to be deceived

Some point that is coming up over and over, day after day:
In the point that we were/are blind in, we feel, actually almost know for sure, that we are deceived by something outside us.
And in this blindless, we start to blame the one thing or person that we feel we are deceived by.

I do this myself daily.
The one thing that I am really going into blindless is the love in relationship.
I keep on blaming m each time he speaks words and next time he is not doing this, so I blame him that he is not standing one and equal as his words.
And I become angry.

But what am I angry about?
That I allowed myself to be deceived again, with the same words, the same promise, and this time I really 'believed' that things will be different now.
I allow myself to be deceived.
Why?
Because I don't want to do it all alone as myself; somewhere I am easy, or whatever, with being enslaved.
I cannot see this clearly but it must be this.
I am not standing one and equal as my own words.

And this is the deceive of the White Light.
Everyone has been deceived.
Everyone. Even Jesus.
Also E.T. and other lightworkers. Also the great world-leaders.
And everyone has to forgive him/herself for this.
In this we can see how enormous the deceive of the White Light is.
It's brilliant, blinding like a brilliant.
We all are deceived, and for this, or actually for not wanting to see into this, we allow ourselves to be deceived again; over and over again. By everything that is created by the White Light.
We have to see the equality in this to stand up in it and change ourselves as the world.
I have to see the equality in m to stand up in the situation and change myself as the world; to become equal and one as each reaction inside me that I have seperated myself from.

In my own situation I notice that each time I become angry at m about this, he is seeing (so I am seeing) a little peace, but nothing is changing. Somehow it's totally not 'working' at all.
When I become angry at him, react on him, I am not a living example.
I am not one and equal as myself as himself as the situation when I am angry, I make myself dependent on the mind, so I stay enslaved and for that I cannot stand up in it and change myself.
When I become angry I am still asking him to change, instead of changing myself.

How can I become a living example?
For this, I have to see into each time that I (allowed myself to) be deceived. Into the fear and pain that is connected with this.
In theory this is easy, in practical life it's another story, because in the point that we are blind in or have been, it suddenly seems to be justified to be angry at the other one.
And what am I doing as long as I donot see into the specific points where I allowed myself to be deceived? Than I have to stop my reactions, otherwise I cannot see a thing; blinded as I am by the energy of the mind, still connected to the illusion of the White Light.

I experience this every day inside myself, and every day I want to do it differently.
Or maybe that's the point, the question (thanks Mike :-) ):
Do I really want to change it as Self? Am I one and equal as Self as my Self-will?
Because if I really want it as Self, I will just do it.
So something inside me doesnot want it completely. My ego wants it differently.
And for this I react, I create energy, so my ego keeps the power and I cannot see where I have to change. And if I don't see it, I am not able to change. And everything remain the same.
I have to see inside myself why is that so; why I am so scared to change.
I have to see inside myself where I allowed myself to be deceived; where I have given away my Self-will.
Or should I say, I will see inside myself where I have given away my Self-will?
Not have to or must, but will? As Syl was speaking about yesterday.

My Self-will to Live.