What's the Agreement? Cleaning the bloodlines

Being angry all the time to the person I live with.
Not able to stop, as I see that I follow the same thought every time again, which starts running as a program by every trigger-point.
Applying self-forgiveness is not enough. So what is going on here?
I believe that I am stuck in this, and for I believe this, I attack myself for being so stupid to got stuck in this. And I was busy with this attack as backchat, applying s.f. on me being stupid etc.
Actually, what is before this? Before this I believe something.

What is the agreement I made here in the house?
I made the agreement that we share the house if financial possible. Within this m is able to make a living here in holland, having a job and a place to live to start with, and I am able to stand up in myself while living together with someone, making myself independant of the other person which is in the end independant of the mind. Stopping reactions inside myself. And during this process making myself financial more stable than before.
The agreement is not to stay together forever. I am clear about this from the beginning. I want to live as equals, and finally I see clearly that I do not want to have a full agreement with someone who is not applying s.f., who doesnot know what the mind is. It's not his fault he doesnot know this, absolutely not, there is no information available in his language so how can he know.
I believed that within this it's somehow my responsability to keep him breathing. And within this believe I got stuck in this situation. Which is not. It is my responsibility to give him the chance to make his own living as far as I am able to, and to support him in this. Within this he can stay on his own feet practically, and this is a starting-point to live. And I can stay on my own feet by stopping my reactions inside myself, which is a starting-point to live. This makes us roommates, taking care of the practicall living in the house together, and within this supporting each other to stand up, each in our own stage of process.
That's it for the moment. No relationships, no sexual arrousing. Standing alone.

So taking this back to self. The angryness is coming up again this morning, not projected on the other person but on myself. For everything I have allowed and accepted in myself. For the whole fuck-up created by Anu in this world. I can be angry, but I am still responsible to stop this abusive life. I can be angry, I let the angryness merge inside myself and within this it disappears; it becomes a strength to stand up in. I do not have to run away for my own angryness anymore, it's not killing me (or others). I can breathe within it. It's a stop, till here no further. No further with this abusive life of allowing myself to be suppressed within a belief. No matter where or with who I live.

The question that is coming up from time till time is, how could I have been able to stand up in this before? When Anu was still in control? We gave him that control, and here I miss something. I do not see how I could have stand up in this earlier. Which means, I do not see how this enslavement started.
Is this question relevant? In the end yes. For the moment, no. I stop this being enslaved and within this it becomes clear how I am able to stand up in this. Which will probably clearify how I could have done this anytime, as every human being. Stopping the guilt, which is coming forward out of polarity.

This belief of being stuck in this is coming forward out of the supression of myself as a female. And this was veiling the real suppression, being supressed by the mind-system. Keeping me busy with relation-ships issues. Enslaved to relationship-issues. Which is influencing the thyroid-gland. Suppressing the speaking up of the female; believing that she has to take care for the child, for the man, for life for everyone except for herself. I am taking the oligo-plant fucus. The oligo-plant is removing the blockage between intra-cellulair and extra-cellulair. It's actually recovering the communication inside the body on a specific area, in this case on the hormonal area. The thyroid-gland has a central function in the hormonal area and in the whole homeostase. First two days I started extremely reacting on everything m was doing; after this we both saw, this is not it, this is not how we want to live. Take it back to self. Me standing up as self, speaking for what is best for all, responsible for life as myself but not responsible for breathing someone alive but myself. I can only breathe myself alive. I am not an oxygen apparatus.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am an oxygen apparatus.

Which is actually the navel-string. Mother to child. Which repeats itself in relationships.

The thyroid works mainly on the mitichondrien. Mitochondrien are the little organs that regulate the energy in the cell; burning from nutrients gives energie. The mitochondrien are 100 % passed by the dna of the mother. (The nucleus are 50% passed by the dna of the father and 50% by the dna of the mother). Within this, there must be a bunch of loaded energy as information inherited within this cells, as this is never cleaned up. On physical level: the free radicals which pollute the body, works on the mitochondrien, so free radicals/pollution as pollution of thoughts, feelings and emotions also works on the mitochondrien).
This is what I experience as the suppressing of woman, the loaded energy inherited by the mother. It is to me to clean the cells from the loading. Which is happening at the moment. The loading is coming up, the information of the cell is given free by recovering the communication between intra- and extra-cellulair. The fucus supports the free-giving of the cells from the loaded information in the mitochondrien, especially located in coherence with the thyriod-gland. (Oligo-plant contains minerals and trace elements which are directing the enzymatic functions which are directing the whole (organ)functions of the organism).

Directing the enzymatic functions within the organism which is supporting direction myself as Life.
It is to me to see the information, to stop the reactions on it, as this is attacking myself on the information that is located within the cells, inherited by - in the this case - the mother, and to apply self-forgiveness on it and stand up in it.
To free the body from the loaded information, so the body can function as oneness as life by free communication between the cells, by free communication intra- and extracellulair, directing the processes that are necessary as life. Same within as without; I free myself from loaded information, so I can function as oneness as life by free communication between me and other life, by free commonunication within and without myself, directing the processes that are necessary as life as breath.

This is what I see as my responsibility. To clean the bloodlines within myself.
And this is what I am working on for years and years, not passing this through by giving birth to children but stopping this information within myself, cleaning the blood-lines. To stand up in myself and give birth to myself as live from the physical.
Within Desteni I finally find the support and information to complete this process, as before there was always something missing: MYSELF!

That's the Agreement: cleaning the bloodlines within myself, which makes me able to stand up as Self as Life as what is best for All Life.

Erg

Het woord erg. Ik heb 'erg' veel woorden gekoppeld aan het woord erg. Door iets erg te vinden, durf ik er niet meer in te zien. Het was simpel-weg 'te erg'. Ogen sluiten, gezicht afkeren naar rechts, bam in de mind.
Een vertaling van 'ik vind het erg' is 'I do mind". I am doing the mind; ik doe de mind.
Dus iets erg vinden is de mind doen. Ik doe een oordeel, ik plaats een oordeel (het erg vinden), en leef vervolgens dit oordeel, is dit oordeel als de mind doen.

Waar heb ik het woord erg aan gekoppeld?

Eng - Ing
Erg is eng, zo eng dat ik er niet durfde in te zien.
Eng zag ik gelijk gekoppeld aan Ing. Dus erg is eng is Ing is zo eng dat ik er niet durfde in te zien, in Ing, dus in mezelf.

Moeder
Gekoppeld aan moeder, aan de situatie met moeder. Zo erg dat ik er niet in durfde te zien (zie vorige blog).
"Het is te erg". Verraad. Dus moeder wordt weg geduwd, en daarmee duw ik mezelf weg, de gelijkenis.
En zie ik niet in hoe ik het patroon voortzet in mezelf als zelf-verraad, en dus mezelf constant bevestig in zelf-verraad is bevestigen in/als de mind.

Er - Hier
Erg gekoppeld aan er, hier. Dus Hier is erg, zo erg dat ik niet durf te zien, niet durf hier te zijn.
Dus niet zien, niet hier zijn, dus waar ben ik, daar, in de mind.

Ergens-nergens
Het is ergens het is nergens, het moet ergens zijn maar waar? 'Het' als 'het zien' als ikzelf? Ik moet ergens zijn maar waar? Ik ben ergens ik ben nergens. Welke meteen brengt naar de volgende:

Weg
Ik ben weg, weg in de mind.

Iedere keer dat ik iets 'erg vind', haal ik dit hele patroon omhoog, met als eindresusultaat dat ik mezelf verraad (weg in de mind) en hiermee een situatie gereflecteerd krijg waarin ik me zelf verraad. Waarmee ik dezelfde ervaring van 'het is te erg' herhaal. En zonder werkelijk in dit patroon te zien wat 'te erg' was, kom ik in de gekoppelde emoties terecht, wat inhoudt dat het zo erg is dat ik schrik, me afkeer, stop met ademen, en uiteindelijk helemaal weg ben in de mind. Ik weiger te leven als Zelf. En dat label ik als 'erg'.
Opnieuw heb ik mezelf verraden door helemaal in de mind te verdwijnen, wat 'te erg' is, dus weer het oordeel met de hele lading eraan vast in 'werking stelt', etc.
Bovendien ging ik, door niet een en gelijk als mezelf te staan door constant te oordelen, ieder zelf-verraad van de ander op mezelf betrekken, als verraad van mezelf door de ander in plaats van te zien dat ik mezelf verraadde in de situatie gereflecteerd in de ander, en hiermee de verantwoordelijkheid voor de ander op me nemen door te proberen de ander te laten inzien wat die gedaan had in plaats van zelf in zelf te zien, waarmee ik hetzelfde patroon bevestig namelijk dat ik afhankelijk ben van de ander dus van de mind (zie ook vorige blog) dus van zelfverraad.

Oei nu zie ik het:
met dit patroon heb ik mezelf afhankelijk gemaakt van zelfverraad.
Dus houd ik het in stand om in leven (als mind) te blijven.

Als ik in het patroon zie, in de patron, de baas als de mind, zie ik hoe het is opgebouwd en kan ik het gaan stoppen; ik kan gelijk gaan staan als de mind en baas in eigen huis worden, zelfbewegend in het fysiek.
Als een vorm van verraad zich opnieuw voordoet, als iemand zichzelf verraadt, zie ik dat iemand zichzelf verraadt. Ik zie hoe enorm weids verbreid dit verraad is in de wereld, dus ja, het komt nog veelvuldig voor.
Ik stop deelname hierin door te stoppen met beschuldigen hiervan, door te stoppen met iets erg te vinden, door te stoppen met mijzelf afhankelijk te houden van de ander van de mind, door te stoppen met mezelf te beschuldigen van zelfverraad en door te stoppen met mezelf redenen, bevestiging te geven voor zelfverraad.
Kortom: door te stoppen met mezelf afhankelijk te houden van de mind van zelfverraad.

Ik start met zelfvergeving van alle zelfoordelen die zijn voortgekomen uit het zelfverraad en van iedere keer dat ik dit zelfverraad heb bevestigd. Ik start met zien in de woorden die ik aan dit zelfverraad heb gekoppeld, van kinds af aan aangezien dit patroon zich vanaf de geboorte heeft gemanifesteerd, en terug, in het DNA is gevestigd.

Ik stop met het bevestigen van het DNA door te stoppen met zelfbeschuldiging en toe te passen het vergeven van mijzelf als mind.

Stop de bevestiging van het DNA:
http://www.desteni.net/
http://www.desteniiprocess.com/