zondag 19 februari 2012

2012 - Fear disguised as disgust - blog 4/fear

The word disguised is already written very close at disgust, and so is to discuss.
I experience a lot of disgust. I will take a small example to write out.
I experience disgust when m is walking as a zombie downstairs after waking up out of bed. I experience disgust against the heavyness of thoughts that I experience around him, especially during that hour. I believe that this are his thoughts, but it is my experience so it must be my thoughts that are activated by him being around. It are my reactions at him being around that I experience disgust against. So it is myself that I experience disgust against.
What thought is coming up?
I loathe him.
ok I cannot even write further here. I feel so ashamed about this; about projecting this horrible thought (as I experience it) on another person. I write it out to take it all back to self.

Thought:
I loathe him walking around like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I loathe him walking around like a zombie".

Trigger-point:
m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie to the thought "I loathe him walking around in the house like a zombie".
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist m walking around in the house in morning like a zombie as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I loathe him walking around like a zombie.

Type of thought:
Fear disguised as disgust

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to loathe/experience disgust out of fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist fear disguised as disgust within me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Despair

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I loathe him walking around like a zombie" to an emotional experience of despair.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of despair.

Why do I connect the thought 'I loathe him walking around like a zombie" to an emotional experience of despair?
I believe that I am stuck in this situation forever. Which means that I am stuck in the mind forever, always connected to a person I experience disgust at. Which must be myself, projected on the person I live in the house with. It started in the house as a little kid, and I recreated it so I live in it at the moment. The despair is that I am never able to live the life I want because I have to take care for m (in past for mam, so also m) forever. And within this I am not able to take care for myself, and I use the care-taking for the other as an excuse to not have to take care of myself means to not stand alone and live the life I want.
Here happens something interesting, in this 'the life I want'. If I write 'as what is best for all' behind it, I see that I am living in the situation that is best for all at the moment. As I do not write this behind it, I experience immediately dissatisfaction inside myself. So 'the life I want' means the life I want out of self-interest. And what is this life in self-interest connected to or even similar at? Sex! Life with the perfect sex-partner, to make me feel alive without me needing to do anything for it.
I see now that I loathe myself for not willing to take care of others as myself, for myself as others. I see for years and years what is going on and I refuse to speak up as what is best for all. Instead of this I created an experience of disgust against everything and everyone that I see who is not taking responsability as self, but (!) I fear to speak up. This experience of disgust is coming in between, it is diverting my attention so I won't look further inside myself, bringing it back to self. Instead of this I turn away my head to the right, boom looking into the system. Locked up in the mind. Walking around like a zombie.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience despair because I believe that I am stuck in this situation forever, living in a house with a person that I experience dusgust at, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience despair out of fear to be stuck in my own experience of disgust so in the mind forever.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I will be stuck in this situation of experiencing disgust against another person and myself forever.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not take care for myself and others as myself by believing that the experience of disgust is real.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to turn away my head to the right, looking in the system when I experience disgust, instead of speaking up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create an experience of disgust against myself because I am not speaking up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to project this experience of disgust against myself, coming forward out of not speaking up as self, to others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the disgust I experience is real, and for this I do not allow myself to look further inside myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the disgust is real, and for this I do not allow myself to speak up as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not give myself the chance to bring the disgust back to self where I can transend as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of disgust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to seperate myself from the experience of despair.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience dissatisfaction because I believe that I want to live another life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to want to live another life in self-interest, and for this I create an experience of dissatisfaction which keeps me prison in the mind, which enlarge or even cerate the experience that i want to live another life (in self-interest).
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not believe that I am able to stand up in this situation and direct myself as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to walk around like a zombie.

Type of fear:
Fear of lost and within this fear of death

And this is what I fear: that people turn away their head from me, experiencing disgust when I speak as self, disgust by seeing what is real as themselves and projecting this on me. Looking in the system as the truth because 'everybody else is doing this'. Being spit on, rejected, cast out, banned. To be left alone.
And within this fear of death because I did not learn what it is to stand alone, without having relations (SEX!) to be alive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to be spit on, rejected, cast out, banned.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to be spit on, rejected, cast out, banned to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear that people turn away their head and experience disgust when I speak as self.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect people turning away their head, experiencing disgust when I speak as self to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear death because I didnot learn what it is to stand alone as self without having relations/sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to stand alone without having relations/sex to fear and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.

I don't want to breathe/speak myself alive, I want to be fucked alive and doing nothing; sex as breath, as I already wrote before.

The ultimate laziness and denial. That's why I slept so much, and still am struggling with the sleeping.
Something happened that I seperated myself from, so I fell apart, and within this people were able to 'take apart of me' (as the mind); because I believed them, I gave away a part of me; every time I believed them or pretending that I believed them. Pretending is living in/as the mind to protect the mind.
What do I fear when I experience disgust to another person walking like a zombie in the house?
To be left alone? To see myself? I cannot see in this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see how fear is disguised as disgust to another person walking like a zombie in the house.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of disgust I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I experience disgust because I am not yet standing as self but connected to another person in/as the mind. This has nothing to do with the other person, the other person is only reflecting to me what I seperated myself from.
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of despair I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize thet I experience despair because I still believe that I am stuck in the mind forever, which means that I believe the lies of my own mind which is bringing forward an experience of despair, not able to change myself in the situation I live in.
When and as I see myself participating in an experience of dissatisfaction I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I experience dissatisfaction because I donot believe that I am able to change myself in this situation/life I live in, and thus I want another life instead of changing myself in this situation by making myself one and equal as the situation by applying s.f.. This makes me able to stand up in this situation equal as me and change the situation as myself.

I breathe. Within this breath I see what I have to apply in this breath/moment. This is the only thing I can work with, with the point that is Here in this moment. Everything else that I am busy with is in/as the mind, which will give me experiences of dissatisfaction, despair and disgust because I am not able to change things in/as the mind in which I am seperated of myself as life.

Word:
Disgust

Defenition:
afkeer, misselijkheid / to turn away, nausea
misselijkheid: miss a lijk/like heid.
dislike

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Origin:

1590–1600; (v.) < Middle French desgouster, equivalent to des- dis-1 + gouster to taste, relish, derivative of goust taste < Latin gusta ( see choose); (noun) < Middle French desgoust, derivative of the v.

 

verb (used with object)
1. to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference: She chose Sunday for her departure.
2. to prefer or decide (to do something): He chose to run for election.
3. to want; desire.
4. (especially in children's games) to contend with (an opponent) to decide, as by odd or even, who will do something: I'll choose you to see who gets to bat first.
 
Origin:

before 1000; Middle English chosen, chēsen, Old English cēosan; cognate with Gothic kiusan, Old High German kiosan ( German kiesen ); akin to Greek geúesthai to enjoy, Latin gustāre to taste ( see gusto)

discussed, disgust .
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To disgust of the discussions in/as the mind.

So disgust leads to choose, to taste, taste is related to nausea. Nausea is coming forward out of missing self, searching for likeness as me, for oneness and equality. To choose gives always seperation (which gives discussion). To choose between myself and the other, because I believe that me and the other are not one and equal. Here self-interest is coming in. I choose for myself because I want to taste, to enjoy. To place my self(interest) above the other/what is best for all. Which gives an experience of disgust/nausea/misselijkheid. I choose and I choose 'wrong', so I feel quilty. In choosing I will always choose wrong because to choose is in/as the mind in polarity, so I do not want to choose anymore so I turn away my head (looking to the right in the system, so I am in polarity anyway, within this I choose already, I loose already myself, I loose myself in choice and I cannot choose, so I paralyze, doing nothing).

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
I valued it with a negative charge in it's totality, and for this I did not dare to see in it for a long time, and when I experience it in the moment I have a tendency to immediately walk/look away from it.
The new defenition gives another value which will support to see into the disgust veiling the fear.

New defenition:
The experience of the seperation inside from self as others as life.

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