The Resolve

The resolve, resolution.
One resolution which seperate from myself once made, and after this I used this as a justification for every action in seperation, for every action to stay in this seperation.
There are so many justifications. The whole world is build on justifications.

I cannot see the exact point where I made this resolution, this resolve. It's hiding inside, veiled (by the white light) and ensnared and twisted (by the mind).
Yesterday I felt my intestine was letting go of the cramping, because I see that the making of a resolve is what will stiffle, what will fix everything.
Next morning I woke up in silence, maybe for the first time. I could be in breathing for a little while.
After 2 hours or something, I go to the toilet. And my intestine is completely cramped.
I don't know where this started and why this started now.
I feel betrayed, everytime again I feel betrayed by my own intestines.
Which ofcourse is not real, I feel betrayed by my own mind, by the mind.

How can a child, a little child, stop this betrayal?
We are responsable for ourselves. But as little child, how?
This I donot see, and for not seeing this, for not knowing what the hell to do with this, I pulled back.
And I am still doing this. Feeling so unsafe.
Which is not real. This I can stop. Because it is a feeling.
But if I don't see the specific moment where I made this resolve, than I can not feel save.
Because this will remain as the 'Achilles tendon'.
The unseen point where the mind can still attack me when I donot 'pay attention'.

That's something, to pay attention. So what am I doing all the time? Paying attention, I pay with attention. That's why I am so tired. For what or to who am I paying attention? Who do I pay?
We are paying with attention to each other. If you don't have money, you can pay with attention.
There it is again, paying with the illusion of attention, of conditional love.
Stuck in and as the mind, in and as attention. Atention, a tension.

Today a colleague was bringing up a dilemma with his little daughter within the same circumstances as I have experienced as a little child. He was having doubts about what to do, because his family didnot see there was something going on that was a form of abuse. I saw the point directly, it supported me to see more into this within myself and it supported him to immediately stop this situation. Only stop. Not understanding why other people were doing this or not seeing this, only stop the abuse of/as the mind.

Which is so cool, that he is gonna stop this. For himself, for the little girl, for everyone around him.

So what to do now?
I just need to stop the mind. To not allow the mind, from ourselves or from others, to abuse. Abuse of the physical, of life.
I don't need to understand why someone else is doing things or is not seeing things.
He/she has a different program which I cannot see into. Trying to see into another program will keep me busy with the mind for the rest of my life.
I also cannot turn back the clock and make things undone.
I can only stop and forgive the mind.

Is this real? Am I unsafe for the/my own mind if I donot see the Achilles tendon?
Yes and no.
Yes because the mind can attack me with something that I cannot see into, on every unexpected moment.
No because the mind is not real. How can something that is not real attack me?
Because I believe that it's real.
Ah that's still stored in the physic. In the cells of the physic.
So the believing in the mind is stored in the cells of the physic. And because of this, the physic is attacking me. I give the power to the mind which is reflecting in the physic.
It feels like there is a life, or actually 'no life' but a war inside me that I have no influence at.
Cramping-uncramping - polarity - mind.
When this happens too much too often the mind got fixed into the cramp, into the tension, into attention.
I have to deprogram the cells. So the cells become Alive. And I and the cells can be equal and one.
We are not eaqual and one at the moment. We are 'working against' each other. WAR.
I have become a victim of my own cells.
That's what I am so sad about. That's what I am exhausted by. By the WAR inside.

And this is reflecting in my outside world. Not being equal and one but isolated from each other.
Playing hide and seek. Running away as a victim.
Hiding for my own cells. Which is not possible, because it are my own cells. Directed by/as the mind.
Only one thing can stop this:
Me, standing up as mySelf.
To stop the mind. To start directing myself as Self as Life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to become a victim of my own cells.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to become a victum of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to be so tired, exhausted of being attacked by my own cells.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to blame my cells for attacking me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to

The self-forgivenesses are not really 'working'.
I am not moving myself, I feel myself laying back inside, hiding, doing nothing.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to lay back inside, to hide inside, to do nothing.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to feel too much a victum which had stopped the believing in something like self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepeted myself to not really see how applying self-forgiveness can 'resolve' this.
??????

Resolve means a decission but also a solution and also to disappear.
Een besluit betekent een beslissing maar ook een oplossing en ook verdwijnen.
For resolution the same.
How is this possible?
Does it mean that a resolve makes you solute, disappear (in the mind)?
YES. That is experienced last sunday when I took the resolve to go to sleep 1,5 hour in the afternoon.
I completely disappeared by doing this as a resolve.

Resolve as a 'pact with the devil'?

The resolve is splitting within three.
Father, Sun, Holey Spirit.
Consiousness, Unconsiousness, subconsiousness.
(God, Leven, Mind?)

The decision makes one and equal with/as the mind. It's a decision to live one and equal as the mind. A decision to be a slave. That's why 'making decisions is not 'working'. It's alway as the mind, not as Self.
The self doesnot make decisions.
I never saw an animal making a decision, a resolve.
An animal is Living Here, in the moment.
Also a child is Living Here in every moment. Untill one day the child makes a resolve.

I made this resolve inside myself one day.
If I was old enough to make a resolve, than I was old enough to be responsable for myself, for doing this.
I am the only person who can forgive this.

This resolve gives the blockade, the blockade to the Self.
Not the curse gives this blockade to the Self; the curse gives the blockade to the white light, not to myself.
The resolve makes dependent on the white light, 'One as the White Light' through the mind.
Because we blockaded ourselves to ourselves.
Within a curse, there are two blockades, to 'God' and to Self.
Complete dependent on the mind, isolated in/as the mind.

The curse was called over by someone who was connected to 'God'.
So the curse could only be lifted by 'God', or by someone who is 'connected to God'.
I took the resolve, I blockaded myself to mySelf.
So I can 'lift' this.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to attack myself as the mind instead of to forgive myself as the mind.

So far for now.
(Also a start with seeing into the mechanism of auto-immunediseases)