breath, rush, pain

Waking up and immediately standing up after 6 hours sleep.
Sitting down on the ground, going into breathing.
After 5 or 10 minutes, I noticed a change. I did become the breathing for a while. Before I was doing the breathing, observating myself breathing. (And after this moment also).
Self-intimicy. For one moment I was self-intimate.
Being the breathing I have myself in my own hands, when I do the breathing I put myself away.
Here I can 'Be'. Not in the sleep, but in the Breath.

Going on with the 'morning rituals', feeding the animals etc. After a while the pain in the intestine is coming up. Two 'forces' are striking, life and mind. The mind controls life with cramping.
This happens every morning. When I wake up I feel okay, after some time I start struggling with the intestines and the stool. This is for a long time now so this also became a patron by itself, becoming scared that this struggling is coming up.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become scared for the struggling with the stool in the morning.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be controled by the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to put away this control of the mind in the intestine, instead of standing up as myself and breath through.

When the stool is not going easily, the pain and discomfort inside is pulling me down all day. I have pain inside, I got emotional, cranky; I cannot stand on my feet because my belly is in the way; I want to lay down and most of all, I want to sleep. The tiredness is coming up very strong. I cannot move myself.
But the mind is what is cramping the intestine, and if I go to sleep the mind is reloading so the pressure will become stronger. That's not an option anymore (and never really was).
I don't like to write about this.
When the pain and struggling is coming up, I always feel the same thing: self-hate.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself for hating myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I hate myself because I cannot go to the toilet easily, instead of seeing that the feeling of hate has a different source.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that this pain and cramping and difficulty with the stool is never going away, because I am trying to solve this problem for such a long time now.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about writing about this subject.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to make the cramping in the intestine worse and worse by worrying about how I can solve this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to solve this, instead of seeing that I have to forgive myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to not see the startingpoint of this cramping.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I need a startingpoint to release the body from the pain, instead of seeing that every day, every minute, every breath can be the starting point to apply forgiveness and to start moving myself. I am the starting point.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel emotional and crancky because of the pain in the intestine, instead of seeing that with doing this I create a new layer.

When I am breathing, the question 'why' is coming up.
Feeling of dishonesty, verongelijkt.
Ik ben boos dat ie het niet doet; I am angry that it's not working.
Ik ben boos dat ik niet meedoe, I am angry that I don't join.
Er zit geen leven in mijn darmen, daarom voeg ik dit steeds toe.
There is no life in my intestine, that's why I supply it every time.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that other people were more alive than I because they had a connection to the white light, instead of seeing that we are all equal and one and nobody was really alive; the white light was just an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to use this as an excuse to feel unequaled, instead of standing up in myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that 'I cannot come through this', instead of breathing through it, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that there is no life in my intestine, instead of seeing and realizing that I am one and equal as Life, but that this life is suppressed by the mind.

Ik ben constant aan het reageren op mijn eigen pijn dus mijn eigen mind van binnen.
Dit moet stoppen.
I am constantly reacting on my own pain inside so on my own mind
This must stop.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel really disequaled (aggrieved) by the fact that I have so much pain for such a long time and other people seem not to have this.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that the unequality which is going on in the world, is real, instead of seeing that we al created this with the mind. We are equal and one as Self as Life.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel good when I have no pain and to feel not good if I have pain; with this I make myself dependent of the pain so of the mind and I create another polarity.

When I see into the fat pressed words, I see what words I use:
I am constantly reacting
That's something. I write so I think that I am this, I am the constant reactions on my own pain, on my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I am the constant reactions on my own pain inside so on the mind, instead of seeing that it's the mind which creates this reactions, which in fact are illusions as reactions on illusions.

I stopped the reactions this afternoon when I saw what I was doing, and it become quiet inside; the intens pressure on the intestine decreased very fast.
The pain and cramp is still inside, because I cannot yet see the specific patrons which are hidden inside, only roughly.
But I have to stop the reactions on this pain. I have to stop to create more layers. I have to stop to suppress myself.
This I can start with, this I can see.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel so stupid that I cannot see what specific patrons are hidden inside my intestine.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe that I immediately have to see what patrons are hidden inside, instead of applying self-forgiveness on what is here in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become angry at myself everytime I feel this pain, creating another suppression with this.

missing myself

I slept long today. Or actually I slept 6 hours and after this I lay in bed for more than 2 hours, asleep, awake, asleep, awake. After 6 hours i woke up out of a dream, and I did not want to let go of this dream. So I tried to 'go back'  into this dream.
This is what I did very often in the past. Trying to go back in the dream because I liked it there more than in daily life.
I stand up, and the mind was not giving signals of being tired. No ofcourse not, it was almost completely reloaded! I did not attack myself for this sleeping too long today, I start to apply self-forgiveness.
But it didnot feel comfortable. I know I have to deal with some rush in the head the whole day.
I was sitting on the toilet, and suddenly I saw what was going on:

I missed myself.

Sleeping 6 hours gives me, till now, some hours struggling with the signals of the mind of being tired every morning, and a lot of other struggles, coming out of the resistance of the mind.
But today I saw the difference. I am struggling with this signals and resistance, but I am with myself.
Today I missed myself. I know I am inside, but I cannot 'reach' myself.
(I speak about being with myself, which makes visible that I am not yet equal and one as myself).


In facebook this morning there was this picture which is so strikable:



Rattling the Cages of the Caged Photo by Marlen Background painting by Scott Cook


This is how I experienced it. The mind is suppressing the self, which makes it impossible to reach the self, so impossible to be equal and one as self, when the mind is reloaded every day.

It's terrible. It makes so clear why it always seemed 'out of reach' to become equal and one with myself, or even notice myself, when I was sleeping 8-9 hours every night.

For the first time a corner of the veil lifts of what it is to be self-intimate.


I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to let myself down everytime time by going back into the dream.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that the dream has something to tell me, instead of seeing that the dreaming after 6 hours sleep is a reload of the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to judge myself for trying to go back into the dream, instead of seeing that I did not have the tools to direct myself through the day, so going back into the dream was the only place to find some apparent relieve of the suppressing of the mind.

(ap-parent?? applying parent??)

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to miss myself for such a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to fill this 'hole' of missing myself with the searching for love, for intimicy with another person, instead of being able to become intimate with myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to suppress myself completey by sleeping 8-9 hours every night.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to know for such a long time that I was searching for myself, without being able to apply myself to become one and equal as myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to describe this suppressing of the mind as terrible, which makes it only more terrible, instead of just seeing how it is and forgive the mind for what it is.

to dread having to do it

Tomorrow they start to renovate and paint the house outside.
I dreaded to this. For 2-3 days this was like a little black clowd in the backhead.
Suddenly this morning I just accepted this new situation for what it is, and this dreading went away immediately. I stand up in it. It has to be done, so I do it. That's it.
Not making excuses in the mind, not thinking how it would be if things were different, not making worries about what could happen. Nothing.

To become equal and one as the situation. Not make the situation more or less than myself by creating all kind of polarity, because than I cannot stand up in the situation. The situation is pulling me down than because it seems 'bigger' than me.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to first hold myself back from every new situation.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to first create resistance to every new situation, instead of being equal and one as every new situation so I can stand up in it.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to experience fear for every new situation, instead of breathing through the fear, seeing that this is an illusion of the mind because the mind wants to keep everything as it is, fearing for lost (of itself as the mind).
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepeted myself to create judgements on almost everything that has to be done, not seeing that with this I make the situation bigger than myself.

Cleaning and preparing everything outside for the workers tomorrow, not once the resistance was coming up again, which is cool. Instead of being busy with this happening from tomorrow all day I could live today as today. Also the preparing was going very easily.

'I know'

To know as the mind means nothing.
To know is a knowledge where the mind is hiding behind. Than nothing needs to be practised because we already know it.
'I know, don't talk to me about that, I already know it".
Yes but why I don't see anything change than? Why I see the same patron time after time when I/you know everything? Why I don't see the Living Example of it?
Because to know is from the mind.
And to be a living example is as Self.

What happened? By knowing so much, I created not knowing. Not knowing how to Live al this 'knowing' practically.

'Why write about things that are an open door?' I as ego was asking.
It's about that door, said Sylvie.
We have to step into that door.
Before the door we know.
When we walk through the door, we can become The Living Word, we become Alive.

Isn't this something Jesus said? "The door is always open, but you have to step into it by yourself, as yourself"
(something like this, these are not the specific words).

Writing is a way to walk through the door, word by word.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't have to do anything because I already know 'how it works'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't have to listen because I already know 'how it works'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that to know is enough, instead of seeing that to know is from the mind and doesnot really mean something.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I don't know how to become the living word, instead of seeing that this is the polarity of 'I know', which I created myself by knowing so much as the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have to know how to become the living word, instead of walking the process and become alive step by step, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I first have to know how I can become the living word, before I 'may start' walking the process.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel ashamed about not exactly knowing what to do, instead of seeing that this knowing is a controlmechanism of the mind, keeping me away from being in the moment.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must know how to live, instead of being every breath in every moment, seeing in the moment what to speak, what to do.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel scared to talk about the process to other people, because I don't exactly know what to say about it, instead of seeing that I don't have to talk about it; I can be the living example of every step in the process in every moment.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I may not speak the living words before I already can live them, instead of seeing that if I cannot speak the living words, I cannot live them.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must know how to Live, instead of seeing that I can become alive through stopping the knowing of the mind by applying self-forgiveness.

When knowing as the mind ends, Life can start.

to be here

A constantly experience of panic; I am running around in my head to be everywhere but here.
I have made a connection between 'to be here' and a 'terrible feeling'.
But, if we have never been completely here, than how can I know that to be here gives a terrible feeling?
I cannnot.
So it must be something else that I have made an aversion to, that I connected with the feeling as terrible.
And because the mind turns everything around, the 'terrible feeling' must be in connection with being in the mind! And the mind is turning this into an excuse for not being here, by simulating that 'it is terrible to be here'.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that it's terrible to be here, instead of seeing that this feeling is a simulation of the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that to be here gives a terrible feeling, instead of seeing that to be in the mind gives a terrible feeling.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I have an aversion to 'to be here'.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to connect being in the mind with a terrible feeling, and with this creating another illusion on the illusion of being in the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that the experience of panic is real, instead of seeing that the mind is keeping me away from being here with creating an experience of panic.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to make a connection between the experience of panic and being here, instead of seeing that I have never really been here, so this cannot cause the panic.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that being in the mind will cause an experience of panic, instead of seeing that being in the mind is an illusion, and I am able to stop this as myself.

Expression-2

I have to investigate this more, but as far as I can see in this moment, self-expression is related to the thyroid gland. Self-expression influences the thyroid gland directly; and suppressing the self-expression is suppression the function of the thyroid gland (t.g.), with different consequences in the body. It dysbalans the whole metabolism in the body.


In the store (healthstore, vitamins minerals etc), there are many person, especially women, who have a dysbalans in the function of the t.g. The dysbalans of the t.g. gives divergent complaints in the body.
Too fast or too slow, ups and downs, created by polarity which gives energy, 'high' and 'low' (feeling energetic, feeling exhausted)
It's possible to support the divergent complaints, but it's not a solution for the long term.
This will keep turning around in the circle of life, untill we get dizzy and see nomore
:-).
It's also possible to support the t.g. itself with some minerals, aminoacids and plants, but that's also not the whole solution.
It can support the start of self-expression, but than this has to be applied practically.
(And the funny part is that there are very little plants that directly support the t.g., and they are not really effective).

In the study of natural and herbal medicine they say the t.g. is related to the creativity of a person.
And that there are woman who only "feel good" when they are in love with someone, than they are "feeling alive". I have been a woman who only feels alive when 'falling in love', and I knew this was not the solution, but I could not find a way to express as self. I found different ways to express as the mind, but that didnot make 'sense' to me as Self. It was only 'working' for a short time, rowling around in the circle of life and bringing me back at the same point.


What is this, this "streaming of creativity" when falling in love? It must be a substitution of the self-expression, of Life, called 'energy'. Not standing alone but standing together, creating energy. The hormonsystem-sexsystem is activated! Feeling alive in seperation but not Being Alive as All as One.

Because of the seperation inside oneself, we try to make this whole again with another person. When two polarities come together they neutralize each other for a while, and this feels as one. But it also shows after sometime, that this is a substitue, that still every person has to stand alone. This is an opportunity to see and stop the polarity in ourself, because the other person reflects us where we are seperated from ourselves.

Creativity I redefine as expression, and put self in front of it. Self-expression.
Self-expression is as the self, creativaty is as the mind.
Applying self-forgiveness will help to make this 'change' (this is not the word but I cannot find the living word for this), from I as mind to I as self.

And than we see that the t.g. is streaming when the self-expression as equal as one is streaming, like Living Water. And when the t.g. is streaming, without the ups and downs of created energy, the whole metabolism is streaming, and the body becomes alive, equal and one as self.
What will happen with the hormonsystem when we become equal and one as self?
There is so much to investigate and redefine.

Expression-1

Reading the article of Osho: Isolation.

I am sleeping 6 hours now and the point of expression is coming op. The pain of the suppression of expression. The feeling of being paralised, paralised by the mind, manifested in particular parts in the body.

In morning I as the mind am so tired that it gives feelings of hurt in the body. Complaints in the body are coming to the surface, the mind is going into resistance. I feel ashamed of  "feeling weak" because the cramping of the large intestine is getting worse. I cannot really breathe and I cannot really poop.

I am working and have studied in the world of natural medicine, I live healthy, I reflect inside myself 'for a long time', I started to walk the process within Desteni, and I am absolutely not 'glowing'!
Glowing is the 'glowing of energy', so that will stop; but I don't have the words and the courage to express this at this moment. So I hide myself.
I am still not sure that I can solve this within myself. I am sure and I am not sure. Polarity which keeps me busy.

I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must be 'healthy and glowing' because I work with natural medicine for a long time.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to create an ego by investigating various areas of the natural medicine.

I cannot go 'back' to sleep, as the mind will reload and suppress the points again, suppress me as self again. So, I have to walk through, breathe through, and see into this.
Everything inside me is in panic, as the cramping is showing.

What is coming up every morning?

"I don't know what to do with this day. I don't have 'sense' ".
When I look this up into the dictionary there are translations of sense like: 'meaning' (which belongs to the mind), 'soulability' (which belongs to the soul; ability! means no sense as I am not able as a soul).
"I don't have sense", which actually is "it makes no sense".
It didnot make sense because it was all coming from the mind. So it was an illusion. And illusions are not constant, so they don't make sense at all.
In the video's of Desteni this is often used: "make sense".
Do I as Self have to become the Sense of Life? As the Living Word?

Next word: I don't know how. I don't know how to walk through this pain in the body. How is also a word that is misleading, it's a word of the mind. The mind first needs to see how and than it will do it. And if I (as the mind) don't see how, I can never do something. So I am stuck, stuck by the allowing of the mind to do this inside myself.

It's not about the how, it's about the expression. The expression of self in any moment, which is suppressed by the mind, out of fear. The mind suppresses out of fear for feelings of failure, of spite, of disappointment. Fear for 'not knowing how' and for the judgements that may follow on this question. Fear for giving up on the self again following the self-judgements. So I safeguard against this in advance, by asking the question "how". And if there is no answer, I don't know how, than I don't have to do it, I don't have to start. Voila!

But ofcourse this is not working. My whole body get stuck by this suppression and excuses of the mind.

So the solution is to express as self. What is that, to express as self? It's applying self-forgiveness. This is the living example of self-expression, which takes away the selfjudgement, so it takes away the suppression of the selfjudgement of the mind. so it takes away the giving up on self, and for this it takes away the isolation.
No need to hide anymore.
There are tools available now, so the question 'how' is not working anymore.

What I do need is practical assistence. And here it becomes fuzzy. I apply self-forgiveness, but I cannot find the specific points and thoughts to apply this on. That's what makes it fuzzy at the moment. The points seem to be clot together.         

An example of a direct working apply of self-forgiveness: a thought of masturbation was coming up. It was not very urgent, but after thinking about this possability, it was not going away. Actually it was a future-projection. I went on writing but it still was there. Then I applied one self-forgiveness and it went away and stayed away.

Here I could apply self-forgiveness specific and it worked immediately.
With the old structures of the mind manifested in the body, I cannot find the specific words.

So I have to start with what I write in this moment.

I forgive myself that I cannot find the specific words to forgive the structures of the mind which I have manifested in the body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to build up mind-structures in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this mind-structures are real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become fuzzy from the clotting of all the thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions are mine.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to think that I had to 'carry' all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me, because they didnot see what they were doing.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself  that I didnot see what I was doing by carying all the thoughts, feelings and emotions of everyone around me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that all the thoughts, feelings and emotions had something to do with me.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become 'so tired' of the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I had to sleep at least 9 hours to 'reload' myself as the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to feel too tired to write out these self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that this feeling of being tired is real.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot even stand on my two feet because of the pain in my body.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to become angry to M in almost every conversation we have.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I cannot stop these reactions of angryness.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that I must correct his words instead of stopping the reaction in myself.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe, that if I donot correct his words and become angry, I disappear, instead of seeing that if I correct him and do not stop the reaction in myself, I as self disappear into the mind.
I forgive myself that I allowed and accepted myself to believe that if I allow M to speak words as the mind, that I disappear and for that I must correct him, instead of seeing that I must stop allowing myself to believe that the words of the other person are harming me and applying self-forgiveness to my own reactions on his words.