2012 - To fear being innocent - blog 3/fear

The only thing that I was really sure of, is that I would never be together with a man that I am not 100% sure of that I want to be with. And what did I do? I live in a house with a man that I am not sure of that I want to live with.
I still believe I love another man from time till time. Or it's more, I blame myself that I did not dare to wait to see if we are able to live together in a certain way or not. I did not dare to wait until he was ready to walk to me and speak to me. I was too scared that I would 'fall' again for him and that he would walk away again, or that he would not come to me at all. Instead of this, I started to walk with another man, and I used him as kind of protection against the other man. "I am save". And I wanted the other man to come to me anyway, also if I was not alone anymore; which of course he did not do. I wanted to kind of test him; if he really wants to see me he can come to me anyway, if I am living alone or not. This is not how it works, tests are not really alive, only the mind tests.

I still don't know if this is real or not. If I was waiting for an illusion. The point is, I did not dare to wait to see into the situation to see if it is an illusion or not. I was not 'strong' enough, means I was not standing alone. And I knew from the beginning, I can only meet him again if I stand alone. Okay, than I first have to walk the process to stand alone; and that's not done in a year. And for walking the process to stand alone, I am living with another man. I hate myself for this and I do not know if I can forgive myself this.

I stop making excuses that the other man would not have come to me, that this man is 'better for me' etc, as I know it's not about them. It's about me and the choices that I made out of fear. Because I was not standing alone, I did not have patience to be alone until I see what way the situation with the one man is going to until I start walking with another man. And so I started walking with another man out of fear, I putted that man some kind of between me and the other man to protect myself against my own fear to stand alone. So the starting-point was fear. In every moment that I wanted to end this walking with him I looked very carefully inside myself and into the situation what is best for all, and every time I came to the conclusion that I must not stop this walking together as this would not be best for all. So I walk on. Still this point is coming back in another layer. Before I was busy all day with the question what I must choose to do, and afterwards I am busy with searching in the mind if I made the right choice or not. It's the same point, keeping me busy/enslaved in/to the mind.

Thought:
I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this".

Trigger-point:
Behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with to the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this". 
 
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let the behaviour without self-responsibility of the man I live with exist as a trigger-point within me, which triggers the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this".

Type of thought:
Aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone)

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone) inside me against myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let exist aversion (as a seperation of the fear to stand alone) against myself inside me.

Other components:
Emotion:
Disgust; which is always coming forward out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this" to an emotional experience of disgust.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate in an emotional experience of disgust.

Why do I connect the emotion of disgust to the thought "I hate myself for the fact that I am not yet able to stand alone and I do not know if I can forgive myself this"?
I hate myself for not being able to stand alone in self-trust, one and equal as the words I speak, independent from a man to live with or without and thus not able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself.
I see now that I want to jump immediately to the finish, where I stand alone. In my mind I am at the finish already for years but I did not walk this in reality. And so I am frustrated in/as the mind that I am not able to be 'there' as where I think I must be (which is not being here).
I translate this being able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself as being able to wait forever for a man who is not yet taking full responsibility for himself, which keeps me waiting in/as the mind, not walking a process to stand alone in self-trust.
Within this I still want a relationship so the man must take as much self-responsibility as I, to be able to stay in an 'equal' relationship.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for not being able to stand alone in self-trust, one and equal as the words I speak, independent from a man to live with or without and thus able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I can immediately jump to the finish, where I stand alone without willing to walk this process in reality to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be frustrated in/as the mind that I am not able to be 'there' as where I think I must be, instead of seeing that wanting to be there is not being here in breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to translate this being able to be with a man who is taking full responsibility for himself as being able to wait forever for a man who is not yet taking full responsibility for himself, which keeps me waiting in/as the mind, not walking a process to stand alone in self-trust but waiting in the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to still want a relationship where the man must take as much self-responsibility as I to be able to stay in an 'equal' relationship.

I want the man to forgive me that I did not wait for him. Which is the same as asking God for forgiveness, asking 'the One' to forgive me because I think I am not able to forgive myself.
So I fear that I am not able to forgive myself and for that I have to live in hell/mind till eternity.

This is not a cool blog, I am so very hard on myself. I punish myself with this thinking.
Yesterday I saw why I 'miss' that specific man so very much. As a child, I closed the anus as being innocent, with the consequence that I had to open the vagina to be able to live. I moved from the innocence to the pubic-area, in dutch called 'schaam-streek ('shame-area'). Via the vagina I am able to experience (a substitute for) life.
The man that I 'miss' gave me the chance to share myself unconditionally via the vagina. In the sexual contact he was here without wanting anything from me, without making abuse in some kind of way. He was here unconditionally and I could express myself unconditionally.
This made me dependent; it was via the vagina so I was not standing alone. I only could express myself unconditionally with him. I knew I should be able to express myself independent from him, but because I closed the anus so I do not live in innocence, I am not yet able to. So I want something from him; I wanted him to stay so I could be in innocence with him. He could not stay in this, as he was abused himself in a way. We stumbled at the same point in polarity. So he walked away. I knew I had to find this within myself, but I did not see that I was so 'far away' from being innocent. I saw in him that he needed a process for years; I was seeing myself. I see that I have no idea what it is to be innocent as self and I need a process for years to become innocent as myself.

I miss the man because I separated myself from the experience of being innocent in/as myself, being one and equal as myself, which I experienced in/as the mind via the vagina for a moment with that man. So I miss myself being innocent as self.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for not being innocent as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know what being innocent as myself is.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about myself needing the vagina to feel alive, and with needing the vagina to feel alive, to express myself, I make myself dependent on the man.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed for living with the man in the house that I am not 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I only can live in the house with a man that I am 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself that I live in the house with a man that I am not 100% sure of that I want to live with.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live with the man because I am not yet able to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live with the man in the house to be able to express myself via the vagina as being alive.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I need a man to feel safe to express myself via the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to trap myself in living in the house with a man that I like to express myself with via the vagina, without seeing that I am not longer able to express myself via the vagina without standing equal and one as myself, and thus I am trapped in a situation where I have to become equal and one as myself if I want to share myself equal and one as self in sex in breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I express myself in the house but not outside the house.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed that I live in the pubic-area/schaam-streek, as living in the pubic-area is like living in the pub(l)ic-area, and for that I do not experience being save in/as myself, as I do not know what it is to live in innocence as myself, which is the only 'place' that I am really safe in/as.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to take all the blame on my shoulders for the situation where I did not wait for the man that walked away, instead of seeing that he created the situation himself too by walking away without speaking to me in which I gave so many opportunities to start speaking to me: in fact he has the opportunity to speak to me in any moment he wants to, so I stop blaming myself and start forgiving myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that he would speak to me if I lived alone at the moment, instead of seeing that I do not know if he would speak to me anyway.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to punish myself with the thinking that I should have waited for the man, instead of seeing that waiting is not self-honest, and living as self without waiting was not possible as I was/am not yet able to live in innocence as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from missing myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from myself as life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from feeling ashamed.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from feeling guilty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed about the situation that I live in that I created myself, so I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel guilty and ashamed about myself being who I am/was in the past, and with feeling guilty and ashamed of who I am/was, I keep myself prison in blame and shame in the mind, unable to change myself into me being self-responsible.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to keep myself prison in the mind by blaming myself for and feeling ashamed about me in the past which makes me unable to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself unable to change.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become dependent on a man that has to be 'perfect fitting' for me because I am only able to express myself if I 'feel save' in/as the vagina, and the vagina needs someone to share with via the vagina, so the vagina needs a perfect fit as a penis.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make myself dependent on shame by being dependent on the vagina.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to blame myself for not being able to stand alone, instead of seeing that I am moved to the pubic-area since I was a little child, from where it is impossible to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to move to the pubic-area where it is impossible to stand alone.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not want to stop blaming myself for moving to the pubic-area.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to like it in a way in the pubic-area.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid to stop living in the pubic-area as this is the only way I know as living, and if I stop living in the pubic-area I do not know how to live anymore.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not know how to live if I stop living in the pubic-area.

Type of fear:
Fear of death.
I fear being innocent as I believe that I die in being innocent; that I got stifled in being innocent.
Something like this has happened somewhere.
It's an experience where I feel so betrayed in one moment that I paralyzed in surprise without being able to speak a word.
This is as far as I can see at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being innocent.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect being innocent to fear, and thus I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear to got stifled when being innocent.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to connect to got stifled when being innocent, and for this I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not be able to see further than this at the moment.

Corrective statements:
When and as I see myself participating in blaming myself for not standing alone I stop, I breathe. I put my two hands together to bring myself Here in the physical.
I realize that I am not yet able to stand alone because I am still living in/as the mind in the pub(l)ic-area. I am walking a process to stop this living in/as the mind in the pubic-area, and this process is taking time.
I realize that I made a 'choice' to walk the process to become one and equal as life as breathe, and this is the reason that I feel trapped, there is no escape possible and I as the mind does not like this. I can give myself time by walking one point at the time, without seeing in future what still has to be done. This is making the process more gentle for myself.
I do not allow myself to blame myself for living in the pubic-area, as this blaming is keeping me enslaved in the mind so still enslaved to the pubic-area.
I stop, I breathe. I simply walk through the blame and shame breath by breath, self-forgiveness by self-forgiveness. Within this walking breath by breath I breathe myself alive, and so I do not have to know how to live as by walking self-forgiveness I become alive as self-expression as I am Innocent.

Word:
(being) Innocent 
-----------------------------------------------------
Definition:
Innocent - guiltless (onschuldig); harmless (onschadelijk); as innocent as a lamb (onschuldig als een pasgeboren kind); silly/simple (dom)

Origin:
1340, "doing no evil, free from sin or guilt," from O.Fr. innocent (11c.), from L. innocentem (nom. innocens) "not guilty, harmless, blameless," from in- "not" + nocentem (nom. nocens), prp. of nocere "to harm" (see noxious). Meaning "free from guilt of a crime or charge
-----------------------------------------------------------------
(see blog 2/fear -ātus)

I no sent - ik heb geen cent
I no sense - ik heb geen bedoeling, unconditionally; geen manipulatie of bijbedoelingen

I believe that another person can 'take a part' of me by wanting to share with me under conditions. This is what I experienced as a child and that's what partners often do, sharing under conditions. By believing that another person can take part of me I started to hide my innocence by going away in the mind. In the mind I am unable to share myself unconditionally, so I can only do the same, sharing under conditions. Trapped in the mind, in my own nightmare of sharing under conditions. Within this there is always someone 'guilty'; guilty as it is under conditions so not best for all life. I made a pact with the devil, a pact with the mind. And I do not exactly see how and why I did this.

Positive charge and negative charge polarity:
Mainly valued with a positive charge as seeing being innocent as being pure as life.
As seen within this blog I actually do not know what it is to be innocent as life, I only know what its is to live being innocent as 'doing nothing', which I value with a negative cgarge.

New defenition:
To express oneself unconditionally in every moment in every breath as new life, being aware as self in self-responsibility as Life itself.