to make him equal with me so that I can be Here, instead of making myself equal with myself/with my own reactions in which I can be Here. I do exactly the same as what is done to me. I did become her.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need m to be able to be Here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the words m speaks are about me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the words mam speaks/has spoken are about me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel unsafe when m or mam does not see that the words they speak are about themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need m or mam to affirm me in the words I speak.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel aggrieved, injured, verongelijkt because I believe that the words m and mam speak are about me, and within this I become him/her, instead of being Here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to convince m with my words, and within this doing exactly the same as mam did to me, trying to make me like her/trying to make him like me, to confirm ourselves in/as the mind to make the environment feel safe to be Here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need another person to confirm me to make myself feel safe to be Here.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need to be right to make the environment safe to be Here by trying to get the affirmation of the m and mam, the affirmation of me being right, because I am feeling all wrong/verongelijkt inside myself by separating myself from myself being one and equal as myself by believing that the words of m/mam are about me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget to breathe when I am trying to convince m, and within this I am not Here but in the mind, which makes me feel unsafe, and for that I need to convince m to affirm me to make me feel safe.

Coming forward out of this is the desire to have sex to feel alive. When m is not seeing into self I believe it's not safe enough to have sex with him, and so I need to confirm him that I am right, so that he is seeing that his words are about himself and not about me so we can have sex.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to desire to have sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to need sex to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to confirm m that the words he speaks are about him, so that he is seeing into self so that it is safe enough for me to have sex woith him to feel alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at m that he is not seeing into self because than I believe that we cannot have sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at m because I can also not have sex with another man because m is living here in the same house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be angry at m that he is not giving me an ooportunity to live via him by having sex or by having feelings for him which I don't have.

When and as I see myself participating in the need to be right while speaking with m I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical. I breathe again, to give myself time to become Here.
I realize that the unsafe feeling is because I am not really Here, but still in the mind, believing that m has to affirm me in/as the mind, otherwise he will eventually attack me or provoke me.
I realize that m cannot really attack or provoke me, he can only attack and provoke me in/as the mind. As long as I am Here in breath, nothing will happen. If I feel provoked by his words/behaviour of the mind, I stop, I breathe. I realize that he is speaking about himself and not wanting to see into this, and so he is trying to provoke me, so that I bacome angry at him and than he can blame me of attacking him, which gives the opportunity to escape from seeing into self. And within this I created another layer of judgement within myself by reacting in angryness, and so I also don't have to see inside myself as in the reactions that I experience as aggrieved/verongelijkt when m is provoking me. Actually I am aggrieved because I am not one and equal as myself by reacting on this, which enlarges the experience of feeling aggrieved.
When and as I do myself see going into reactions when I am speaking with m and something in his words or behaviour is provoking me, I stop, I breathe. I breathe again. I realize that I can stop my reactions any moment I want, this is all about me. The only reason that is keeping me away from this is the believe that I need to be right. Which is a believe in/as the mind, to keep me enslaved in/as the mind, to keep me away from seeing into the pain I experience by past memories of feeling aggrieved.
I breathe, and within this breathing I see what is best for all to do. I can stay in silence and listen to the words m speaks and I can walk away if I am not able to stay in breath in this moment in his company.
When I am alone I immediately start writing to see what is going on inside me, and within this I can apply self-forgiveness and embrace myself in the experience of feeling aggrieved.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to be swept away by believing the words m and mam speak are about me, and within this believing I fear to disappear in the black hole that I created by separating myself from self, by believing that the words m and mam speak are about me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect being swept away by believing the words m and mam speak are about me, and within this believing I fear to disappear in the black whoe that I created by separating myself from selfm by believing that the words m and mam speak are about me to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to dissappear in the black hole.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect disappearing in the black hole to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the black hole is real, instead of seeing that I created thsi black hole by myself by separating myself from self, by believing that the words that m and mam speak are about me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to write the black hole as black whole, which indicates that the whole, everything is a black hole, and thus I don't want to be Here as I experience everything that I know as this black hole.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that what I know as life is really Life, and for that I don't want to be Here because I don't like that what I know as life because I experience this as a black hole, instead of seeing that this what I know, this what I experience as a black hole, is not real, and I don't have to go into that again to become alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have, that I need to go into the black hole again to become alive, and for that I need to be right, instead of seeing that with believing that I need to be right I keep myself prison in this experience of the black hole, trying to convince m to make the black hole liveable, which is not possible as in the black hole there is no real Life possible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to make the black hole liveable.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ask m to become alive by trying to convince him, in which I am a living example of death, keeping me and him prison in this black hole, which feels very unsafe, for me and for him, and within this experience of feeling unsafe nothing will ever change as it feels too unsafe to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear the black hole, instead of seeing that the black hole is actually the whole life I know in/as the mind, which is the same as fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to FEAR MY OWN FEAR.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to live in/as the mind because everybody is there, and if I am not there I am alone, instead of seeing that this is exactly what I am here, Al(l)one.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to agree in and as the mind with m, mam and everybody around me, instead of seeing that this will leep me enslaved in/as the mind.

When and as I see myself participating in fear as in a feeling of unsafety, I stop, I breathe. I breathe again, as I realize that I am participating in/as the mind, which will always feel unsafe and where no life is possible. So I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical. As being Here in Breath is the only place where I can become alive, being safe one and equal as myself.

Word:
(to be) Right

Defenition:

right

[rahyt] Show IPA adjective, -er, -est, noun, adverb, verb
adjective
1. in accordance with what is good, proper, or just: right conduct.
2. in conformity with fact, reason, truth, or some standard or principle; correct: the right solution; the right answer.
3. correct in judgment, opinion, or action.
4. fitting or appropriate; suitable: to say the right thing at the right time.
5. most convenient, desirable, or favorable: Omaha is the right location for a meatpacking firm.
noun
18. a just claim or title, whether legal, prescriptive, or moral: You have a right to say what you please.
19. Sometimes, rights. that which is due to anyone by just claim, legal guarantees, moral principles, etc.: women's rights; Freedom of speech is a right of all Americans.
20. adherence or obedience to moral and legal principles and authority.
21. that which is morally, legally, or ethically proper: to know right from wrong.
22. a moral, ethical, or legal principle considered as an underlying cause of truth, justice, morality, or ethics.
1. equitable, fair, honest, lawful. 2. accurate, true. 4. fit, seemly. 5. proper. 10. obverse. 17. rightful. 21. morality, virtue, justice, fairness, integrity, equity, rectitude. 43. rightfully, lawfully, rightly, justly, fairly, equitably. 44.  appropriately, suitably.
1–5, 10, 21.  wrong.
Origin: before 900; (noun and adj.) Middle English; Old English reht, riht;  cognate with Dutch, German recht, Old Norse rēttr, Gothic raihts;  akin to Latin rēctus, Old Irish recht  law, Greek orektós  upright; (v.) Middle English righten, Old English rihtan,  cognate with Old Frisian riuchta, German richten, Old Norse rētta;  (adv.) Middle English; Old English rihte
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It's a word within polarity, with the origin of recht. The right to do something, say something etc. Right did come in with the polarity of the mind, to control the world in polarity.

Positive/negative charge:
positive charge as it gives me as the mind a feeling of relief when I believe that I do the 'right' thing; living in/as the mind always searching for the right way, and believing that I do things right, which is not giving space to another person as the other person is easily doing things wrong in my eyes. Not wolrdwide, there I can see the large perspective and equality within myself easily, but in the house I loose sight, as it seems to close to believe that it has nothing to do with me.

New defenition:
To use common sense to see as it is in reality

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